How do I do this?

The wedding is two weeks away...

...and I am a wreck.

Today is my last day at work and honestly I don't know if I can do this.

Today as I was hugging a coworker goodbye, I started crying...and she told me to stop cause she would see me at my wedding, that it wasn't goodbye yet.

But what happens when it is goodbye for good?

How do I move on from there?

To be honest, I am terrified. Terrified that I will be forgotten because people have busy lives and if you aren't apart of them everyday, you can get left on the side of the highway.

People move on. The holes that you leave behind have to be filled. No one can keep a place for you forever.

And I am not moving back to Colorado.

I am going to be that person who moved away and made new friends, and then moved again and did it all over again...and again...and again....

This is the life I signed up for..

But it doesn't make goodbye any easier.

I am sitting at my desk crying my eyes out.

I have never worked anywhere else but this campus. I love it hear. I love the people, I love the atmosphere.

Yes, I am so ready to be done working here, but I am also excited to start somewhere new.

I try to be positive and look at the bright side...but today there is no sunshine. There is only goodbyes.

And I hate goodbyes.

I hate the finality of saying goodbye. I hate the word. I am not good with my words when it comes to my final things to say to someone.

I am a wreck.

And I still have two weeks.

What if people forget me? What if we don't keep in touch? What if I lose everyone that I am close to?

Long distance relationships are hard and I don't know if people are going to have the time to keep up with the work they create.

And honestly, it scares every inch of my being.

Anyone who says that I shouldn't be doing this because I am scared and cry all the time though needs to shove it up their butt. Cause I can't handle that kind of stupidity right now.

You see, once upon a time, there was this scared girl who decided that following God was better than letting fear get to her so she stepped out and did something that scared her. Guess what? It ended up being the best thing that she did in her entire life!! That was a few years ago when I went to Haiti. Conquering my fear was the best thing that I ever did.

So I will do it again.

Watch me fly.

Love, Almost A Bride

Looking back...

Found this and I felt like sharing it...

I am more.

I am more than what I know.

I am more than what I wear.

I am more than a picture.

I am more than my hair.

I am not a sexy body

Or a perfect, beautiful smile.

There is more underneath

If only you would walk a mile.

I am scarred.

I am broken.

But that doesn’t mean

I won’t be outspoken.

I am strong and beautiful.

You are not going to break me.

I am more than the pressure

That is put on me.

I am more than the outside.

I am deep and growing deeper.

You don’t see beneath my shell.

You are content to be a sleeper.

You want in my bed.

You are a sleeper.

Treatin’ me like a toy,

Could you price me any cheaper?

I am not a doll.

You can’t throw me around.

I am more than the others.

I must astound.

I am more than your hun and babe

Those words hold meaning.

Your ways of fooling around

Are more than demeaning.

Don’t think I am flattered

By your eyes looking me up and down

I am more than sex

Can’t you see my crown?

I am more than you think.

I am more than short skirts

And booty shorts.

I don’t appreciate the perverts.

I respect myself,

I refuse to flaunt.

Cause you see, your dreams

I refuse to haunt.

I am more than you think.

You won’t notice me.

I will hide until I am found.

I won’t be one in another three.

I am more than you think.

I am more than you see.

I am far above the fleas.

Please value me.

 Love, Almost A Bride

Monster on the other side...

Wedding is about two weeks away...

And I have lost my sanity...

I seriously haven't been able to even write. I start a post and then it doesn't make any sense at all and I can't stand it. Or I feel like I am just complaining and whining....

And honestly, I may be stressed, but I have no reason to complain!!

But today I was sending an email to my future husband (I love saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I said something to him that completely struck a blog post nerve. So here it goes, hopefully I can make this make sense.

Lately I have been feeling like a lot of my life has come to a close. Every time I do something, I am reminded that it might be the last time that I do that something with that person again for a really long while. I am going to be losing everything that I hold dear very soon and that scares me. It is scary to countdown all the days that you have until you leave a place that you have called home for your entire life.

Last weekend I read a post about what to do when your best friend is moving away... And it said something in there that I didn't like. It said talk about it. Talk about the fact that everything is changing. Talk about the fact that you don't have much time left. Confront it and talk it through.

UGH!! I would much rather pretend that it isn't happening. I would much rather pretend that I am not leaving everything behind, that I won't be around for everything. I hate thinking about the fact that I am not going to see my sister play a basketball game, or the fact that I won't get to see my brother's first girlfriend. I won't be around when Dee picks out a college. I am leaving them behind for a brand new life.

And yeah sure there is Skype and phone calls and texting...But that isn't a hug when they are crying. That isn't a way to pester them for information on their love life like every older sister has a right to do. There is no way to be their protective older sister, when I am an ocean away...

And that bothers me. A lot.

Everything is coming to a close. I am leaving my job, leaving my church, leaving my friends, leaving everything. I am closing doors left and right. I am packing things into suitcases and preparing to completely close the door to my life in Colorado.

You know what the most scary part of that is? Opening the next door. Stepping into a new life, a new place, a new house.

I don't know what is behind that door. I don't know if I will open the door to find a huge scary monster that is going to eat me alive. I don't know if I will open that door to find out that I am in the sky with no way down. I don't know if I will open that door to a big black hole.

And when I open that door, there is no closing it and going back to the other one. At that point I will have to face whatever is on the other side. Whether it eats me or not.

I may have to skydive out of a door to reach the earth again. (I said that is one thing that I will never ever in my life do...) I may have to fight off a monster. I may have to fall down a big black until I reach Wonderland.

But you know what came to my mind today? I am not the one opening the door.

I am not the one who is going to push the door open.

God is the one opening the doors. He is going to pick which door is right to open.

And....

He already knows what is behind that door.

I may not know what the next door hides behind it, but God does. God is opening it, I just have to walk through it. And I know that whatever is on the other side of the door, is what He wants me to deal with.

Who knows, He might surprise me with a beautiful land filled of tropical flowers and oceans and tans. ;)

Love, A No Longer Terrified Almost Bride

Choosing to say, "Screw you..."

Hello lovely world!

Today is Monday.

Crap.

I hate Mondays.

But I have 9 days left at my job and only one more Monday after today. I can do this right?

Lately I have been really stressed out.

I put in my two weeks notice at work the day that I got the estimate for the repairs on my car....which is going to cost $2900. Yikes.

Then the whole needing to get every single person and their dog details...
And about a million and ten details that go into planning a wedding that have me totally and completely brain dead and annoyed at everyone.

In less than a month I will be tying the knot, getting hitched, and marrying the man of my dreams.
And I am SO tired of hearing that I am the wrong woman for him.
I am so ridiculously tired of it.

I HATE DRAMA!
I hate fake people.
I hate games.
I hate that people think they can say things about me behind my back and that I will just accept their "love" to my face.
I hate that people think that they have any right to say anything about my relationship.
I hate people judging me even though they don't even know me.
I hate people acting like middle schoolers.
I hate manipulation.
I hate when people think that I won't make it turn around and bite them in the butt.

Karma is a nasty woman.
And she is my best friend.
And sometimes I think that Karma is my middle name.

I also hate that my joy gets stolen because of people's stupidity.
I hate that I allow them the place in my life to affect me.
I hate that I spend even a second breath of mine talking about them.
They aren't worth it.

So I am making a choice.

I am choosing that my wedding day is Cody and I's day.
No one else's.
No one else has a say on what goes on.
No one has a say in our marriage.
No one has a say in anything.

I choose to say, "Screw you. You aren't even worth my time."

And honestly, those that are running their mouths for God and everyone to hear, don't know Cody and I at all. If you claim to know us or love us and yet you are tearing us apart and trying to bring us down, you don't really know us at all. Those who are truly in our lives are thrilled and happy for us. They see our love that has withstood a million different obstacles and has come out stronger. They have watched us rise from the ashes and build a beautiful life for ourselves.

So to all the haters, I say, keep on hating. I will just give you more and more reason to hate me.

Nicole once said to me, "Something is not right if it doesn't come into opposition."

My joy is here to stay. Our love is here to stay.

There is no separating what God has brought together.
And the more battles that we fight together gives us more glue that holds us together.
We are learning to do this life together. To stand up against all odds and prove the world wrong. We are learning to bring everything to each other.

So please know that if you say something to Cody, I will know about it. If you say something to me, Cody will know about it.
We are learning to stand together, hand in hand. And the more that is thrown at us just strengthens that grip.

So if you want to break us apart, I suggest that you just stop trying. You are only bringing us together.

Again I say, "Screw you. I will be happy on my wedding day and every day after!"

Love, Almost A Bride Who Is Sick Of Drama

Since I was 16....

Day something:

Today I am slightly terrified. 

I put in my two weeks notice at work.

Since the summer I turned 16, I have been working. This will be the first time in four years that I don't have a job.

No job. No plan. Just faith.

Faith enough to move across the ocean.

Faith enough to leave everything behind.

And faith is scary. It is like taking a leap off a building and praying that Superman comes in and catches you before you hit the ground.

Faith is trusting God even if you don't have money.

Thinking about the fact that I won't have a job, but will still have car payments, insurance payments, etc.....makes my stomach feel like it is going to lose what little I was able to eat for lunch.

I am scared. Absolutely, positively scared out of my mind.

There is a lot to deal with.

But I have to make a choice.

Will I let fear hold me back from making the best decision of my life, or will I jump knowing that God has provided in the past and will provide in the future? Will I stand in the water and walk towards Jesus, or will I look at the waves and fear for my life?

I'll let you know when I finally learn to trust God.

Might be my last sentence on this earth though...

Love, Almost A Bride

Brain mush...

My brain is officially fried.

Literally you could make scrambled eggs from the mush that it is supposed to think for me.

But they would probably taste like broken bits of thoughts and forgotten tasks.

Yeah so if I talk to you about doing something, please remind me. I always forget things. Always.

Some people talk about pregnancy brain... Well I am calling mine "wedding brain."

Yeah yippee, I can't think straight enough to keep a thought going for longer than a few minutes.

I wish that someone could take my brain and make a list of everything that is inside of it for me.

I tried...it was really long and I don't feel like I covered everything.

I really really really wish this headache would go away. I hope that I can get some really good rest tonight and maybe wake up feeling refreshed without anything on my brain...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA................

I crack myself up sometimes!

Seriously I should be a comedian ;)

I have so much in my brain right now I could power a atomic bomb. Or so it feels like.

I have less than a month before I am married...

Less than a month to plan and get everything together that needs to happen.

Less than a month to finish packing all my crap and move.

Less than a month...

I am gonna vomit.

Seriously, you better watch out.

Stressed? Yup. Do I remember half the time that I am stressed? Nope.

But even in the stress and the overwhelming amount of information in my brain...

I am extremely blessed.

I have great bridemaids and wonderful friends who love and support me. I have a wonderful set of parents who love me and have such a vital part of this entire thing.

And most importantly, I have a man who so deeply loves me and cares for me. I have a man who treasures my heart and soul. A man who would protect me from anything and everything. I know that I miss him and honestly doing all this without him is difficult and annoying. I don't like being alone with only email to talk to him with. But even in his emails, he is the sweet man I know. I am blessed to have him in my life!

So thank you to everyone who has been there for me. Who has put up with my wedding brain, who has loved me despite everything.

Thank you all for your love and support!

XOXO,

Almost A Bride

Truly blessed...

Day 6:

Today I am much better than I was yesterday. I slept like a dead woman last night and literally couldn't remember who I was when I woke up this morning. It was a much needed rest to gain perspective!

And it definitely was a blessing that I was able to wake up to a message from a dear friend of mine, offering me the use of her vehicle. I can't tell you how much I appreciated that.

God sends us beautiful angels to shine light into our darkest moments.

Everything stands against me and God stands behind me. Always.

I can't tell you how much I stand in amazement at how much God always provides. Through everything, God has been right there to care for and love us.

Through battles upon battles, God has fought for us. Through providing dates for us, to working all even the smallest details...

If God is for you, nothing can stand in your way.

So thank is my short note for today... I am a little tired from this week's craziness.

So signing off for tonight!

Love, Almost A Bride

When it rains...

This is a really sad post... I am sorry for the depressing material but I have just spent the last hour crying and can't bring myself to be fake and pretend to be happy.

I finally got to the point of trusting God, just going with the flow and letting God take care of everything.

And then today happened...

Started with a check engine light last night. Great.
So I called into work and then in the morning I called the mechanic. He couldn't get me in until the afternoon. So I laid around and watched some movies and snuggled with the dog... Get a call from the mechanic, you can come over now. Get there and I wait around for the diagnostic on the car...for almost 2.5 hours... Still no word. So I call him and he says, probably be another hour, which in mechanic language means two-three hours. So I call my mom to come rescue my frozen butt...

Get a call from the mechanic around 6:45... The repairs are going to cost thousands of dollars.

I. Don't. Have. Thousands. Of. Dollars.

I am trying to pay for a wedding and move in a month. That just isn't in the budget... And I need a car. For a month!!! This couldn't have happened in a month when I didn't need the stupid thing???

As I am on the phone with the mechanic trying not to completely lose it, God asks, "Do you trust me?"

My first thought, "Are you freaking kidding me right now????? You are seriously going to ask me that."

You see, my trust in Him lasts until I truly have no way of doing it on my own. Then my faith wavers. My faith is gone when I can't accomplish what is put in front of me.

I feel like I was doing really good and then the devil goes and throws my life off and screams at me, "So where is your god now??"

Why does he target me? Why does everything happen all at once??

I have been holding it together really well the past couple weeks, not stressed or overwhelmed just kind of riding with the flow...and then the tornado hit.

I broke into a million pieces... I lost it tonight.

My little baby sister was crying tonight and both Dee and I were able to crawl into bed and just be there for her. I don't know why she was crying, she will tell me on her own time. But I just laid there and started crying...

I am leaving.

Just let that sink in. I am moving away from my family. I won't be able to be there when my siblings are having a bad day and need some cuddle time. I won't be around for them when people break their hearts. I won't be able to comfort them and hold them while they cry.

I left her room and my heart fell apart. I can't stop crying even as I write this so please excuse the spelling or grammar errors, I really can't see the screen.

I was doing so well, and then my world crashed and I fell along with it.

I am strong. But once that strength is gone, I am completely undone.

I am grateful after everything happens, but during it I am so annoyed.

God knows exactly what I need. Not what I want. What I need.

I had become confident in my ability. I had become comfortable in knowing that I could do this. I got to a point that I thought I was okay and God fell into the background.

God doesn't want to be background noise. He wants to be a whisper in our ear. He wants to be that voice that is right next to us every step of the way.

And the only way I hear His voice is if my world has fallen apart and I am standing in the rubble. I can't hear his voice with everything going perfect. I am a total wreck right now. I have fallen apart.

Not only do I desperately need people, but I desperately need God. I have to reach out to people now because I don't have strength. I don't have what it takes...

God knows I will do this all on my own if given the choice. But He has forced me to the point that I need Him and the people He has given me. I love God, but I hate that I don't rely on Him unless He strips everything from my hands...

So here is my broken self. Here is the side of me that absolutely hates feeling like she is abandoning her siblings when they need her love the most. Here is the me that I can barely breathe from all the stress and sadness... Here is the me that wants to curl into a ball and rewind the world to when I was five and playing Polly Pockets with Dee...

I don't want this chapter in my life to be over. It hurts to turn the page...

God please tell me You have a plan for this pain cause if not, my heart is being crushed for no reason.

Love, Almost A Bride

Wonder Bridesmaid....

Day 4: Birthday time!!!

So today is one of my beautiful bridesmaid's birthdays!!

She has been incredible during this whole journey. Honestly, if I could sit down and tell you how many times I have emailed her freaking out about this, that, and whatever...you would fall asleep. 

I am going to miss her. What am I going to do when I am in Hawaii and she is here? I am trying to convince her to move with me. ;)

When brides pick their bridesmaids for a wedding, there are some who take forever to choose. There are so many things to consider and weigh. It can take time.

Not for me.

I knew before I was even engaged who my bridesmaids were going to be.

And let me tell you, I picked right!!

I picked women who were going to have my back 100%, who were going to support me in everything, who wouldn't talk about me behind my back, who would keep my drama to themselves, who would be there when I needed a midnight phone call, who would make sure that nothing ruined my day for me, who would take care of anything that fell apart on my wedding day without stressing me.

But most importantly I knew I would need women who were willing to help me take care of myself that day.

And I got three of the best.

I have the most humble, selfless, caring, excited bridesmaids in the world. They have been there to calm me down, pick me up, hold me together, and they haven't even had to help me pee with my dress on yet!!

How did I get so blessed??

My other two bridesmaids are wonderful and I will write a post about them on another day but today is my day to write about Faith!

I told her that I was going to need a body guard on my wedding day and she volunteered so quickly! She told me she would try to keep her "Latina" mouth in check but she wasn't making any promises... I told her if someone can't control what they say, you don't have to either, just make sure it doesn't get to me.

You see, we have a lot of people who are unhappy with this marriage. A lot of people who are going to try and say something nasty to us, people who are going to tell me that OUR wedding isn't what THEY want it to be... And I am not in the mood to try and pretend that I care. (Sorry not sorry...) I won't have the energy to be nice, so I know that she is going to have to take care of it before it even gets to me. And she will.

I trust her with my life.

She keeps my excitement up, she helps me see beyond the stress and overwhelming load that is on my plate. She is there to talk me out of being a selfish crazy bridezilla, talk me down from jumping into my red hot anger, and talk my crazy head back into the game.

She will also make me take care of myself, and take care of me for me. She will be my backbone. She will have the tissue to fix my makeup. She will have the spare change for some chocolate.

Bridesmaid? Try Wonder Woman.

I asked for her help getting music together....she shows up with a timeline of our wedding ceremony and a list of songs for each part of our ceremony.

I couldn't ask for better...

And I owe her big time!

There isn't enough money in the world to thank her for everything that she has done and will do for our big day!

Thank you Faith from the bottom of my heart!

Love, Almost A Bride

You win some and you lose some...

Day 3 in the world of almost a bride:

This morning I woke up really happy. And then that all went down the drain.

Got up, showered, actually got my hair to lay flat.

Left the house.

Sat in traffic behind two rigs.

Going to be late for work.

Accident.

Couldn't take my normal route.

Had to take the long way.

Construction.

Couldn't turn.

Had to take Colfax.

Ew.

Going to be super late.

Stopped and got everyone breakfast since I was already going to be late.

Got to work.

Argued with my boss.

Boss told me that something happened last night.

I was the only one working last night.

Said something did NOT happen last night.

Boss continued to argue.

Boss then sent me an email that said that said something was going to happen this afternoon.

Boss still thought I was stupid and he was right.

Boss apparently thinks that a ghost works here.

Guy who pissed me off by saying homeschoolers were stupid, psycho idiots, is now arguing about politics upstairs.

I can hear everything.

Dude that I don't get along with at work is out for the next couple weeks cause his wife is having a baby.

Happy dance for his absence.

Scared face for his children.

Anger because he hasn't done his work for the past week.

Have to do his work for the past week.

Really annoyed at him....

Customer on the phone asked if I was a computer.

Wouldn't stop telling me computer jokes.

Asked for a manager.

Three people yelled at me.

Called insurance company to switch card numbers.

Lady couldn't figure out that I was Chiarra not Eric.

Said four times that mine was the Cobalt.

Yes, 2008.

No, I do not drive a mini van.

No, my payments are made on the first.

Yes, not the tenth, the first.

Some jerk told me I was ugly when I didn't smile...

All because he didn't have a social security number and I wouldn't take his application.

You see, some days are good, and some days blow. Just because you are full of joy doesn't mean you are happy. Some days I just can't stand people and I have no patience.

Other days, I am nice as pie. My desire to be fake and pretend to like my job went out the window when I learned that I was moving away.

It is not a good place to be at, that is for sure. I am so done with working there...and I still have a month.

21 days actually!

Okay I can do this!! 21 days until this life draining place can no longer kill my soul.

Some days are great. Some days are not so great.

Today is a not so great day.

Today is a day that I am glad I only have 21 days left.

So today, there will be no wedding planning.

There will be a bubble bath and a good book.

You win some and you lose some.

Love,

Almost A Bride

That unspoken issue...

Welcome again to my world!

So yesterday I promised a post about Cody, but something happened last night that I would much rather talk about today.

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

So here is a dirty topic...

Birth control.

Why do I feel like a slut because I am on birth control?

Most people are gonna be mad that I used that word but honestly, that is how I feel.

I feel like a slut.

A virgin slut.

A virgin slut that is only on the stupid pill cause she is getting married.

What a coincidence.

I hated birth control when I first started it.

I went psycho crazy lady...

And honestly, I am surprised that Cody still loved me.

From my crying every single freaking day, to picking fights about nothing at all, to being so emotionally unstable that all it took was one thing to set me over the edge.

But now, I love it!!

I know when my cycle is coming, I don't feel as terrible when it does come, and now my emotions are on more stable ground.

I feel like Chiarra again! Finally!

But last night when I went to pick it up, I didn't like it at all.

You know what the guy said when he gave it to me?

Okay, looks like you are all set for tonight.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, JERK??

He PROBABLY didn't mean it like that...but, it didn't change how that made me feel.

Oh so you mean I am all set to sleep around tonight?

Dude, ring. On finger. Duh.

It wasn't what he said at all, it was just that I feel like that.

Like birth control is this nasty horrible thing.

And it isn't.

Why do we not talk about birth control at church?

Why is it such a taboo topic?

So pretty much this post is all about telling everything that I am on birth control to break that unseen barrier that I feel I am under.

And for some reason I feel like giggling.

There is a picture on my desk of Cody in uniform with his military stoic face and it makes me want to giggle.

I feel like he is sitting somewhere rolling his eyes at me for being so silly and caring about something so stupid.

And I also want to giggle thinking about making faces at him trying to get him to smile while taking that picture...

Anyways, random bunny trail there....

Thanks for letting me be honest!

Love, Almost A Bride

Did I mention EVERYTHING?!

Hello, my name is Almost A Bride. 

I look mentally unstable.

Welcome to my world!!

It is a fun world, full of flowers and dresses, dates and stresses. And an occasional unflattering picture to show that I am perfectly human!

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

Day One:

I have a month. A month. I almost just threw up 10 minutes ago thinking about the fact that in a month....I will be a Mrs. A MRS PEOPLE!!! Do you understand the significance of this fact? No longer a Hennigan. No longer Miss Chiarra. But most significantly... No longer a virgin.

Admit it, you were thinking it. I just had the courage to say it. I am going to give my virginity to my husband. Yippie!!! >>!!insert happy dance!!<<

Isn't that pretty much what goes through everyone's minds at a wedding anyways? "Oh hey betcha they are gonna do it tonight...hehehe..." So let me just clear the air, kill the elephant in the room, whatever you want to say... Now it is out there! And yes, I am super excited! Thanks for asking! ;)

Okay sorry for the bunny trail, back to what I was trying to say...

I am giving up everything. Everything. I am giving up my name, my life, my home, everything... I think I have said everything enough by now but just to be sure you know how I feel...I AM GIVING UP EVERYTHING!!!

That is slightly frightening at times...

Speaking that I still can't figure out how to sign my new name...

Have I mentioned how much I HATE cursive K's? I can never get them to look pretty enough....

And it is soooooooo long....

I pretty much scribble Hennigan as it is... But Hennigan is easy to scribble....

This is why, God, that I told you I wanted someone with a shorter last name! 

Oh have I also mentioned that I am completely screwed from now on in the name pronunciation department? I thought I had issues before...Oh geez, get ready for scariness....

I am moving down the street...okay maybe to the next town, oh well I might have exaggerated there I am moving states...Actually oceans... Yup, moving across the ocean. When? Oh just 2 days after the wedding. No biggie right? Ha! As if getting married isn't change enough, I am moving to an island.

I always said I couldn't live on an island...there is no where to go if something scary happens. You all pretty much are screwed and get to die by drowning. Have sweet dreams!

I probably sound by now as if I am freaking out...Actually I am not. I have no idea why or how I am feeling calm...

The funny thing about all this is, I have peace. A strange, beautiful, unexplained peace. I have joy and happiness... I WANT to give up everything. I want to start a new and beautiful life. I want to wake up in a new state, completely scared out of my freaking mind. I want to stress and plan and run around like a psycho chicken with one leg and no head. I want to sign that marriage license and enter into a crazy adventure... I am so excited to give up everything that I have now in return for a much more beautiful life than I could have ever planned for myself...

My life is about to be turned upside down, and then inside out, and then be sent into a volcano and blown across a mountain....and I am happy about it!

I cannot wait to marry Cody. I have no doubt that he is the man for me...

One time he told me, "I will marry you, Chiarra. That isn't a question." 

But that is a tale for tomorrow perhaps...

Goodnight beautiful world!

Love, Almost A Bride