You know when you have a circumstance in your life that turns on a light bulb that lights up your entire universe?
That happened last week.
And let me tell you it was amazing.
The circumstance was not enjoyable, but it caused a lot of thought and for that I am grateful.
My entire life has been made of me chasing after people, trying to smash myself into the box that they wanted me to fit in. Apologizing for things that weren't really anything that I needed to apologize for. Changing because I thought that I could keep people if I changed who I was to be what they wanted.
And guess what? The people I changed for, always left.
I chased after them and their approval. I fought myself into a corner because someone wanted me to be a triangle. I rolled myself into a tiny ball because someone wanted something round. I changed and I lost myself.
And those people never stayed.
They always left.
And then I was left in a ball on the floor not sure what shape I should be in because I based who I was on what they wanted.
And one reason I was so excited to move away was because I couldn't wait to be exactly who I was without having to answer to anyone why I wasn't the way they thought I should be. I was excited to make new friends who were going to love me for me and all of me.
You see, it is super hard to smash a hurricane into a corner and you can't roll a tornado into a ball. So all the time I was leaving out parts of who I was to make someone happy.
And I could finally be a hurricane and a tornado and people could love me for being those things.
But that didn't end up happening. People still wanted me to fit into a circle. They still wanted me to be this perfect version of what they wanted in a friend. I found myself again being pushed into a box. "Don't be this. If you are this we can't be friends. I won't allow you to be kind of a person. Pull yourself together. Your feelings are irrelevant. Stop feeling that way. Stop acting that way. Be this way or don't be in my life."
Colorado Kiki would have apologized and made excuses for why she was that way and how she was working on being a better person. She would have begged and fought to be friends. She would have apologized for who she was without thinking twice about what part of herself she was leaving behind to be what that person wanted.
But Hawaii Kiki....Oh man she is much different.
You want to know why? Because she married a man who forces her to feel everything. He pushes her to be every single part of who she is and gets mad when she apologizes for something that isn't her fault. Hawaii Kiki is told constantly that how she feels is important to her husband. He embraces the hurricane and loves when he gets caught in the tornado. The chaos in her soul intrigues him and increases his love for her.
And thus Kiki has blossomed...
And now you can see flowers in her tornado and there is a garden growing in her hurricane.
And she does not apologize for who she is.
She will apologize if she hurts you by accident.
She will apologize fiercely if she does something that causes pain to that person.
But she no longer apologizes for who she is.
Because she likes who she is.
Kiki is a mess. Chaos and storm. She is beautiful and she knows it. She has a huge mouth that will say how she feels without filter. She is a person that lets everything get into her heart. She feels with every part of her being. She has bad days. She misses her husband when he is only gone for an hour. She complains about people that get on her nerves. She will jump to conclusions about people and will be super judgmental. But she is more than willing to give second chances to people. Once you have her loyalty you will have it no matter what. She will stand up fiercely for those that she loves. Watch out if you hurt her family or her husband. Nothing makes her more uncontrollably mad than people hurt those she cares about. When she is mad, she is mad with every inch of her being. Watch out if you try to hurt my husband...because she might just slit your throat in the middle of the night. She is a lioness that is on the prowl and she will not let anything get into her pack. She is overly passionate and loves and feels every single thing to the very core of her being.
And most importantly:
She is going to be unapologetic with who she is.
You take her how she is or you move on.
She will not mourn people leaving because they didn't like her fierce spirit.
She will no longer shy away from being every single part of her with all the passion that she wants.
She will be who she is.
And she will always be striving for a better version of herself.
But NEVER a watered down or inferior version.
She is a huge person and people will either grow their hands to hold her or will let her go.
She will no longer shrink.
