My life since the last time that I wrote:
- Doctor’s appointment.
-
She said nothing was wrong with me and that I should just be patient with the
pain, it’ll get better
- Anger and frustration about news from doctor (will go
into this in another post)
- Loving husband assuring me that we will find answers
- Trip back to see family
- 21st birthday
- Seeing my husband only 5 days out of a whole month
- Coming back to my beautiful home to find it all
cleaned, my bed made, laundry done, sink empty, and two beautiful dresses laid
out for me that my darling husband had bought for me
- Expectation for sorrow and chaos upon getting home and
being without my family again.
That is obviously the short version of my life at the
moment but you get the gist! I was expecting to wake up so depressed this
morning, just like when I first moved here. And yet I woke up this morning to
beautiful sounds coming in my window that reminded me of my time in Haiti. A
peace that I cannot describe to you overwhelmed and covered my soul. “And the
peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds
in Christ Jesus.” (Phil. 4:7)
I got up and made myself breakfast and coffee and took it
out onto our lanai and sat and read through Philippians again. I was soaking in
everything that I was reading and truly feeling like God was speaking to me
again. I felt Him for the first time in months and I can’t tell you how much I
had missed His voice and His peace. I picked up a book that I had started
reading a while ago called Do You Think I’m
Beautiful? It speaks to women about the questions deep inside their souls,
do you find me desirable, is my beauty worth finding out, do you want to know
me deeply? Yet one thing stood out to me very deeply this morning.
Does God look on me in my messy, lonely, struggling,
doubting, scared, angry, hateful state and find me desirable? Can the God of
the universe want to know me deeply even in the state that I am in? A quote
from the book stood out to me…
“’The King is enthralled
by your beauty.’ (Ps. 45:11)
The God who slung
the stars across the heavens…the same God who shaped the mountains and valets with
the palm of His hand…the God whose very breath gives life…that God, the King
has always been taken with you.
You have been
noticed,
He thinks you’re
beautiful,
the glass slipper
fits,
The music is
playing,
and He’s asking
you to dance.”
God has made my life into a dance floor… He has set
struggles before me, obstacles have been put in my way. He has played music
that I don’t like, He has asked me to dance at a tempo I am not comfortable
with. But He is not concerned with how well I can dance, how I can execute the
moves, how good I am at keeping up to the beat…
All God cares about is whether or not I dance with Him.
Will I take His hand and allow Him to dance with me? Will I forget about
everyone watching and simply let Him lead?
Life is messy, and my life is even messier.
Marriage is hard, mine seems to be getting shot at all
the time. Not only am I trying to adjust to being married, we are military and
that makes marriage even more difficult. And to top it all off, having sexual struggles
has made our lives that much more difficult… Our dance is a mess…
But God has asked me to dance with Him. Not to dance
alone. He knows all the moves, He knows how to keep up with the tempo…
I am reminded of my senior prom… It was held at the Brown
Palace Hotel in downtown Denver. We were taught all the dances from the era of
the Titanic. I remember struggling through trying to keep up with the beat and
remember all the moves and not trip on my dress that was way too long… It was
difficult for me to keep up… At one point in the night the instructor who was teaching
us told all the women to close their eyes and let their partner lead. I felt so
sure that I was going to trip and look like a baboon! I am sure the fear was so
evident on my face. My friend who had taken me to prom just assured me that he
would catch me if I tripped and I apologized if I stepped on his toes in
advance and shut my eyes.
That was the best dance of the night.
I didn’t trip once, we were right in line with the tempo,
our waltz was perfect… I had let go and let someone else lead and it was better
than when I was all focused in my head.
God reminded me of that dance this morning…
And asked me to dance with Him the same way…
Close my eyes and focus on just His leading. Focus on Him
instead of the dance itself.
Dancing is better with your eyes closed.
So will I accept this dance that He has called me to?
Will I let him lead as the dance gets hard and life starts to pull at me? Will
I keep my eyes closed and my heart focused on His leading?
Yes. I probably will fail, there will be times that I
open my eyes and trip, there will be moments of frustration about the music…
But I will keep dancing. Because God didn’t ask me to be
good at dancing, He just asked me to dance.
