How do I do this?

The wedding is two weeks away...

...and I am a wreck.

Today is my last day at work and honestly I don't know if I can do this.

Today as I was hugging a coworker goodbye, I started crying...and she told me to stop cause she would see me at my wedding, that it wasn't goodbye yet.

But what happens when it is goodbye for good?

How do I move on from there?

To be honest, I am terrified. Terrified that I will be forgotten because people have busy lives and if you aren't apart of them everyday, you can get left on the side of the highway.

People move on. The holes that you leave behind have to be filled. No one can keep a place for you forever.

And I am not moving back to Colorado.

I am going to be that person who moved away and made new friends, and then moved again and did it all over again...and again...and again....

This is the life I signed up for..

But it doesn't make goodbye any easier.

I am sitting at my desk crying my eyes out.

I have never worked anywhere else but this campus. I love it hear. I love the people, I love the atmosphere.

Yes, I am so ready to be done working here, but I am also excited to start somewhere new.

I try to be positive and look at the bright side...but today there is no sunshine. There is only goodbyes.

And I hate goodbyes.

I hate the finality of saying goodbye. I hate the word. I am not good with my words when it comes to my final things to say to someone.

I am a wreck.

And I still have two weeks.

What if people forget me? What if we don't keep in touch? What if I lose everyone that I am close to?

Long distance relationships are hard and I don't know if people are going to have the time to keep up with the work they create.

And honestly, it scares every inch of my being.

Anyone who says that I shouldn't be doing this because I am scared and cry all the time though needs to shove it up their butt. Cause I can't handle that kind of stupidity right now.

You see, once upon a time, there was this scared girl who decided that following God was better than letting fear get to her so she stepped out and did something that scared her. Guess what? It ended up being the best thing that she did in her entire life!! That was a few years ago when I went to Haiti. Conquering my fear was the best thing that I ever did.

So I will do it again.

Watch me fly.

Love, Almost A Bride

Looking back...

Found this and I felt like sharing it...

I am more.

I am more than what I know.

I am more than what I wear.

I am more than a picture.

I am more than my hair.

I am not a sexy body

Or a perfect, beautiful smile.

There is more underneath

If only you would walk a mile.

I am scarred.

I am broken.

But that doesn’t mean

I won’t be outspoken.

I am strong and beautiful.

You are not going to break me.

I am more than the pressure

That is put on me.

I am more than the outside.

I am deep and growing deeper.

You don’t see beneath my shell.

You are content to be a sleeper.

You want in my bed.

You are a sleeper.

Treatin’ me like a toy,

Could you price me any cheaper?

I am not a doll.

You can’t throw me around.

I am more than the others.

I must astound.

I am more than your hun and babe

Those words hold meaning.

Your ways of fooling around

Are more than demeaning.

Don’t think I am flattered

By your eyes looking me up and down

I am more than sex

Can’t you see my crown?

I am more than you think.

I am more than short skirts

And booty shorts.

I don’t appreciate the perverts.

I respect myself,

I refuse to flaunt.

Cause you see, your dreams

I refuse to haunt.

I am more than you think.

You won’t notice me.

I will hide until I am found.

I won’t be one in another three.

I am more than you think.

I am more than you see.

I am far above the fleas.

Please value me.

 Love, Almost A Bride

Monster on the other side...

Wedding is about two weeks away...

And I have lost my sanity...

I seriously haven't been able to even write. I start a post and then it doesn't make any sense at all and I can't stand it. Or I feel like I am just complaining and whining....

And honestly, I may be stressed, but I have no reason to complain!!

But today I was sending an email to my future husband (I love saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I said something to him that completely struck a blog post nerve. So here it goes, hopefully I can make this make sense.

Lately I have been feeling like a lot of my life has come to a close. Every time I do something, I am reminded that it might be the last time that I do that something with that person again for a really long while. I am going to be losing everything that I hold dear very soon and that scares me. It is scary to countdown all the days that you have until you leave a place that you have called home for your entire life.

Last weekend I read a post about what to do when your best friend is moving away... And it said something in there that I didn't like. It said talk about it. Talk about the fact that everything is changing. Talk about the fact that you don't have much time left. Confront it and talk it through.

UGH!! I would much rather pretend that it isn't happening. I would much rather pretend that I am not leaving everything behind, that I won't be around for everything. I hate thinking about the fact that I am not going to see my sister play a basketball game, or the fact that I won't get to see my brother's first girlfriend. I won't be around when Dee picks out a college. I am leaving them behind for a brand new life.

And yeah sure there is Skype and phone calls and texting...But that isn't a hug when they are crying. That isn't a way to pester them for information on their love life like every older sister has a right to do. There is no way to be their protective older sister, when I am an ocean away...

And that bothers me. A lot.

Everything is coming to a close. I am leaving my job, leaving my church, leaving my friends, leaving everything. I am closing doors left and right. I am packing things into suitcases and preparing to completely close the door to my life in Colorado.

You know what the most scary part of that is? Opening the next door. Stepping into a new life, a new place, a new house.

I don't know what is behind that door. I don't know if I will open the door to find a huge scary monster that is going to eat me alive. I don't know if I will open that door to find out that I am in the sky with no way down. I don't know if I will open that door to a big black hole.

And when I open that door, there is no closing it and going back to the other one. At that point I will have to face whatever is on the other side. Whether it eats me or not.

I may have to skydive out of a door to reach the earth again. (I said that is one thing that I will never ever in my life do...) I may have to fight off a monster. I may have to fall down a big black until I reach Wonderland.

But you know what came to my mind today? I am not the one opening the door.

I am not the one who is going to push the door open.

God is the one opening the doors. He is going to pick which door is right to open.

And....

He already knows what is behind that door.

I may not know what the next door hides behind it, but God does. God is opening it, I just have to walk through it. And I know that whatever is on the other side of the door, is what He wants me to deal with.

Who knows, He might surprise me with a beautiful land filled of tropical flowers and oceans and tans. ;)

Love, A No Longer Terrified Almost Bride

Choosing to say, "Screw you..."

Hello lovely world!

Today is Monday.

Crap.

I hate Mondays.

But I have 9 days left at my job and only one more Monday after today. I can do this right?

Lately I have been really stressed out.

I put in my two weeks notice at work the day that I got the estimate for the repairs on my car....which is going to cost $2900. Yikes.

Then the whole needing to get every single person and their dog details...
And about a million and ten details that go into planning a wedding that have me totally and completely brain dead and annoyed at everyone.

In less than a month I will be tying the knot, getting hitched, and marrying the man of my dreams.
And I am SO tired of hearing that I am the wrong woman for him.
I am so ridiculously tired of it.

I HATE DRAMA!
I hate fake people.
I hate games.
I hate that people think they can say things about me behind my back and that I will just accept their "love" to my face.
I hate that people think that they have any right to say anything about my relationship.
I hate people judging me even though they don't even know me.
I hate people acting like middle schoolers.
I hate manipulation.
I hate when people think that I won't make it turn around and bite them in the butt.

Karma is a nasty woman.
And she is my best friend.
And sometimes I think that Karma is my middle name.

I also hate that my joy gets stolen because of people's stupidity.
I hate that I allow them the place in my life to affect me.
I hate that I spend even a second breath of mine talking about them.
They aren't worth it.

So I am making a choice.

I am choosing that my wedding day is Cody and I's day.
No one else's.
No one else has a say on what goes on.
No one has a say in our marriage.
No one has a say in anything.

I choose to say, "Screw you. You aren't even worth my time."

And honestly, those that are running their mouths for God and everyone to hear, don't know Cody and I at all. If you claim to know us or love us and yet you are tearing us apart and trying to bring us down, you don't really know us at all. Those who are truly in our lives are thrilled and happy for us. They see our love that has withstood a million different obstacles and has come out stronger. They have watched us rise from the ashes and build a beautiful life for ourselves.

So to all the haters, I say, keep on hating. I will just give you more and more reason to hate me.

Nicole once said to me, "Something is not right if it doesn't come into opposition."

My joy is here to stay. Our love is here to stay.

There is no separating what God has brought together.
And the more battles that we fight together gives us more glue that holds us together.
We are learning to do this life together. To stand up against all odds and prove the world wrong. We are learning to bring everything to each other.

So please know that if you say something to Cody, I will know about it. If you say something to me, Cody will know about it.
We are learning to stand together, hand in hand. And the more that is thrown at us just strengthens that grip.

So if you want to break us apart, I suggest that you just stop trying. You are only bringing us together.

Again I say, "Screw you. I will be happy on my wedding day and every day after!"

Love, Almost A Bride Who Is Sick Of Drama

Since I was 16....

Day something:

Today I am slightly terrified. 

I put in my two weeks notice at work.

Since the summer I turned 16, I have been working. This will be the first time in four years that I don't have a job.

No job. No plan. Just faith.

Faith enough to move across the ocean.

Faith enough to leave everything behind.

And faith is scary. It is like taking a leap off a building and praying that Superman comes in and catches you before you hit the ground.

Faith is trusting God even if you don't have money.

Thinking about the fact that I won't have a job, but will still have car payments, insurance payments, etc.....makes my stomach feel like it is going to lose what little I was able to eat for lunch.

I am scared. Absolutely, positively scared out of my mind.

There is a lot to deal with.

But I have to make a choice.

Will I let fear hold me back from making the best decision of my life, or will I jump knowing that God has provided in the past and will provide in the future? Will I stand in the water and walk towards Jesus, or will I look at the waves and fear for my life?

I'll let you know when I finally learn to trust God.

Might be my last sentence on this earth though...

Love, Almost A Bride

Brain mush...

My brain is officially fried.

Literally you could make scrambled eggs from the mush that it is supposed to think for me.

But they would probably taste like broken bits of thoughts and forgotten tasks.

Yeah so if I talk to you about doing something, please remind me. I always forget things. Always.

Some people talk about pregnancy brain... Well I am calling mine "wedding brain."

Yeah yippee, I can't think straight enough to keep a thought going for longer than a few minutes.

I wish that someone could take my brain and make a list of everything that is inside of it for me.

I tried...it was really long and I don't feel like I covered everything.

I really really really wish this headache would go away. I hope that I can get some really good rest tonight and maybe wake up feeling refreshed without anything on my brain...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................

I crack myself up sometimes!

Seriously I should be a comedian ;)

I have so much in my brain right now I could power a atomic bomb. Or so it feels like.

I have less than a month before I am married...

Less than a month to plan and get everything together that needs to happen.

Less than a month to finish packing all my crap and move.

Less than a month...

I am gonna vomit.

Seriously, you better watch out.

Stressed? Yup. Do I remember half the time that I am stressed? Nope.

But even in the stress and the overwhelming amount of information in my brain...

I am extremely blessed.

I have great bridemaids and wonderful friends who love and support me. I have a wonderful set of parents who love me and have such a vital part of this entire thing.

And most importantly, I have a man who so deeply loves me and cares for me. I have a man who treasures my heart and soul. A man who would protect me from anything and everything. I know that I miss him and honestly doing all this without him is difficult and annoying. I don't like being alone with only email to talk to him with. But even in his emails, he is the sweet man I know. I am blessed to have him in my life!

So thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Who has put up with my wedding brain, who has loved me despite everything.

Thank you all for your love and support!

XOXO,

Almost A Bride

Truly blessed...

Day 6:

Today I am much better than I was yesterday. I slept like a dead woman last night and literally couldn't remember who I was when I woke up this morning. It was a much needed rest to gain perspective!

And it definitely was a blessing that I was able to wake up to a message from a dear friend of mine, offering me the use of her vehicle. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.

God sends us beautiful angels to shine light into our darkest moments.

Everything stands against me and God stands behind me. Always.

I can't tell you how much I stand in amazement at how much God always provides. Through everything, God has been right there to care for and love us.

Through battles upon battles, God has fought for us. Through providing dates for us, to working all even the smallest details...

If God is for you, nothing can stand in your way.

So thank is my short note for today... I am a little tired from this week's craziness.

So signing off for tonight!

Love, Almost A Bride

When it rains...

This is a really sad post... I am sorry for the depressing material but I have just spent the last hour crying and can't bring myself to be fake and pretend to be happy.

I finally got to the point of trusting God, just going with the flow and letting God take care of everything.

And then today happened...

Started with a check engine light last night. Great.
So I called into work and then in the morning I called the mechanic. He couldn't get me in until the afternoon. So I laid around and watched some movies and snuggled with the dog... Get a call from the mechanic, you can come over now. Get there and I wait around for the diagnostic on the car...for almost 2.5 hours... Still no word. So I call him and he says, probably be another hour, which in mechanic language means two-three hours. So I call my mom to come rescue my frozen butt...

Get a call from the mechanic around 6:45... The repairs are going to cost thousands of dollars.

I. Don't. Have. Thousands. Of. Dollars.

I am trying to pay for a wedding and move in a month. That just isn't in the budget... And I need a car. For a month!!! This couldn't have happened in a month when I didn't need the stupid thing???

As I am on the phone with the mechanic trying not to completely lose it, God asks, "Do you trust me?"

My first thought, "Are you freaking kidding me right now????? You are seriously going to ask me that."

You see, my trust in Him lasts until I truly have no way of doing it on my own. Then my faith wavers. My faith is gone when I can't accomplish what is put in front of me.

I feel like I was doing really good and then the devil goes and throws my life off and screams at me, "So where is your god now??"

Why does he target me? Why does everything happen all at once??

I have been holding it together really well the past couple weeks, not stressed or overwhelmed just kind of riding with the flow...and then the tornado hit.

I broke into a million pieces... I lost it tonight.

My little baby sister was crying tonight and both Dee and I were able to crawl into bed and just be there for her. I don't know why she was crying, she will tell me on her own time. But I just laid there and started crying...

I am leaving.

Just let that sink in. I am moving away from my family. I won't be able to be there when my siblings are having a bad day and need some cuddle time. I won't be around for them when people break their hearts. I won't be able to comfort them and hold them while they cry.

I left her room and my heart fell apart. I can't stop crying even as I write this so please excuse the spelling or grammar errors, I really can't see the screen.

I was doing so well, and then my world crashed and I fell along with it.

I am strong. But once that strength is gone, I am completely undone.

I am grateful after everything happens, but during it I am so annoyed.

God knows exactly what I need. Not what I want. What I need.

I had become confident in my ability. I had become comfortable in knowing that I could do this. I got to a point that I thought I was okay and God fell into the background.

God doesn't want to be background noise. He wants to be a whisper in our ear. He wants to be that voice that is right next to us every step of the way.

And the only way I hear His voice is if my world has fallen apart and I am standing in the rubble. I can't hear his voice with everything going perfect. I am a total wreck right now. I have fallen apart.

Not only do I desperately need people, but I desperately need God. I have to reach out to people now because I don't have strength. I don't have what it takes...

God knows I will do this all on my own if given the choice. But He has forced me to the point that I need Him and the people He has given me. I love God, but I hate that I don't rely on Him unless He strips everything from my hands...

So here is my broken self. Here is the side of me that absolutely hates feeling like she is abandoning her siblings when they need her love the most. Here is the me that I can barely breathe from all the stress and sadness... Here is the me that wants to curl into a ball and rewind the world to when I was five and playing Polly Pockets with Dee...

I don't want this chapter in my life to be over. It hurts to turn the page...

God please tell me You have a plan for this pain cause if not, my heart is being crushed for no reason.

Love, Almost A Bride

Wonder Bridesmaid....

Day 4: Birthday time!!!

So today is one of my beautiful bridesmaid's birthdays!!

She has been incredible during this whole journey. Honestly, if I could sit down and tell you how many times I have emailed her freaking out about this, that, and whatever...you would fall asleep. 

I am going to miss her. What am I going to do when I am in Hawaii and she is here? I am trying to convince her to move with me. ;)

When brides pick their bridesmaids for a wedding, there are some who take forever to choose. There are so many things to consider and weigh. It can take time.

Not for me.

I knew before I was even engaged who my bridesmaids were going to be.

And let me tell you, I picked right!!

I picked women who were going to have my back 100%, who were going to support me in everything, who wouldn't talk about me behind my back, who would keep my drama to themselves, who would be there when I needed a midnight phone call, who would make sure that nothing ruined my day for me, who would take care of anything that fell apart on my wedding day without stressing me.

But most importantly I knew I would need women who were willing to help me take care of myself that day.

And I got three of the best.

I have the most humble, selfless, caring, excited bridesmaids in the world. They have been there to calm me down, pick me up, hold me together, and they haven't even had to help me pee with my dress on yet!!

How did I get so blessed??

My other two bridesmaids are wonderful and I will write a post about them on another day but today is my day to write about Faith!

I told her that I was going to need a body guard on my wedding day and she volunteered so quickly! She told me she would try to keep her "Latina" mouth in check but she wasn't making any promises... I told her if someone can't control what they say, you don't have to either, just make sure it doesn't get to me.

You see, we have a lot of people who are unhappy with this marriage. A lot of people who are going to try and say something nasty to us, people who are going to tell me that OUR wedding isn't what THEY want it to be... And I am not in the mood to try and pretend that I care. (Sorry not sorry...) I won't have the energy to be nice, so I know that she is going to have to take care of it before it even gets to me. And she will.

I trust her with my life.

She keeps my excitement up, she helps me see beyond the stress and overwhelming load that is on my plate. She is there to talk me out of being a selfish crazy bridezilla, talk me down from jumping into my red hot anger, and talk my crazy head back into the game.

She will also make me take care of myself, and take care of me for me. She will be my backbone. She will have the tissue to fix my makeup. She will have the spare change for some chocolate.

Bridesmaid? Try Wonder Woman.

I asked for her help getting music together....she shows up with a timeline of our wedding ceremony and a list of songs for each part of our ceremony.

I couldn't ask for better...

And I owe her big time!

There isn't enough money in the world to thank her for everything that she has done and will do for our big day!

Thank you Faith from the bottom of my heart!

Love, Almost A Bride

You win some and you lose some...

Day 3 in the world of almost a bride:

This morning I woke up really happy. And then that all went down the drain.

Got up, showered, actually got my hair to lay flat.

Left the house.

Sat in traffic behind two rigs.

Going to be late for work.

Accident.

Couldn't take my normal route.

Had to take the long way.

Construction.

Couldn't turn.

Had to take Colfax.

Ew.

Going to be super late.

Stopped and got everyone breakfast since I was already going to be late.

Got to work.

Argued with my boss.

Boss told me that something happened last night.

I was the only one working last night.

Said something did NOT happen last night.

Boss continued to argue.

Boss then sent me an email that said that said something was going to happen this afternoon.

Boss still thought I was stupid and he was right.

Boss apparently thinks that a ghost works here.

Guy who pissed me off by saying homeschoolers were stupid, psycho idiots, is now arguing about politics upstairs.

I can hear everything.

Dude that I don't get along with at work is out for the next couple weeks cause his wife is having a baby.

Happy dance for his absence.

Scared face for his children.

Anger because he hasn't done his work for the past week.

Have to do his work for the past week.

Really annoyed at him....

Customer on the phone asked if I was a computer.

Wouldn't stop telling me computer jokes.

Asked for a manager.

Three people yelled at me.

Called insurance company to switch card numbers.

Lady couldn't figure out that I was Chiarra not Eric.

Said four times that mine was the Cobalt.

Yes, 2008.

No, I do not drive a mini van.

No, my payments are made on the first.

Yes, not the tenth, the first.

Some jerk told me I was ugly when I didn't smile...

All because he didn't have a social security number and I wouldn't take his application.

You see, some days are good, and some days blow. Just because you are full of joy doesn't mean you are happy. Some days I just can't stand people and I have no patience.

Other days, I am nice as pie. My desire to be fake and pretend to like my job went out the window when I learned that I was moving away.

It is not a good place to be at, that is for sure. I am so done with working there...and I still have a month.

21 days actually!

Okay I can do this!! 21 days until this life draining place can no longer kill my soul.

Some days are great. Some days are not so great.

Today is a not so great day.

Today is a day that I am glad I only have 21 days left.

So today, there will be no wedding planning.

There will be a bubble bath and a good book.

You win some and you lose some.

Love,

Almost A Bride

That unspoken issue...

Welcome again to my world!

So yesterday I promised a post about Cody, but something happened last night that I would much rather talk about today.

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

So here is a dirty topic...

Birth control.

Why do I feel like a slut because I am on birth control?

Most people are gonna be mad that I used that word but honestly, that is how I feel.

I feel like a slut.

A virgin slut.

A virgin slut that is only on the stupid pill cause she is getting married.

What a coincidence.

I hated birth control when I first started it.

I went psycho crazy lady...

And honestly, I am surprised that Cody still loved me.

From my crying every single freaking day, to picking fights about nothing at all, to being so emotionally unstable that all it took was one thing to set me over the edge.

But now, I love it!!

I know when my cycle is coming, I don't feel as terrible when it does come, and now my emotions are on more stable ground.

I feel like Chiarra again! Finally!

But last night when I went to pick it up, I didn't like it at all.

You know what the guy said when he gave it to me?

Okay, looks like you are all set for tonight.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, JERK??

He PROBABLY didn't mean it like that...but, it didn't change how that made me feel.

Oh so you mean I am all set to sleep around tonight?

Dude, ring. On finger. Duh.

It wasn't what he said at all, it was just that I feel like that.

Like birth control is this nasty horrible thing.

And it isn't.

Why do we not talk about birth control at church?

Why is it such a taboo topic?

So pretty much this post is all about telling everything that I am on birth control to break that unseen barrier that I feel I am under.

And for some reason I feel like giggling.

There is a picture on my desk of Cody in uniform with his military stoic face and it makes me want to giggle.

I feel like he is sitting somewhere rolling his eyes at me for being so silly and caring about something so stupid.

And I also want to giggle thinking about making faces at him trying to get him to smile while taking that picture...

Anyways, random bunny trail there....

Thanks for letting me be honest!

Love, Almost A Bride

Did I mention EVERYTHING?!

Hello, my name is Almost A Bride. 

I look mentally unstable.

Welcome to my world!!

It is a fun world, full of flowers and dresses, dates and stresses. And an occasional unflattering picture to show that I am perfectly human!

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

Day One:

I have a month. A month. I almost just threw up 10 minutes ago thinking about the fact that in a month....I will be a Mrs. A MRS PEOPLE!!! Do you understand the significance of this fact? No longer a Hennigan. No longer Miss Chiarra. But most significantly... No longer a virgin.

Admit it, you were thinking it. I just had the courage to say it. I am going to give my virginity to my husband. Yippie!!! >>!!insert happy dance!!<<

Isn't that pretty much what goes through everyone's minds at a wedding anyways? "Oh hey betcha they are gonna do it tonight...hehehe..." So let me just clear the air, kill the elephant in the room, whatever you want to say... Now it is out there! And yes, I am super excited! Thanks for asking! ;)

Okay sorry for the bunny trail, back to what I was trying to say...

I am giving up everything. Everything. I am giving up my name, my life, my home, everything... I think I have said everything enough by now but just to be sure you know how I feel...I AM GIVING UP EVERYTHING!!!

That is slightly frightening at times...

Speaking that I still can't figure out how to sign my new name...

Have I mentioned how much I HATE cursive K's? I can never get them to look pretty enough....

And it is soooooooo long....

I pretty much scribble Hennigan as it is... But Hennigan is easy to scribble....

This is why, God, that I told you I wanted someone with a shorter last name! 

Oh have I also mentioned that I am completely screwed from now on in the name pronunciation department? I thought I had issues before...Oh geez, get ready for scariness....

I am moving down the street...okay maybe to the next town, oh well I might have exaggerated there I am moving states...Actually oceans... Yup, moving across the ocean. When? Oh just 2 days after the wedding. No biggie right? Ha! As if getting married isn't change enough, I am moving to an island.

I always said I couldn't live on an island...there is no where to go if something scary happens. You all pretty much are screwed and get to die by drowning. Have sweet dreams!

I probably sound by now as if I am freaking out...Actually I am not. I have no idea why or how I am feeling calm...

The funny thing about all this is, I have peace. A strange, beautiful, unexplained peace. I have joy and happiness... I WANT to give up everything. I want to start a new and beautiful life. I want to wake up in a new state, completely scared out of my freaking mind. I want to stress and plan and run around like a psycho chicken with one leg and no head. I want to sign that marriage license and enter into a crazy adventure... I am so excited to give up everything that I have now in return for a much more beautiful life than I could have ever planned for myself...

My life is about to be turned upside down, and then inside out, and then be sent into a volcano and blown across a mountain....and I am happy about it!

I cannot wait to marry Cody. I have no doubt that he is the man for me...

One time he told me, "I will marry you, Chiarra. That isn't a question." 

But that is a tale for tomorrow perhaps...

Goodnight beautiful world!

Love, Almost A Bride

Wild freedom to fly...

Lately my life has been insane.
And at first I hated it! I hated every minute of living with no plan and being so uncertain about everything. I hated not knowing details and I hated not knowing what was going on and what my future held. Days spent in stress and tears wishing for this all to be over. Complaining and taking sympathy for the way that my life was a wreck.

And now, I don't want it to end.

I don't want this chaos to end. I don't want to know what is coming. I don't want to see my future. I love this insanity. I love the adventure of not knowing what is coming next.

You see because part of me has always been wild and free. Part of my soul has always yearned to be free to fly in the wind. Somewhere deep in my being I was made of chaos and a little bit of faith.

Yet I have put myself in chains. Fear, insecurity, finances, jobs, school, car payments, doctors bills, plans, futures, more plans, failed plans, tried again plans, details... Everything that I thought would make me successful in life has made me crazy. I am literally to the point that I don't want a plan anymore. I want to be free again to dream.

You see, my chains stole my dreams. I stopped dreaming because dreams require flight and you can't fly when you are nailed to the ground. Fear of the future kept me from actually living my life.

And God knew that. So He created a crazy life for me. He threw me out of the boat and said, okay now walk on the water to me. He asked insanity of me. And it brought me freedom.

I forgot the thrill of flying. I forgot what it felt like to dream up insanity. I forgot what it was like to not have solid ground beneath your feet. I forgot the excitement in taking risks and being free.

There was always a part of me that desired to be free, that desired to be free. Free to dream and jump off cliffs, free to spin in circles if I want to.

I love chaos. I look into my eyes and I see the need for adventure. I see the hidden chaos that was there so long ago.

Wild and fierce, ready to take on the world, I feel like I have been awakened. I had a choice, hold onto to fear and lose the most important thing in the world to me, or take a leap of faith and turn my life upside down.

And I chose the later. And now, I am starting to love the fact that I am moving to another state and don't have a place to live yet. That sounds exciting to me! I love that I still don't have a set date for our wedding because when it happens, it is going to be simple and elegant and I love that. I won't have time to worry about all the stupid little details that don't really matter.

My life is now a wild venture that matches my wild soul.

God is just laughing at me...

I like control.
I like details.
I like knowing everything.

Actually...
I need control.
I need details.
I need to know everything.

My brain revolves around details.
It is how I am made.
Ask anyone who knows me, Chiarra needs details, she needs order, she needs control.

And right now, there is only chaos and stress and disorder.
There are no details that are certain.
There is nothing that I can hold onto that I know for fact.

I am basing my whole life on maybes.
Maybe we will get married then.
Maybe we will get a date then.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

God knows that I need detail.
God knows that I can only survive on control.
God knows....

And He just laughs and laughs...
...and laughs...
...and laughs some more...

He has been prying things out of my hands for a while now.
He has been trying to work on me but it isn't working out so great.
And now, I have no choice but to trust Him.

There is nothing certain.
I might be getting married in three weeks.
It might be six.

I have no idea how in the freaking world I am supposed to plan a wedding like this.
Nothing is set in stone even then.
If it is in three weeks, I might not know for a whole other week and a half...

God thinks he is so funny...
And I am angry.
He just sits in heaven laughing while I am drowning in misery.

I have no control over anything.
And God knows I need that.
But I hate every minute of it.

I hate every minute of it.
I hate every second.
I hate everything that He takes out of my hands.

But there is something I can control.
I can control who's hands I am resting in.
I can control where I run where there is only madness going around me.

I can control if I turn to God.
I can control what I allow myself to be stressed with.
I can control the main detail in my life.

I am in control.
Not because I have control.
Only because I am running to the One who is in control.

God controls the chaos.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

 So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

Tonight I found a blog of a wonderful mother of three children. I have never met a woman so real. And I have not had my soul touched in such a way in a very long time. She writes posts on how it is difficult to remain humble in worship when we feel like we have it all together, or on how she can barely get her children to bed, or how her heart broke when she learned that her twin boys did better if they were bottle fed at night instead of nursed. She is real. And she wrote a blog post about this song... Oceans. God's unending call on my life right at this moment.

Let me tell you a bit about how my night is going... Well actually my week.

Last week my love left for a while. We usually have email. But for whatever reason someone decided to be an idiot and send out the wrong information and everyone might be getting punished for it. And now we may never get to email each other when he is gone again. That is literally the only thing that has kept me going. Since mid-August we have had 7 weeks now of him being gone and about 3ish weeks of him able to talk to me on the phone. In that time we have fought and argued, loved each other with everything in us, cried and cried many tears (okay I mainly did the crying), screamed at the cruelty of life and the military (yeah, that was me too), got engaged, tried to get his leave approved for our wedding, got his leave dates, lost his leave dates, trusted God, watched Him come through for us, got angry that it wasn't in the time frame that we wanted (uh yeah it was me getting angry...), felt stupid for being angry when God showed up (yup, you guessed it me again), cried, broke, found our way back, cried again, poured out our hearts and fears, loved, healed each other, grew in knowledge and understanding, prayed for miracles, reminded each other to trust God (more like my love reminding me to trust God). We have been under pressure and honestly I have broken more than I have been able to stand. But guess what, that is freaking okay. But this week has been exceedingly hard. I have got only 2 emails all week and each time I feel my heart sink every single time I check the stupid thing. 

I just miss him.

This is not who I am. I am not cut out for this sort of thing. 

My love language is: QUALITY TIME!

What the @*(^$*&#^(@*^&#$*&^#&@*&# were you thinking God???

This last week I had my bridal shower... Without him around to talk about it afterwards. I have planned everything without him. I have walked this journey without him. All of my friends want to meet him, want to know him, want to know what he is like, want to ask me questions. And I just want to sit down and cry. I know that no one I love knows this wonderful man who would give anything for me. It breaks my heart how many people talk about me behind my back because they don't understand. It makes me beyond angry when even my doctor says, you guys are young, sure you don't want to wait? No, no I don't. I hate people for asking me if I have a date yet for our wedding. I want to tell them to go jump off a building because it makes me so stressed and frustrated. I want to tell everyone that if they don't walk in my shoes they should back up heck up and leave me alone. I am so tired of feeling like I am bearing the weight of everyone's judgement on me because I am making a choice that seems crazy. Family, friends, co-workers, all trying to tear me down, tear us apart.

And I am about fed up with it. To be perfectly honest.

I am tired of defending myself to people who claim to love me. I am tired of feeling like I need to prove them wrong.

This is my life. Welcome to it.

On top of everything else, I am sick. My immune system couldn't take it anymore and quit. I am so sick that the doctor told me to stay home from work until Friday. FRIDAY!! What the heck am I supposed to do at home until Friday?? UGH! Good thing I need to use up sick leave before I move. Oh yeah did I mention that I am moving across the globe? Yup.

So as I sit here tonight, I feel crushed on all sides. I feel like I cannot honestly go on. How am I supposed to get up in the morning and pretend to be okay? The right side of my head feels like it is going to explode from sinus pressure and I honestly barely feel it because my heart is literally bleeding out. That is what it feels like. I feel like I cannot do this.

A couple months ago God asked me to walk on water. He asked me if I would get out of my comfort zone and walk on water knowing that I am leaving behind everyone's support and acceptance in the boat.

You see it is such a simple story. Jesus learns that his cousin was beheaded, then He feeds 5,000 people and then He needs to be alone to pray. He tells His men to get in a boat, knowing already that a storm was going to come up against them. But He waited until dawn to walk towards them. And they think it is a ghost. After all Jesus has done, they think it is a ghost. Peter says, Lord if its truly You, then tell me to come to You. Jesus says, Come. That's it. Come. Not have faith, don't doubt me, keep your eyes up, here is how to pray, here is the faith you will need. He doesn't give Peter a manual of the ten steps of being ready to get out of the boat and then the How to Walk on Water 101. Jesus says Come. Knowing full well that Peter will sink. Jesus knew before He asked Peter to get out of the boat that he would lose faith and fear would get a hold of him and he would start to sink.

When Jesus told Peter to get out of the boat, it never says that Jesus stopped the storm. In fact it says that the storm didn't stop until they stepped foot back in the boat.

Peter had to get out of the boat in the middle of a raging storm.

That is how I feel right now.

Here I am, little ole' me. Crawling out of the side of a boat of safety into a storm. Little five-foot-something 110 pound me is having to get out into a storm that is blowing around a freaking boat! And that storm is raging against me to the point that I can barely breathe. I am drowning. Or so it feels. But would Jesus ever really let you drown?

Jesus said, "Come." Knowing that I didn't have the strength or the faith to walk all the way to Him. He called me into the unknown, literally. Unknown of when I would move my entire life to another place across the ocean, unknown of when our wedding would be, unknown of where we would live. A woman who survives on detail, knows nothing. Literally nothing about her future. Besides that Jesus said to come and there is a huge storm going on. And guess what?

My feet are failing me. I am sinking. I am crying and dying inside because of the weight of the water that is swallowing me up. The wind is blowing me over and knocking me into the waves. The waves are making a current that keeps me from pulling my head up to grasp for air. And that is right where His grace is abounding, where He pulls me above it all to remind me that He has a plan. That He knows how to stop the storm, that He controls the chaos.

God controls the chaos.

Let that sink into your heart my love when you cannot breathe because you are walking on water in a storm. Let that be a reminder to you when you are overwhelmed with planning a wedding alone and figuring out details without having any of them. Let that remind you when you cannot breathe because missing your man is the hardest thing you have ever had to do. Let that give you peace when you are walking across the unknown, unsure of whatever sea monster lurks below the surface ready to eat you. 

God controls the chaos.

I don't have to. I don't have to control the storm. I don't even have to worry about the storm. I don't have to worry about anything.

God controls the chaos.

All He asks is for me to come. Bring nothing but my tiny faith that will fail me. Bring no plan of action, bring no great and wonderful water skis or flotation device. Just simply come. With nothing but myself. Why? Because God has the rest of it taken care of. He has the storm taken care of, He has the saving hand when I start to drown, He has the boat at the end taken care of. God has it in the bag.

He asks me to walk this beautiful adventure for many reasons. One thing for certain is, He is keeping me humble. I cannot say at all through any of this that I have been okay by myself. Whether He has taught me to rely on other people, or to trust Him, or to trust my man, He has stripped everything out of my hand to give Him all the glory.

I am not in control of anything. And it is so chaotic I can't even think properly sometimes. Sometimes the din of the chaos is so loud that I can't even hear my screams at night. I am sure this post is full of error because I can barely see through the hot tears that are literally pouring down my face every sentence I write. But I am going to let it go. 

Because maybe Jesus wants to back float on the water with me for a while. Maybe Jesus wants to swim around for a bit in the storm.

Either way, He has a plan. Not me. I do not have a plan anymore.

Am I stressed? You betcha! But does it matter? Nope! God has a plan. This storm is serving a purpose somehow.

Because He never failed me and He won't start now.

God controls the chaos.

Why war scares me...

God has jokes.
I told him, no military men, ever. I never will date or marry a military man. I felt as a kid that I had lost my uncle when the war started. I remember one day in kids church I burst into tears because I was scared he was going to die. God and I made a pact right then and there I would never be with someone in the military. Or so I thought God made a pact with me...
Apparently God had a bigger plan.

I am about to marry a man who is in the Navy. Would I change that for anything in the world? No. Never.

But why did I tell God no to begin with?

It's simple.

War.

War is why I said no. War is frightening and terrifying. War means danger and being afraid. War means fear. And fear means worry and crying and tears.

And lots of what if's.

What if Cody dies? Or gets hurt? Or comes back with PTSD?
What if war takes him from me?
What if I lose him?
What will I do then?

How will I survive if war takes him from me?

War puts his fate in the hands of terrorists.

Or so I thought. But in all truth, his fate is in the hands of God.

God has war in His hands. God has a plan even in the pain and fear of losing the man I love so dearly.

I don't want war. I hate war.

But God can keep him safe. God can keep us both safe.

I need to trust God. I need to let it go to His hands. I need His love and peace.

I don't have to be good enough for anyone.

Okay so I have avoided being truly honest on here for a while cause there are some people in my life who would love to take anything I say and make it horrible. I have avoided being real because people like to take real and destroy you. They will try and find any and everything they can to think that you are worse than you are. People spread rumors about real people.

But I have decided that I don't care anymore. Sure talk trash about me. Sure take my vulnerability and rub my short comings in my face. Do it. I dare you.

Cause I don't care anymore. I might care tomorrow, but I will read this again and I will find again that I don't care.
Why don't I care?

Because I don't have to be enough for anyone.
I do not have to be good enough for anyone.
I do not have to be a certain kind of person for any gosh darn stupid idiot that thinks I am not what I should be.

Yeah that was harsh but it is the truth.

I do not have to be anything for anyone.

I, me, Kiki, myself is good enough. As I am.
With all my failures.

I am good enough to marry Cody.
I am good enough to have a beautiful wedding day.
I am good enough to have the job that I have.
I am good enough to be apart of a new family.
I am good enough to have children with the man I love.
I am good enough to make whatever choices I freaking want.

I am good enough. I am more than good enough. I am super good enough. I am exceedingly more than enough. I am extremely more than enough. Why? Because God says I am. He says that this is my future and He says I am good enough to be in it.

So to all the haters, I say keep on hating. Just keep it up. Cause 10, 20, 30 years down the road I will be happy while you wallow in your miserable horrible life still. Why? Because I am enough, always and forever.

Me, plain ole me. Me who grew up in a beautiful small house with one bathroom. Me who did not grow up in a mansion. Me who has screwed up. Me who has made mistakes. Me who came from modest upbringing, me who doesn't have a million dollars. Me who wants to pay for her wedding with just her and her fiance, me who doesn't want or need help. Me who is not about putting on airs for people. Me who wants a small wedding and not a lot of people. Me who chooses to love a man in the military. Me who sometimes cries because being away from him is the hardest thing I have ever done. Me who is getting married quickly. Me who will no longer give excuses for her actions.

I refuse to explain myself to anyone anymore. Because those who love me don't mind and those who mind don't truly love me.

I don't have to have excuses or reasons why things are happening the way the are.
My explanation is from now on: That's how I want it.

Because I am enough. What I want is good enough. I am good enough to marry Cody. I am good enough to be happy for the rest of my life. I am more than enough for him, I am more than enough for me.

Bye, bye haters. I don't care anymore.

(Photo credit: Kenny Kerns Photography)

Why does God let terrible things happen?

Why does God let terrible things happen?

I had kind of a revelation today... Why does He let awful things happen?
Well how would He stop it?
I am not saying that God isn't powerful enough to stop it, or that He can't, but what would He do to stop it?
Would He kill everyone that was going to do terrible things in their lives?
Would He force someone to have a change of heart?
Would you rather horrible things happen, or a controlling God?
Would you rather a God who loves you through the terrible circumstances, or a God who killed everyone who would ever hurt you?
Wouldn't that mean that all of us would be dead?
I mean at all times, we are going to hurt someone in our lives.
Sin came into the world through man, a man who screwed up.
God could have stopped that from happening.
God could have taken away our free will, we could have been robots living in a perfect world with no pain or suffering.
All pain and suffering was brought into the world by one sin.
Not God.
God allowed it because He wanted to give us the choice of free will.
And with free will came heartache and pain.
Instead of asking, why does God let terrible things happen, maybe we should ask why Adam and Eve let terrible things happen.
If it wasn't Adam and Eve though, someone would have sinned along the road.
Someone along the line would have eaten the apple.
But with that apple all horrible things came into the world.
God allows terrible things to happen because He didn't want robots.
I am sure that you don't want to be a robot either.
I am positive that everyone wants to be able to choose what they want to believe.
So the next person that asks, why does God let terrible things happen, ask them if they want to have free will?
Do you want God to start killing everyone who sins?
Yes, it is what we deserve, but for heaven's sake, no one is perfect enough!
We would all die!
What would God do to stop terrible things?
Take away our free will?
Kill people who were about to hurt others?
Put us in a sterile world were nothing could go wrong ever and no one was free to choose their own path?
I would rather a God who loves me enough to give me the choice to love Him or not.
I would rather a God who gives me the strength to get through the terrible things.
I would rather that God than a dictator that I have no option but to follow.

Million miles an hour...

I am trying to plan a wedding. Oh yeah, isn't it stressful?? Hahahahahahahahahaha....haha...hahaha...ha...
Stressed isn't even a big enough word to describe how I am feeling right now.

I need help. But I don't know how to tell people that they can help.
What am I supposed to say?
Oh yeah, you can call the Navy and get me a date for Cody's leave.
Please call the venue and reserve all the open nights in October just in case.
Pull money out of the sky to pay for things.
Get a dress and get all the fittings done in time.
Figure out what is "in time."
Text all the groomsmen and get them to rent black suits.
Figure out a rehearsal dinner.
Find a minister.
Figure out how to get my car to Hawaii.
Pack and clean out my room to move to Hawaii.
Cancel my storage unit.
Move crap back into my parent's house.
Get rid of crap from my parent's house.
Find an apartment in Hawaii for us to move into.
Call my doctor for birth control.
Set up our honeymoon.
Find us a flight back to Hawaii.
Figure out food for our reception.
Find us a person to do the music and run sound.
I need about 10 people to help with food and set up and tear down on a weekday.
I need to get his ring.
I need to get a playlist for the night and get all the music for it.
I need to get my iPod fixed.
I need to find red shoes.

Okay you get the picture... There isn't a whole lot that you can do. I need big things right now. I have all the details of the wedding on my plate, and I am freaking out. I have about a month to plan. And I am stressed. Very stressed.

How do you enjoy the moment when your brain won't shut down? How do you keep that happy glow when you wake up at 5 every morning and can't go back to sleep because your brain started rolling away without you?

How do you breathe when you can't see the sun because you have too many buildings in front of you??

How do you see beauty when life is going a million miles an hour??

I need to breathe!

Some day....

I have been holding onto two words this last week.

Some.
Day.

Some day I won't have to work this job.
Some day I will be back to the person that I was before.
Some day I will talk to you again.
Some day I will be married.
Some day I won't have to wait months upon end to see my love.
Some day I will be stronger than I am now.
Some day I will be healed.
Some day I won't cry as much.
Some day I will figure out what I want to do with my life.
Some day I will travel again.
Some day I won't have to struggle with money.
Some day I will be okay.
Some day I will have a plan.
Some day I will not let fear hold me captive.
Some day I will be the woman that I want to be.
Some day I won't be this crazy lady anymore.

That day doesn't have to be today.

But I beat myself up for it not being today.

I want results right now.

THIS minute.

I want to be a good person.

I want to be at least better than I am right now.

But change happens slowly.

You don't wake up one day and have your life together.

I am a mess. And that is okay.

And some day I will be okay with that.

Some day I will be okay with the fact that I don't have it together.

Not today. But maybe tomorrow.

Freedom...

This morning I woke up and was going to post a status on Facebook about freedom and then I realized that, I wanted to say more than someone would read on a Facebook status. Why? Cause this holiday is extremely important to me and dear to my heart.

Freedom is not free. You always hear people say that on any holiday that celebrates our country. Happy Memorial, Veterans, Fourth, etc....Remember freedom isn't free.

Have we gotten to where that doesn't mean anything to us? Have we gotten so used to hearing it that we forget to hear it?

Freedom to me is when I was too young to understand my uncle went to boot camp. I felt like he had left me. My Uncle Ryan was one of my favorites and always held a very special place in my heart. I remember when he and my Uncle Sean would stay with my parents and I and I would get to wake them up by jumping on their beds. They were always so happy to see me and I was thrilled to see them!! When Uncle Ryan left we all went to take the last pictures with him and I wanted a picture with just us. I loved him very much, and I still do.

But I still remember the day that my parents told me that he was going to Iraq. I sat in Kid's church and cried... I didn't want anyone to see me cry but Pastor Rachael came over and asked why I was crying. The only words I could manage were, I will hate God if my uncle dies in Iraq. She, being the most wonderful kid's pastor in the world, told me that most men who went over to Iraq were getting saved and finding Jesus and that God would keep him safe over there. I got home from church that day thinking, I wonder what people without God do when their family is military.

My uncle has come home from every tour that he has done, by the grace of God. But there is still sorrow in my heart. He lives far away and I see him on very very rare occasions. He was stationed in Colorado and we got to see him a few times while he was here, but then the military takes him to another state and we just have to deal with losing him again.

Freedom comes at a cost for families everywhere. Every man that is in the military has left some family at home to worry about him, miss him, and need him. He is missing out on parts of his family that he will never be able to get back. It costs him and all his loved ones deeply. So thank you Uncle Ryan for leaving your family and giving your entire life to your country.

You also lose friends to the military.

Josh and I have been friends since I was in 4th grade and he was in 5th. Even then he was taller than all of us and our teacher in Sunday School. Josh would always talk about how his dad was in the military and how he wanted to go into the military as well. I would always cringe and try to talk him out of it. Of all the people that I know from back then, Josh and I are the closest. He is probably one of my best friends and has been for years. Yeah sure we fight like brother and sister, and sometimes we don't talk for a year at a time, but no matter what I know that Josh is gonna be there to forgive me. We could not talk for a while and then pick up right where we left off. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if my safety was on the line, Josh would lay his life down for me. He would kill anyone who tried to hurt me.

He said something that broke my heart a few weeks ago... He told me to enjoy my Fourth and take lots of pictures for him. He told me I had to have double the good time because he couldn't have a good time. You see, Josh is deployed right now. And they are gonna do their best to celebrate this wonderful holiday. But they can't celebrate with fireworks and BBQ's. What does he get to celebrate this day that he is fighting to keep alive? Sand, duty watches, heat, no sleep (he never sleeps), uncomfortable uniforms...You get the picture. Josh is 21 and should be at home for the Fourth having fun with his friends and family, drinking lemonade and watching fireworks. But instead I have to celebrate for him because he can't do any celebrating.

Every day that I don't hear from Josh I am so worried that something happened to him. I am terrified that he is dead or something crazy. You see, this isn't over. Our men are still fighting enemies everywhere. He likes to terrify me and tell me how many times the bomb alarm goes off in a day. He is the most selfless man that I know, I always am hearing about how he is giving up sleep to go with one of his guys to get their teeth pulled or how his friend is not passing his PT and so Josh is spending is sleeping hours to go help him. Good men like Josh, give up their own freedom for ours.

Then this post brings me to my favorite man alive... The man who holds my heart and takes such wonderful care of it.

Wanna know why Cody wrote me a letter back when he was in boot camp? Cause I thanked him for his service. And why did I do that? Cause I knew what it was like to lose someone to the military and I knew the sacrifices that he was having to make in order to serve our country. I had felt first hand how that felt and I wanted him to know that I saw and appreciated it. That is why he wrote me a letter back. Because I thanked him for his service and he thought that maybe I wasn't just a stupid girl. Ha! He sure found out quickly that I wasn't!

I swore up and down that I would NEVER date someone in the military. In fact I had three main rules. I would never date someone in the military, never date someone younger than me, never date someone with a longer last name than mine.

Then Cody Krollpfeiffer came along with his 13 letter last name, 1995 birth year, and his job in the Navy. God has jokes. And they aren't funny. But I am glad that he has jokes because I have found the best man in the world. He is so perfect for me. His love is beautiful and kind, he is protecting and always caring for me. He has put up with me, a miracle that I thought no one would ever accomplish. He has loved me in my depression, in my happiness, in hatred, laughter, and joy. He has loved the good and the bad side of me.

But he isn't here. He isn't able to hug me after a long day. He isn't able to cure my lonely days. He sin't here to celebrate this holiday with. We can't watch fireworks under the stars, we can't share a good ole American hamburger, we can't go hide in the mountains for a day. We have to celebrate things alone. We have to do life alone. We have each other, sure. But we don't have each other at the same time. I would not trade it for the world... But now I have a much higher respect for military wives and mothers. They go without their backbone, often at very young ages. They keep the home together, raise the children, do without love and affection, all for the sake of this country.

Just last night I was crying because deployments are coming up soon for Cody and I and they are threatening to crush me. I feel this upcoming pain and I just want to stop time. I want to stay in this place forever... I don't want him to leave. And especially not to go fight for people who abuse their freedom and rights.

So please today, thank a service member. Women and men who give up their lives, their dreams, their families, friends, loved ones, all to make sure that you can watch those fireworks tonight. If you see a bumper sticker saying that they have a loved one in the military, especially those who say wife of a military man, please leave a note thanking them for everything that they do. Maybe even leave them $20 and a Starbucks card so that they can go escape for a while. If you see a service man, buy his dinner or his gas. Thank him for his service and sacrifice. Because it is hard to fight for your freedom, and one thank you can make the world of difference.

So thank you to everyone who faithfully serves this beautiful country. Thank you for those who aren't ablet o be with their families so that I could write this blog post today. Thank you for serving in Iraq Uncle Ryan, thank you for serving now Josh. And thank you Cody for every single minute that you spend away from me, just to make sure that I can sleep at night.

So to celebrate this holiday in whatever way that you want. But I hope you find a service member today and thank them because without them, we would not be here today.