I haven't been on here as much lately, because quite honestly, I barely make it out of bed.
I barely get up each day and feed myself. I barely do the simple tasks that are required to continue living. I can barely function. Tasks that would normally take me 2 minutes take me two hours.
And yet, I get up, I go to work, I laugh, I joke, I hang out with friends, I am happy and cheerful and fun.
From the outside, you would never know anything was wrong. You would never know that I have fallen into my ever present, ever looming, pit of despair. You would never know that once again, here I am, unable to cope, surrounded by darkness and fear.
You see, I *barely* do things. It takes an extreme amount of effort to do every task that is put in front of me. It is beyond exhausting to walk to the mail box. I can barely make dinner because that requires me to stand and think about how to cook and then I have to wash dishes. I order an extra large pizza twice in a row from Papa Johns because then I have something to eat for the week. I do the bare minimum required to function.
But if you ask me to go anywhere with you, I will shower and get dressed and look nice. I will show up with a smile, I will laugh with you, I will talk about everything. Then I will go home, and get into bed with those same clothes on and lay there watching tv until my brain decides to shut down. I will wake up the next day, lay in bed for an hour or two, go back to sleep for a couple more hours, and then I will get up, barely make it through my shower, barely get my to-do list for the day done, go to work and work for hours until I have nothing else to do, go home, and crawl into bed...to not sleep for like 4 hours to finally fall asleep to do it all over again.
You see I am functioning.
But barely.
And the barely makes me invisible. The barely makes me feel like it isn't that bad yet.
Yet.
What a scary word.
You see when you have walked down the same path over and over again, you start to notice the trends. You start to notice things like you don't actually see the sunset, you don't find things truly funny, smiling is a chore. You start to notice patterns. And you start to notice how everything starts.
See I am a high-functioning depressionist. Yes, I just made that word up.
I function at very high levels while also being at my very lowest.
It is what enabled me to hide my darkness from everyone in my life for years and years. I cannot tell you the amount of times that I heard, "What? YOU? You have depression? I would never have thought that."
There lies the danger. The danger in hiding.
Hiding from the world that the darkness is strangling you and you cannot breathe. Hiding from the world that there is a hole in you that you that you cannot mend. Hiding from those who love you that you need them.
It is how the, "I never thought he would take his life, I don't know why it happened," comments are made.
Because people like me, we function so well that people don't worry.
We are okay on the outside, so people forget to check in on us.
We can go to work and show up to gatherings and do everyday things, so we get missed.
And sometimes we miss it ourselves.
I still remember the day a few years ago that my aunt pointed it out to me. I remember sitting in her apartment in a huge sweatshirt, tired out of my mind, just got done with a 40 hour work week...but thinking that I was doing good. I was better than I was before. I wasn't crying every single night anymore, I thought I was doing great because I was functioning. But she said this to me...
"You don't look like you are doing good. You need to start taking better care of yourself. I can tell you aren't doing good right now. Are you sure you are okay?"
I remember thinking for a minute and then finding tears streaming down my face. She was right. I wasn't okay. I was better than I had been before, but I was not good. I was not okay. I was not on a healthy path. She noticed my pattern, and helped me to see it.
That night is still embedded in my mind.
I can see my own patterns now. And I have been reaching out for help this time! I have been telling people, hey I need you, I haven't left my house for anything but work in a week. Hey can you check in on me in the morning because I am not doing good tonight. Hey I need to you help me find a solution for certain things before Cody gets home. And sometimes I don't get the response that I need from people. And that is okay. Because this isn't easy. I know that it isn't. It isn't easy to be on the other end of it. And that is fine. I am not letting that burden me. I am not letting that make me back away from reaching out to someone else.
And sending those messages, is really hard for me. Sending a message, hey I can't get out of bed because the world is too heavy today, is a really crappy feeling. You feel weak. You feel broken. You feel needy and annoying.
Asking for help makes me feel selfish.
But I know that I am about to hit the next stage in my pattern which is total shut down. If I don't ask for help, I am not going to be able to function anymore.
My next stop on this train is not eating and dropping down to 100lbs again. My next stop is staying in the house for three weeks straight, barely getting out of bed except to use the bathroom once or twice a day. My next stop on this train...is a total wreck. And the only thing that kept me alive last time was my husband being home to feed me, and help me shower, and help me to the couch, and clean the house, and take out the trash.
That isn't an option this time. I cannot stop at the next stop. If I stop there this time, I will be alone. I will not have a husband home to help take care of me. I will be 100% alone for most of next year.
I have to change my pattern.
I have to ask for help.
I have to reach out.
Because I do not want to stop at the next stop. I don't want to go there again. So I have to change my path.
So maybe for a bit I have to be a bit selfish. Maybe I have to actually take from people instead of always being the giver. And I hope that I can find the balance in giving and learning to take as well. Because I need help this time and I know that I have to reach out.
And thank you to those who are there and have been there and understand. Thank you to those who know when I am losing it a bit and need help. Thank you to those who have shown up at my house and helped me leave it. Thank you to those who have texted and called and skyped... You are appreciated and you are my life support. I am forever in your debt, thank you for caring.
