Faking it...

Anybody who knows me knows this fact:

I am real.

Like really real.

Brutally honestly real.

Real about myself.

Real about my short comings.

I would rather tell you about everything that I have done wrong and fought about than anything that I could possibly have to brag about. I am not one to tell the good stories about myself. Not one to brag about myself.

But lately I have found that sharing who I really am gets me ridiculed and look down upon. My realness gets thrown in my face, my hurts get looked down on, my struggles "aren't that bad."

And so I have shut down all that is real about Kiki. I started to think about what people would think about me and say about me if I said certain things. I keep things to myself because no one knows the real me enough to know what I need to hear.

I hate it.

A lot.

This fake me looks "better." Acts "better." Sounds "better."

But she is a shell. She is just a little shell of the powerful woman she was before. She is a small voice inside of a dead body. She is the woman who is seen and not heard. She is hidden.

And I hate her. I hate the pretty version of myself. I hate the better looking version.

I hate the death behind her eyes.

I hate being a nice person.

It is not who I am.

Who am I?

I am the easily angered crazy psycho.

I am the person who rants for hours on end about people who make me angry.

I am the person who lashes out when hurt.

I am the person who will literally slit your throat if you hurt someone I love.

I am the person who will say it like it is.

I am the person who is real with God and about God.

I am the person who's prayer usually go something like, "What the h*** are you thinking God?"

I am the person who cries almost daily.

I feel everything to my deepest core. Every hurt, every joy, every anger, every little tiny bit of love I feel and I react to 102% of the time. I am a 0 to 90 in -2 seconds kinda of girl.

Some girls get described as fire, or a huricane, or a tidal wave, or any number of overwhelming effects of nature.

Well I am a train wreck of them all. I am the wind that blows my fire into the trees I built to protect myself only to be drowned out by the ocean that crashes into my dry soul.

And it is too much.

It is too much for people to handle. It is too overwhelming for people to love and hold onto.

One minute you are swaying in the breeze and the next you are drowning in smoke.

I am too much.

Too needy, too depressed, too controlling, too emotional, too much.

And yet, I am not enough.

I am not strong enough. I am not loving enough. I am not understanding enough. I am not good enough.

But you know what I am starting to think in writing this?

SCREW IT ALL!

I am who I am.

I am a big person. I am a huge person. I take up a lot of space in life and in relationships. I take up energy and time and desire and passion and effort. I am a sponge that soaks everything up and still wants me. I am a tremendously large soul.

And anyone who cannot carry the weight of that soul will drop me.

Anyone who loves me enough will grow their arms to hold the weight of me.

Why should I have to change just because someone can't handle that much of me?

Why should I have to die inside because someone can't handle the weight of my sorrow?

Why should I shut down my heart just because someone else doesn't know how to take it?

Why does it have to be me who has the problem?

So here it all is and I don't care who takes whatever mud from it to sling at me.

Take it all. Take whatever amo you want from this. You can't hurt me with the bullets I give you.

I miss home everyday. And I feel people have forgotten that I exist.

Which is necessary I guess, but it sucks being on the other end of it. Promised phone calls that never happen, texts that have dwindled everyday, relationships left to slowly die in the corner.

I went from fully independent woman who provide everything for herself to housewife who cooks, cleans, and does the laundry in the matter of a few short days. And sometimes I absolutely hate it. Some days I hate getting up early to take the husband to work to come home to an empty house all day long and deal with my thoughts and force myself to clean up the house. It is a hard adjustment to make. My own two feet to flat on my rear in less than a week.

I hate Cody being gone. Literally dread it everyday. I have anxiety attacks.

And I hate when people tell me to woman up about it. Or get over it. Or just focus on the time that you do have together. I just want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine. I get to see my husband for maybe two weeks out of the month and in those two weeks I get to actually be with him only part of those weeks. I am completely alone in a strange place and in a strange house with new friends that I am still trying to adjust to...and it sucks. My security leaves me. So don't tell me to woman up. I will cry if I feel like it. This is hard. You deal with it.

I feel like I suck the life out of the people that I do know because I literally always need company. I need people around me all the time. And at some point they are all just going to be like, I can't handle you go away.

I went from plans every single day, sometimes more than one person in a day.......to having me myself and I. And I found that I hate my own company. Like a lot. I hate sitting here and doing nothing but thinking all day.

And I hate people asking ten million and two questions about what I am doing when I really want them to ask how I am doing. I hate having to answer that I have been doing nothing more than cleaning the house because that is literally all that I can muster up the energy to do.

And I hate church. We went to one and it made me never want to go to a church ever again in my life. It was horrible. and what is sad is....it is a huge church. And a pretty modern and upbeat one. I don't want to try a church again. I really really don't care for "church" people. I don't care for the fake facade of the "joy of the Lord" when life is going on around us. I can't stand fake church people. I want TCN back. I want the place that I can smile and be upset all in the same place. I want the real God that is truly present there. I don't want this washed up and watered down Jesus that they are trying to hand me while they try to take my money. I wanted to chop the last pastor's head off and throw it in the collection plate.......Along with everyone who kept "amen"ing to his pathetic, dry, and completely impoverished sermon. It was the worst church service that I have sat through in years and I have never wanted to leave a church so badly. I literally gagged on praise that everyone was giving him after preaching. Jesus come home soon cause I can't handle that being what we have to deal with any longer.

And you know what, after saying all of that, I feel so much better.

People should try being real more often. It is soul refreshing.

Love, Kiki

One month down... Many to go...

I have been married a month. A month!! Can you believe it? I am still shocked sometimes when I wake up and I am in bed with a man. So far though I haven't hit him or anything crazy out of sleep madness. 

In the month that we have been married we have spent half of it apart from each other. Literally half of it he was gone. Almost a week of it we didn't have electricity. We had to pay our first month rent, which in Hawaii is like a down payment for a car. We went from living on an air mattress to buying a bed and a couch. We spent only half of our first week together, and the time we did spend together was comprised of mostly me crying and acting like an emotional train wreck. Still surprised he didn't say screw it I don't want te be married after those first 5 days together...

But despite all the hardship... It is wonderful. I think I have fallen more in love with him in this last month than I have ever before...and let me tell you, I loved him a lot before. It hasn't been easy, there is a lot to get used to for sure... And sometimes I just don't understand men.

Like the one time that I went grocery shopping to make him and his friend dinner and came back to my entire pot of coffee I had made earlier that day being thrown out.

HE THREW OUT MY ENTIRE POT OF COFFEE!!! WHO THROWS OUT COFFEE!? The whole pot, totally gone. I was so excited to come home and drink my coffee cause it would have been room temp and I was going to make iced coffee....and he threw it out. All of it. I was super annoyed....

And then I realized that I bought him bacon at the store because it is his favorite. And butterscotch pudding, another favorite. Only to be repaid by all of my coffee being dumped down the drain. The WHOLE POT was wasted!!! All because they wanted hot water to make hot chocolate with. I almost hit him with the bacon that time.

Then when he was making the bacon a few mornings after that, he goes to save the bacon grease in a COFFEE MUG!! We have only 4 coffee mugs....and he puts the bacon grease in one of them. Forget the fact that, you know, we have like ten million tupperware containers sitting right underneath him.

Not only does he throw out my coffee, now he wants to make my coffee taste like BACON!! Oh heck no, not happening!

And then there is the little things...like finding the measuring cups with the spices instead of in a cabinet, or asking for a roll of paper towels and he just wanders around because I had put them away. Or the way that he doesn't eat the pineapple off of the peel because there are "pokey" things on the other side. Or how he washes dishes with the water running so there is no hot water to rinse with...

Men are confusing. I literally don't understand them 90% of the time. I just sit there and go, umm, why are you doing that? How is that logical?

But then there are the times that he thinks ahead and surprises me.

Like making me breakfast in bed after a fight the night before. Or how he got out of bed to do the dishes because he was leaving the next day and didn't want me to get overwhelmed. Or the time that he bought me ice cream in my favorite flavor and even bought an ice cream scoop to use!

All in all, this has been a crazy month. Lots of learning to communicate. And learning to control the urge to smack him with bacon. Or a frying pan. Or just in general.

Learning how to let someone take care of me. And learning to not stress about the money. Learning to shop with a compulsive buyer without getting annoyed. Learning how to build him up and make him feel like the best husband in the world. Because he truly is. The love that he gives to me even after I am annoyed and mad all day, the tender care he shows to me...all makes my heart melt. The way he takes care of me, the way that he loves me unconditionally and refuses to even think about leaving. The way that he quiets my fears and puts my heart at ease...

I couldn't ask for better.

This is a hard life. Not for the weak of heart.

But it is a good and satisfying life. It is a life that I absolutely love living.

For the first time, I love my life with a greater passion than I have ever felt.

So here is to our first crazy hectic month, and here is to many more. I love you babe!

Love, Mrs. K

Messy marriage...

I wrote this during our first week of marriage but we didn't have internet to post it....so here you go!

So being married is hard.

Haha you expected that right? I expected it to be super hard.

I mean come on, you are trying to live with someone you just said you loved like a week ago. You promised until death do us part…and then you want to make their death come sooner than planned because they just dumped their wallet in the middle of the bedroom floor. Come on! Can’t you see that I am trying to make this room clean?

And then it makes you even crazier when the other people in your apartment are super loud and play their music at 11 at night!! I am trying to sleep here ya retards!!!

And then do you like the same foods? Are you going to be able to handle the fact that you can’t make stuffed bell peppers cause they don’t like bell peppers? Or maybe you are going to break into an argument in the middle of the store because he wants to buy a navy blue rug for your black colored bathroom. Maybe you will get stressed about money and flip out on him for buying something that you don’t see as completely necessary. Maybe you will realize that you can’t communicate to save your life and lock yourself in the bathroom because you were going to blow up if you don’t get some space. Maybe you will put on something sexy and walk in to find your lover asleep and your heart will break a little inside, despite the fact that you have both been up since 5am and been on a plane all day long.

But maybe your love will wake up and follow you to the porch that you went to sit and cry on. Maybe he will hold you and cry with you about how much you miss your family. Maybe he will force you to talk to him even though you have shut down completely. Maybe he will lead you into your completely bare living room and he will ask you to dance with him (even though he can’t dance to save his life).

I am tired of being underneath this blanket of what I have to be and what I have to feel. I am tired of thinking that I have to be perfect. I am tired of feeling like I have to have the perfect relationship and that everyone has to approve of everything that we do. I am tired of feeling like I have to be a certain person to be loved… If you feel like you can judge me based on my struggle, then let me tell you, I don't give a crap. Judge away but the best things in life require hard work and dedication.

I realized that I don’t even know what I want sometimes. I was picking out Christmas towels yesterday and I literally could not pick one. Not cause I wanted them all, just cause I didn’t know what I wanted. I avoided the Santa ones because my family doesn’t really include Santa in their celebrations. Then I realized that I lived alone now so I could get the Santa one if I wanted to, I could make my own choice. But I didn’t like the Santa one. So I found an owl one, it was cute but didn’t match our kitchen colors. So I went with the snowman one because it went with our kitchen colors the best. It was what I “should have picked.” UGH!

Then I woke up today and realized that I didn’t want to get out of bed. And I didn’t have to. Except that I had to get shopping done and clean the apartment. And I didn’t want to get pulled into a depression so I got up and went out and did things. I hate driving here, literally hate it. Shopping is even worse. So busy and I can’t find anything because Hawaiians couldn’t organize a store properly if they tried. I will NEVER again complain about a Walmart in Colorado again.

So anyways I start driving to this dollar store so I can try and find Tupperware and some other stuff. My GPS tells me the wrong street name so I turn and I shouldn’t have… So I am on the totally wrong highway, but oh well I will get there anyways…

As I am driving on this highway I start thinking about everything. My heart feels so heavy… I miss home, I miss Cody who has been gone for a while now. I start to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t even get to enjoy one week of being married before he had to leave. And now I am all alone in a place that I don’t even know. We live in a very busy part of town and I am not adjusting well to “city” life. I start thinking about how tonight is the Christmas party for the youth group, and how next week is Christmas. I feel so alone, so out of the loop. I don’t know where anything is, or what I should be doing, or how to not look like a tourist and fit in. I start to cry when I look up and realize that I am driving through the most breath taking valley I have ever seen. So full of tropical trees you can barely see that you are in a valley. And then the trees break and you see the glorious view. It literally took my breath away. I have not been in awe of something like that for a very long time.

And it was the most perfect reminder that the valley can be beautiful too. I don’t have to be on the mountain top to be beautiful. I don’t have to be the best wife, I don’t have to have anything together. I can be stunning in my valley. I can take people’s breath away right where I am at. I don’t need to be this beautiful beach or this great mountain top view or anything. I can be a valley and be just as breath taking.

I am beautiful right where I am. With my messy hair, messy heart, messy feelings, messy marriage, messy life. I am beautiful right here. Right where I am. God has a plan. He had a plan with my stupid GPS taking me that way, He had a plan to make me look out the window right when I did. He knew that I needed this to be my life. Without my life being messy, I wouldn’t need Him. The second that I think I have it together I will forget my God. I need Him. I can’t make this marriage work without him. I can’t make this move work without him. I can’t make anything work without Him. I can’t stay out of depression without him. I need Him more than I need my next breath. I need to feel Him next to me and the only way that happens is if my heart is open to Him.

Best way to have an open heart towards God is to have a broken heart. Broken hearts are all sorts of open to Him.

So here is to my messy wonderful marriage! Bring it on world!

Everyone has all the same things to say...

Awww... Internet again! Finally.... Which means that I can blog again!! I haven't been able to blog for a month now due to no internet, and I have been dying!

So this is kind of cliche...blogging about the new year. It is like blogging about Thanksgiving. Everyone has all same things to say.

Here are the ten steps to make your new resolutions and stick to them.

How to make this next year your best one yet.

Tomorrow is a blank book of 365 pages, write well.
2015 holds prosperity and wealth.

When life hands you lemons, there is always a new year.

All they are saying is pretty much, hey this last year sucked and so this next one will be better.

But how long does that hype last? Until something goes wrong and your new and better year turns into hoping for a better time next year? Until you forget about your resolutions and suddenly become guilty every time you drive by your gym with your fast food still in your mouth? Or does your year only become awful after you get to the end and realize that you are no different than you were last year? All the changes you vowed to make in your life, all the goals you set, are they even existent by the time you reach December 31st?

I have always dreaded the new year. I will never get my old years back, I will never live in 1999, 2005, or 2014 again. I will never have the chance to go back. Did I make this year good enough for me? I spend the last week of the year fretting and beating myself up for everything that I did or didn't do during the year.

Well this year happens to be different. I didn't make resolutions, knowing I would just break them. I didn't set any lofty goals for myself, I didn't run out and get a gym membership. I didn't start a diet plan or a devotional book. I didn't vow to read my Bible everyday or pray for an hour every morning.

I simply was.

I was whatever I wanted and needed to be.

If I needed to be sad, I was sad.

If I needed to be angry, I let myself be angry.

If I wanted to hate someone, I let myself.

If I wanted to forgive, I did.
If I wanted to be happy and cheerful, I was happy and cheerful.

I didn't force myself into being anything other than what I wanted to be. I didn't put a box around myself. I didn't cage my heart. I didn't chain myself to the ground with who I thought that everyone else expected me to be.

The new year kind of snuck up on me this time around. Partly because I can't keep the dates straight to save my life... And partly because I wasn't looking for it.

I was just being.

No stress, no regret, no feeling of dread... Just contentment.

You see for once I didn't feel like I had to accomplish impossible feats to make my life beautiful. I didn't set goals that were so unrealistic that I would guilt myself after I didn't meet them.

And I did so much this year...

I traveled to another country and found our that I remember more Spanish than I give myself credit for.

I found out who my real friends were and kindly left the others by the wayside.

I learned to let go of pain.

I learned how to make fun of my ex's and laugh at horrible jokes.

I learned that my path in life needs to include writing.

I learned that I am free when I am honest.

I learned that struggle is far more beautiful for people to watch than faked perfection.

I learned how to trust God when the situations were impossible.

I learned that I could love deeper than I thought possible.
I learned that no matter how I felt, I was always strong enough to continue on.

I learned what oceans deep love really meant.

I learned how to check my email constantly and quiet my sorrow when I didn't hear from my love.

I learned how to let go of what people thought.
I learned how to be myself.
I learned that I might be an awful person some times, I might think awful things about people.
I also learned that those people probably deserve it.
I learned to not apologize for my feelings because they are valid and important.
I learned that money goes a lot further than you think it would.
I learned that if you let go of what you expect something to be like, you will be happier with what it ends up being for you in the end.

And I am still learning.

That is the purpose of life. To learn and to grow. To find yourself more each year and enjoy the adventure of finding more. To never stop and think for one minute that you are who you should be for the rest of your life. To let go of the box that everyone will try to put around you. To stop apologizing for who you are. If you don't like something about yourself, change it but never apologize. You are who you are in this very moment for a reason.

So live it up. Live your life without thinking about resolutions and goals so impossible that you will never reach them. Just be yourself. And if you want, be a better version of yourself. But just be. Simple resolution. Be who you are without apology and without regret. That alone will free your soul and give your wings room to stretch. Maybe by the end of next year your wings will be strong enough to fly...

Love,
Mrs. K.

(Just a little picture of me enjoying the beach for you to be jealous about.)