Why I put on makeup at 10pm to clean my house...

Here it is, holiday weekend... And all I can think about is, #$*( I hate holidays!! Traffic sucks... I don't wanna do anything cause there are like ten million other people that are gonna have the same idea as me... And did I mention traffic?? On top of the fact that I used to celebrate with my family and that is just super depressing honestly.

I get home at 9:30pm, to a messy house. Great way to kick off the weekend right?

Now when I say messy, I mean that I have three bags of fast food trash on my floor, two eaten off of plates of food, about four different crochet projects going on the floor, along with about 35 different balls of yarn in the mix, my mail from the last week and a half, opened and flown everywhere... I have clothes that I need to wash laying around the washer and spilling into the doorway and the kitchen... I have half my closet laying on the floor of my bedroom, and all my makeup is flown across the bathroom with a huge fan on the floor cause it was SO hot the other day I was trying to actually get ready. Oh yeah, and don't forget all the shopping that I have done in the last week...all that is all over the floor as well... And don't even bring up all my online purchases that I also laying around. Yeah... It is bad. And I need to clean it.

But I just look at it and get soooooo overwhelmed... This is like a week of mess...and it is this bad?? How are you such a mess?? If hubby was home it wouldn't look like this? Get your life together. You think this is how you should be doing right now??

.........My mind is my biggest road block for keeping my life on track...

Do you ever feel that way? That if you could just stop beating yourself up for something for like 10 minutes you could probably actually make progress in that area? If you could just feel good in your skin for a week you could actually eat healthy and work out? That if you stopped thinking that you were doing poorly you could have more energy to do better??

Me. Everyday.

So after 30 minutes of sitting on the floor avoiding cleaning... I decided to make a crazy decision...

I put on some sexy music. You know the kind that you can dance to and shake your booty to, the songs that make you feel like you are the sexiest thing on the planet? That good stuff. As loud as I could get away with at 10pm...

And then I put on makeup. Whatever colors I wanted... What would make me feel sexy? That is what I put on... Gold. And pink. Even though I don't wear that stuff on a normal day... Or any makeup for that matter... But I wanted to <<< feel >>> sexy.

Why?

Because self health starts with self.

It starts with  looking in the mirror and learning to love yourself.

Even if your house is still a mess. Even if you are still a mess.

Love where you are at... And if it takes putting on a bit of crazy makeup at 10pm...do it. Right now.

If it takes dancing to some sexy music all by yourself, then do that.

If it takes wearing a dress to work, or school, or the grocery store, do that.

If it takes reading a book for ten minutes, do that.

You feel better after a bubble bath? Take one.

Take care of yourself... The rest of your life will follow.

Body positive starts with your thoughts.

You have to think you are beautiful.

And guess what, my house is gonna get cleaned tonight. Because I feel better about myself. Because I can feel sexy dancing to my music sweeping my house and doing the laundry. 

Because I took care of myself, my self-image, I can better take care of my house, my life, my problems.

#BodyPositive #LoveYourself

It's happening again...

The darkness.

It is coming.

I hate that I spend all my time running from everything and then boom. I run right back into it.

The darkness comes when you least expect it. It creeps in and then suddenly you are covered again.

I just keep telling myself that it isn't as bad as last time.....yet.... I am still getting out of bed...

It might be at 11am again.... But at least I am getting out of bed.

See, depression is a balancing act.

It is a fine line between being proud of yourself for the small things and yet finding energy to push yourself further up.

I know that I can't stay here. I know that I have to fight to be better... I know I need to wake up and get out of the house and move around and be active. I know these things. And sometimes knowing them makes me hate myself.

I know what I have to do, but I still don't do it. I still don't get out of bed early. I still don't eat the right foods, I still don't leave the house.

I know what I should do to avoid falling in the hole again... But the darkness drains my energy.

And sleeping is the best way to forget that I miss my husband. Or that I haven't spoken to him in over a month... Or that I am completely alone on this dumb stupid rock of an island. Or that we are having car problems and I don't know what to do because my husband is gone and they are way too big of decisions to make without him. I just want to pretend that none of it exists.

So I sleep. And watch tv. And crochet. And order pizza.

Totally normal reaction to all the crap around me.

Except for me.

These are my bad reactions. These are my warning signs. These are things that I avoid...

But I don't have energy to fight the darkness right now. I just don't.

And to be honest, that scares me.

I don't want to be where I was again. I don't want to be so paralyzed by this disease that I cannot do anything.

It is hard not to hate yourself for feeling this way. It is hard not to feel like a failure.

And I cannot let myself feel like a failure. Because when I feel like a failure, that is when the darkness takes over.

So I am praising myself for the small things... Like taking a shower, or a romantic bath, or feeding myself more than once a day, or texting someone back, or getting out of bed...

I have to be proud of the small things.

And I have to remember that I am not fighting myself.

This is a disease.

It is not something that I caused. It is not something that I control. It is not something that I can just make stop.

It is a disease. There is something wrong in my brain.

This is not a choice I made.

This is a disease.

I am fighting a disease.

Love, Kiki

Grace like a wave...

Grace comes like a wave / crashing over me / 
grace comes like a wave / crashing over and over and over.....

Grace Like a Wave ~by Elevation Worship.

As I am in the car this week I start listening to this song because it was on my most suggestions list on Spotify... And my first thought is... Do they really know what it is like for a wave to keep crashing into you??

Living in Hawaii has given me a unique opportunity to experience waves like you have never seen before. I can't find a video on YouTube to show exactly how bad the waves can get, but this one comes pretty close...

As you can tell....The waves don't quit. And you get knocked out really fast if a wave hits you wrong. You are flat on your backside, drowning in water with sand literally everywhere. The first time it happened to me that a wave hit me that hard, it flipped me over about 3 times, each time bashing my head into the sand. You can think of nothing other than trying to figure out how to reach oxygen again and which way is up. And if you don't get your footing quick another wave will be right behind it waiting to swallow you again. You are literally overwhelmed with the wave, you can think of nothing else... They are paralyzing.

Can you imagine being stuck in a loop of waves, unable to think of anything else but wave after wave, sand and water and sky all rolled into one?

Grace.

Like a wave...

If you have ever been caught in a wave like I am describing you will have an memory of what it is like...

Now imagine if that is how you viewed grace...

Over and over and over again, smashing into with so much force it swept you off your feet, flung you head over heels multiple times, and took every bit of thought of anything else.

Grace. That just keeps coming. Whether you ask it to or not.

Grace. That is so paralyzing, nothing else in the universe matters.

Let me tell you why the thought of grace is so hard for me.

Perfectionism.

The end. That is all I have to say. I am a perfectionist. Everything about me has to be done right and with the exact amount of precision and finesse. I must be perfect in all things at all times without fail.

Now let me tell you why that is impossible.

Depression.

I cannot be perfect when I am struggling with depression.

Yes, thanks to medication, the sun is shining again. But I still have bad days.

Days that still consist of me laying on the couch and sleeping almost all day cause I am tired and life sucks. Days that have no light and no matter what I do, the room is still foggy. Days that feelings of hopelessness creep in and I am left with the thought, "I am completely useless to this world, I should just rid it of myself." Thoughts that are so dark that I cannot share them because I will scare everyone away. There are days where the darkness still steals everything from me and I cannot cope.

I was having one of those days when I was listening to this song.

I had great plans to get so much done, and I literally did not get any of it done.

Depression steals the motivation and ability to be perfect. You cannot be perfect when your life is a disaster zone waiting to happen 24/7.

Imagine with me a small apartment, when you first walk in you see a table and beyond that a couch with a sliding door behind it that lets in a beautiful view of Hawaii and lots of sun light. Now imagine that you walk into that apartment everyday to it being clean and beautiful and full of joy. And every day you find your wife on the couch or in the kitchen...

Then imagine one day the curtain is closed and the room and the house is dark. You have bags upon bags upon bags of fast food laying on the floor...you don't find your wife in any room of the house... So you check the dark bedroom...

You find her laying there, in the clothes you left her in that morning, not showered, barely waking up at 5pm...

Imagine you have to coax her to the bathroom, help her into the shower, wash her hair, help her put clean clothes on (ones you will find her in again tomorrow...), and then help her to the couch where you have another bag of fast food waiting for her because you are tired after work and taking care of her and don't have the energy to cook for both of you. You know that this is the first and only time she will eat today. You cuddle up with her even though she can barely respond to your touch, and play a show on Netflix. And then you fall asleep and do it all again the next day, praying as you kiss her goodbye that your wife doesn't have an episode while you are at work and you come home to a dead wife.

Imagine if that was your life day in and day out for months on end...

I don't really remember how long it was that bad... The days are too blurry...

But if that was your life, your wife, your marriage... What would you do?

Would you still bring her home flowers? Would you still want to do special things for her? Would you still have the love for her that you used to have?

Or would you yell and scream and demand she get up and clean the house? Would you lose patience with her awful stench every time you came home from work? Would you require dinner be on the table and she be waiting with a kiss?

Can you imagine the sadness that you would feel, every single day that you walked in and saw your wife in bed? Could you imagine the fear that would grip your heart hoping she is still alive because you don't hear anything? Can you feel the hopelessness you would feel if that was you knowing that you could do nothing to help?

And imagine doing it, day after day after day.....after day....

And never saying anything to shame your wife. Never complaining about doing your own laundry. Never complaining about the messy state of your house. Never saying anything about how gross her hair looked or how you were tired of doing everything for her.

Having so much love, each and every day, that you would walk in with a new kiss and complete devotion for the woman who could give you nothing in return.

I imagine that is what God's grace is like. Each and every day He walks into our life and sees us in the same mess, and He picks us up, cleans us off, feeds us, and makes sure we have a fresh start for tomorrow.

He walks in every single day, and I am sure that His heart breaks that I haven't made any progress in my life, that I seem to be in the same place He left me last, a little more stinky and a lot more beaten down.

And everyday He greets us with a kiss and more grace and says, "It is okay. I've got this."

Grace. Like a wave...

Over and over and over and over and over...

I have experienced this in human form... I can only imagine the magnitude of God's grace is like...

Never screaming, always patient, always wanting the best for us but never leaving us if we just can't make it there today.

May grace like a wave crash over you today, remembering that God will always come home. And no matter if you are cooking dinner in the kitchen with a clean house or still stuck in the bedroom with the lights off and your pajamas still on... He still loves you.

Love, Kiki