Modesty, lies, and making people mad...

This post is going to make a lot of people angry. I don't care.

I have been struggling hard core lately with things that I am finding have warped how I view love, beauty and myself. One of those lies is...

You must be modest because if you are not, men will think bad thoughts about you.

From the time I was in Rainbows we had a dress code. Shorts longer than finger length, no sleeveless shirts, skirts at knee length, the front of your shirt had to be no lower than a hand width from your collar bone.

Why? Cause we want to protect boys from thinking wrong things. Bad thoughts. Dirty things. You take your pick in words there.

Every time I have been taught about modesty it has been warped into a horrid view. A view that seems harmless and partially true. But it holds a HUGE impact on women later on in life.

Let me preface this next portion by saying, I am all for modesty. I love modesty. I am modest. I love being modest. But being modest because if we aren't boys will think bad thoughts is the most damaging thing that we could ever associate with modesty. Here is what I have found in the dark places in my soul, hiding in the shadows, keeping me in bondage from truly being free.

First, boys are nasty creatures who can't control their minds. Every time a boy looks at you, he is being perverted. Men are not capable of appreciating your beauty without thinking dirty, wrong, and bad thoughts. Men are animals that we have to contain with keeping our bodies hidden from their ravenous eyes.

Second, we are responsible for their "wicked" thinking. You, as a woman, are responsible for what men are thinking. You are a stumbling block if you are immodest. You are the reason, the problem. Your body is a bad thing that causes men to sin. You are the cause of sin in men. If you dress in a way that is attractive and provocative, you are responsible for every bad thing that goes through every single man's mind that sees you. Their lust is your fault.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, dirty, gross, sinful, lust, disgust... You. A woman. You cause these things.

When we tell girls and women that they have to cover their bodies for the purpose of not causing men to sin we are telling them that their body is sinful. News flash!!! God made the woman's body. And He made it naked. Shocker there. Why? Cause sex is needed. Its crucial, its important. Its how you are reading this right now. The world survives on sex. God made sex. He didn't make it a dirty act, He made it enjoyable. Yup, grab your stones and throw them at me for saying that, I don't care. God made sex and I can't wait to enjoy it after I am married. And my body is going to be sexy, and my hubby is gonna want to have sex with me. And there is nothing wrong with that. NOTHING. Sex is healthy, it is normal, it isn't bad or dirty, or shameful. You don't need to hide it. That is what sin did to us, made us think that sex was dirty. Adam and Eve hid their nakedness from God...even though He was the one who formed them to be the way they were. Naked and attracted to each other.

Second, men are responsible for their thoughts. Period. If a man is lustful, it is not a woman's fault. Their brain, their thoughts, their sin. My body is not the cause of sin, sin is the cause of sin. Sinful nature, lustful thoughts, that is sin. Not my body. Yeah, I am not about to go push up my boobs and wear shorts that show my entire butt. But not because boys are nasty creatures who have blackened minds. Boys are capable of looking at a woman without lust. Boys are not animals and we must stop putting it in their minds that they are. Also we need to stop telling that to girls. Men are not to be feared. Every man's mind is not full of lust 100% of the time. They are intelligent and wonderful creatures as well.

Why can't we teach modesty for the right reasons? Why do we have teach it in a way that puts fear and shame as the reason?

Instead why don't we teach girls to be modest because they are beautiful? Why don't we teach them that it is far more sexy to leave more to the imagination? Why don't we teach modesty because we as women should respect ourselves and our bodies?

Modesty to me is no longer about boys and their "bad" thoughts. I am not to be an object that needs to be hidden. I am a beautiful woman with a gorgeous body that God gave me. But I am more than my body. I am more than a bad thought in a boy's mind. I am modest because I respect myself and my brain enough to know that I am more than my sexiness. I don't need to flaunt what the good Lord gave me because I am confident enough to cover it up and know that I am still hot stuff.

If I want respect then I must present my body in a way that demands respect.

But if one day I wear a cute skirt that is a bit above my knees, I don't want to be considered a slut.
If one day my wonderful. loving husband tells me that I have a hot body, I don't want my first instinct to be to cover in fear that he is lusting after me.

Modesty is about respecting your body as a woman.
Modesty is about knowing that you are beautiful without showing every part of your body.

The quiet in your soul...

The silence screams the truth.

Take a minute every day to just sit.

Sit and evaluate yourself.

Take inventory.

Take inventory of your heart, your feelings, your soul, your body.

Use the silence to unite your mind with your thoughts.

Think about what you are feeling.

Then ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this?"

Do not shut down what is going on.

Even the chaos needs to be felt.

Let your mind run the entire length of who you are.

And then let it walk back, taking in every beautiful thing about yourself.

Ask yourself why you are stressed, happy, angry, sad, irritated.

Find the reasons for your feelings.

And deal with it.

Let the answers set that feeling free.

Whether that feeling needs to be free to fly away or free to make artwork in your mind, set it free.

Your heart will weigh a million pounds if you let any emotion cage it in.

Sit in the silence and wonder.

Ask yourself, "Who do I want to be?"

And then ask yourself, "Why am I not that person right now?"

Then remind yourself of every beautiful thing that you are in this very moment.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

But always remind yourself of where you are headed to.

Take every person in your life and add together what they bring to you and what you give to them.

If it does not equal out, ask yourself if it is worth it and healthy to keep them around.

Or ask yourself how you can be a better friend to them.

Plan on how you are going to open your eyes and smile with no extra weight on your back.

How in your minute of silence you have taken yourself under control.

You have set to flight to the dust on your soul.

You have given yourself permission to open your own wings and take off.

Are you beautiful?

I hate my body. I hate that I used to be so skinny. I hate that people hated me for being small. I hate that I had to wear shorts that were taken in and shirts that were big so you couldn't see my deformed ribs. And I really do mean that my ribs have a deformity. I hated it. I hated everyone who was normal.

Even now, I don't like my body. I am still considered skinny by 90% of the population. But now I have stretch marks and a little bit of something something on my hips. And people still hate me. My body is not perfect as it once was...but then maybe it is better? Yeah, I sure don't think so. Long gone are the days of eating whatever I want and putting on no weight. Now I am 120 pounds and I still feel awkward. I feel fat...and wish I could go to the gym every day.

And again I bet 90% of the population hates me for saying any of this. 120 pounds is really nothing. But for a girl who struggled to even have 100 pounds on her bones, that is a lot for me. It is different.

And no matter what, people are going to hate my body.

Either they will hate I am skinny, or they will hate that I am fat. No one is happy.

So forget them. I should have been nicer to myself when I was younger. I should have been taught that I was more than how skinny I was. I should have looked myself in the mirror every single day and said, "You are beautiful."

Cause you see, whether I have zits everywhere or my makeup is on point, I am beautiful.

It has nothing to do with how I look in a swim suit. It has nothing to do with what a scale says.

I am healthy. I eat. I sometimes exercise. I am sure I could take better care of myself and I am aware of that.

But again, I do not need to weigh less than anyone in my family, I do not need to weigh less than anyone in the world.

I need to weigh Chiarra's weight.

Because I am beautiful. Just how I am.

And I wish that we would teach our girls that they are beautiful. And I think we need to start from when they are first able to speak.

I want my daughter to know that no matter what she looks like on the outside, she is beautiful.

I don't want her reaching age 20 and having an identity crisis because she suddenly put on enough weight to look normal.

(Photo Credit To: Kenny Kerns Photography)

Constantly empty...

Some days I feel like no matter what happens... I am empty.

You could tell me for a million hours how wonderful I am and how much you love me. But I won't believe you. You are filling an empty cup.

And it doesn't matter what I do, I always feel this way. Empty and slightly broken. A little cracked. Leaky.

I have asked Jesus to help, but I am still leaking. Everywhere. I am still a bottomless pit. I don't ever hold on to healthy things as truth. In one ear and out the other. Jesus has healed a lot of my brokenness... And I am truly happy with where I am. But I still feel like I am leaking.

I have made progress, but I am still empty... Constantly. I need love and attention more than I should. I need to hear that I am worth something to someone...all the time. And it is never enough. I can read of God's love for me, I can hear God's loving voice, I can know it in my heart that He thinks highly of me... But it is never enough to satisfy me.

And I have always been told that to be effective in life, you must be a whole cup. You can't be used if you are broken. God can't pour out on you and it go anywhere if you have holes in you. A cup with holes can't be filled up and running over.

But that view of God is so small and humanly minded. "God can only fill a cup to running over if we don't have holes." I have watched many a youth sermon preached with a cup with holes and one without and watched water being poured into both and being asked which one would be more fulfilling. And I always felt like the cup with holes. Spewing water everywhere... Not beautiful and clean cut water flow from a cup without holes.

But I have been broken... I have a past. It isn't pretty and it isn't one without holes. I have healed from it, I have learned how to deal with the pain. I have gotten wiser from what has happened, definitely more humble. But I am still broken.

And what if that is how I am supposed to be? A little bit of broken beauty... Never quite strong enough to do it, always depending on someone for help.

God has a plan. And when He made me He put together a unique combination of needy and independence. I have done things on my own for the last 9 years of my life. All of life's curve balls and valleys, all of the low points and the scary times, all the pain and scars and cuts and bruising, dealt with by myself.

Just me.

Alone.

And what if I am too broken now to do things on my own? Maybe I am never going to be back at the beautiful and whole Chiarra until I reach heaven. Maybe I am going to have to learn to deal with the broken and constantly needy Chiarra.

And maybe that is okay. Maybe I can't be that pretty whole cup. Maybe I can't be overflowing everywhere.

But I do know this, the cup with holes, got a lot more things wet and it took a lot more to clean up that mess. It had more of an impact on the environment that it was in... And it needed a whole lot more water!

Maybe that is why I have holes. So that I can touch more people. So that I need way more of God and way more of those around me. It keeps me from doing things on my own.

If I didn't have holes, I wouldn't need God. If I wasn't broken, I would not be in constant need of God.

So if I am constantly empty, I constantly need God.