Dearest baby sister,
I have not always been the best example in life. I have made so many mistakes and I hope you were too young to remember a lot of them. I hope you forget all the dumb things I did and put up with and I hope you just remember this version of me. The stronger, smarter, wiser version. But part of me does hope you remember my mistakes. Remember all the things I did wrong and all the wrong turns I made in life. Remember my mistakes, not as a part of me, but as a guide for you to make better choices. If I had to walk the road that I walked, just for the sole purpose that you would not have to walk it, I would do it all over again a million times. So here is what little wisdom I have, I hope you cherish it because I went through a lot of heartache to gain it.
Don't take crap from anyone. Do not let yourself be bullied or looked down upon or ridiculed. Stand up for your choices and believe in yourself and what you are doing in life. But never become a bully yourself. When someone gives you crap, turn it into a compliment for them. When someone tries to bully you, bring them lunch or a candy bar and shower them with kindness. NEVER let how someone treats you define how you treat others.
Smile at everyone. All the time. Be happy to see your friends. Be excited when you see them in passing. Nothing will mean more to someone than a smile. Let everyone know that they are loved and cherished by you at all points in the day. But also, know your boundaries. If someone is taking too much from you, make sure you set up boundaries with them. The people who love you will listen and understand your boundaries. Only hang out with them every other week, or text them only once in a while. If you do this you can put everything into being present and not burnt out when you are around them! And if they still are draining you or causing you drama or pain, show them the door politely. Quietly step out of their life. Or just be done and walk away. The pain of losing someone is temporary compared to the lifetime scars that they might leave on you.
On the note of boundaries.... That brings me to the topic of boys....
I wish with everything in me that you stay as far away from them as possible until they are old enough to treasure your heart and love you properly. But since I cannot lock you up somewhere and throw away the key until then, here is what I want you to remember.
If a boy stands you up, leave him. If a boy is overly jealous of your time and affection, leave him. If he gets mad at you for the littlest things, leave him. If every date he takes you on ends in you crying, leave him. If he blames you for whatever you are upset with him about, leave him. If everything is your fault, leave him. If he can't say sorry when he hurts you, leave him. If he doesn't change his behavior after that sorry, leave him. If you lose friends because he is controlling, leave him. If he is controlling or possessive at all, leave him. If you feel like you are walking on eggshells around him all the time, leave him. If you spend hours on the phone trying to make things right because you laughed at the wrong man's joke, leave him. If you can't be around your family without him embarrassing you or making you spend all your time focused on him, leave him. If he pushes your boundaries, leave him. If he doesn't listen to the word no coming from your mouth, leave him. If he can't control himself when he is with you, leave him. If you can't trust him, leave him. If he pressures you to do anything you don't feel like doing, leave him. If he makes you feel like you are garbage or worthless, leave him.
Even if he leaves a flower on your doorstep the next day. Even if he leaves you a million flowers. Even if he plans a big date to romance you. Even if he says all the things that your heart will want to hear, all the sweet words that will make you want to stay every day. Please leave him.
Character flaws are not something that romance and flowers can make up for. The pain he will cause you, is not worth staying with him. His actions need to match his words. If he says sorry, he better not do it again. You need to put your foot down baby girl because you are not a rug to be walked on. Because regardless of what your heart is telling you, you do not want to be with him.
You want to be a bird that is free to fly, not one locked in a cage in fear that they make the wrong chirp and get wrath in return. You want to be encouraged and enlightened and cherished. You want to be truly loved.
Abuse is not love. Please see it for what it is. And leave. Trust me, you'll thank me one day. It is not worth the scars later on down the road for the momentary feelings you have for him.
You can wait to have sex until you are married. It is possible. I did it. I know you can to. You have to find someone who is 100% self-controlled and will not do anything with you, even if you want him to in the moment. Feelings can get strong, but know your limits and have them etched in stone. You can do it, I know you can. But also, if you fail, don't let shame or fear or guilt eat you alive. Talk to someone about it, move forward, and use it to make your testimony better. Grow from your mistakes, don't let them weigh you down.
Be strong but compassionate, be firm but pliable, be confident but soft.
Don't let the world and its harshness change who you are inside.
If you want to be funny, be funny. If you want to be soft spoken, be soft spoken. If you want to climb a mountain and ride a goat, then do it. If you want to sit at home with a book and a cup of tea, then do it. If you want to be a great person, do it by following who you are, not what Instagram or Facebook is telling you is "cool."
You will get sad sometimes... But if that sadness lasts for too long or is too much to bear, reach out. Talk to someone. Talk to me, talk to a doctor, talk to a therapist, talk to mom or dad. Take something for it if you must without shame or fear or reservation. Don't be afraid to reach out...Because it runs in our family and it is treatable. You are not meant to feel down all the time. The world should not weigh so much that your back is breaking from carrying it.
Mom is always going to be there. You may not always get along because you are more like her than you realize or sometimes want to be, but she is always there. She gets things. She listens and understands. And one day you will realize that being like her is not a bad thing. If she tells you to leave a boy or a situation or friendship, please listen. Trust me. Save yourself the time and effort. Not sure if a boy likes you, bring them around mom, she will know if they do or not.
Also know that no matter what you do or who you are, she will love you. And so will I. You could come to me as the most broken, messed up person, and I will still take you in and help you find what you need. There is nothing so bad that you could tell me that it would ever change my opinion of you.
And lastly, be real. Be honest. Be true to who you are in all aspects. Be honest with yourself and others about your shortcomings. Work to be a better person, but know that you are already a great one. If someone doesn't like you for who you are, then you do not have to be friends with them. You will find people who will fall in love with your scars and your quirks and your humor. You will find people who will embrace you and not mock you for who you are. You are never too much for the right person, you are never a burden to those that really love you. Be who you are, show your flaws, be open about what is going on with you. People will flock to your realness, they will come and find shelter under your honesty.
I love you forever, even if you choose the same path as me,
Kiki
