Constantly empty...

Some days I feel like no matter what happens... I am empty.

You could tell me for a million hours how wonderful I am and how much you love me. But I won't believe you. You are filling an empty cup.

And it doesn't matter what I do, I always feel this way. Empty and slightly broken. A little cracked. Leaky.

I have asked Jesus to help, but I am still leaking. Everywhere. I am still a bottomless pit. I don't ever hold on to healthy things as truth. In one ear and out the other. Jesus has healed a lot of my brokenness... And I am truly happy with where I am. But I still feel like I am leaking.

I have made progress, but I am still empty... Constantly. I need love and attention more than I should. I need to hear that I am worth something to someone...all the time. And it is never enough. I can read of God's love for me, I can hear God's loving voice, I can know it in my heart that He thinks highly of me... But it is never enough to satisfy me.

And I have always been told that to be effective in life, you must be a whole cup. You can't be used if you are broken. God can't pour out on you and it go anywhere if you have holes in you. A cup with holes can't be filled up and running over.

But that view of God is so small and humanly minded. "God can only fill a cup to running over if we don't have holes." I have watched many a youth sermon preached with a cup with holes and one without and watched water being poured into both and being asked which one would be more fulfilling. And I always felt like the cup with holes. Spewing water everywhere... Not beautiful and clean cut water flow from a cup without holes.

But I have been broken... I have a past. It isn't pretty and it isn't one without holes. I have healed from it, I have learned how to deal with the pain. I have gotten wiser from what has happened, definitely more humble. But I am still broken.

And what if that is how I am supposed to be? A little bit of broken beauty... Never quite strong enough to do it, always depending on someone for help.

God has a plan. And when He made me He put together a unique combination of needy and independence. I have done things on my own for the last 9 years of my life. All of life's curve balls and valleys, all of the low points and the scary times, all the pain and scars and cuts and bruising, dealt with by myself.

Just me.

Alone.

And what if I am too broken now to do things on my own? Maybe I am never going to be back at the beautiful and whole Chiarra until I reach heaven. Maybe I am going to have to learn to deal with the broken and constantly needy Chiarra.

And maybe that is okay. Maybe I can't be that pretty whole cup. Maybe I can't be overflowing everywhere.

But I do know this, the cup with holes, got a lot more things wet and it took a lot more to clean up that mess. It had more of an impact on the environment that it was in... And it needed a whole lot more water!

Maybe that is why I have holes. So that I can touch more people. So that I need way more of God and way more of those around me. It keeps me from doing things on my own.

If I didn't have holes, I wouldn't need God. If I wasn't broken, I would not be in constant need of God.

So if I am constantly empty, I constantly need God.