Every year around this time everyone starts posting their thankfulness posts, usually one a day, of everything that they are thankful for. Good friends, puppies, coffee, love, etc. I always think I am going to do one of those everyday and I never do. So this year I decided to just do one blog post about it.
This has been a difficult year. In many ways it feels like this year has gone on forever. But in other ways, I cannot believe that it is almost over. It has not been an extremely hard year, but it has also not been an extremely easy one either.
Part of me believes that it has been an easier year because I am a stronger person. But part of me knows that a lot of that has to do with being on medication. Prozac saved my life. And finally I could focus on who I wanted to be as a person and work on myself. I was no longer held in chains by this soul sucking disease.
And then the disease got me again. Prozac has once again saved my life, at a higher dosage this time. But this time at the expense of a fully functioning brain.
You should record me some time. The amount of things that I forget in the process of 30 seconds at time is unnerving. I lose my phone like it is made of invisible glass. It needs a homing beacon because I have wasted at least a full 12 hours total looking for it a week.
I cannot really keep up with life at the moment. Sometimes I can barely think a full thought without getting confused and losing my place.
But I will gladly trade a few moments of that for the happiness and stability that I have. The solid ground that my feet are walking on. The fact that I am getting out of bed. I am functioning. So what if I have to repeat something to myself a few times before I remember it? It is practice for getting older right?
I am happy with where I am. Memory issues and all.
Because this year, my darkness only took 1/4 of my days. This year my darkness did not consume me alive. Because this year I got help before it was too late. Because this year I have spent time on myself and becoming who I want to be.
So this year I am thankful for unconventional things.
I am thankful that I went to a doctor.
I am thankful that I took a chance on a therapist. She might not have done anything for me, but she encouraged me to get my meds checked out and that did a lot more than her telling me I shouldn't be sad because I was beautiful.
I am thankful this year that I have made it a very intentional growing period.
I have shaped who I want to be.
I have gained confidence.
I have stopped running after people who have hurt me.
I have stood up for myself.
I have stood up for my beliefs.
I have stood up for others.
Even in the face of arguments with people close to me.
Even though it has made a lot of people mad at me.
I am thankful that I am the door and not the doormat anymore. I decide who to let in, not who gets to walk all over me.
I am thankful that I had a wonderful physical therapist who gave me so much healing.
I am thankful that for the months I spent in her office, some times crying, some times rejoicing, some times just simply there. In those months she truly took the time to feel what I felt. To cry with me, rejoice with me, and simply just be. She was a strong, take no shit, give no shit, woman. I learned a lot from her.
I am thankful that last night I put all my laundry away, even though I really did not want to.
I am thankful that I have friends who understand me and know what I need.
I am thankful for the friends who are there in the muck and the grime, with nothing but patience and love and forgiveness when I ask for it.
I am thankful for the friendships that I have lost this year. Each one has made me a much stronger person.
I am thankful for the boundaries that I have placed in my life.
I am thankful that I know what I will and will not allow from people.
I am thankful that I am reaching out for the help I need when I need it.
I am thankful that my job ended and then picked up again.
I am thankful that I started a new business.
I am thankful that I kicked a lot of people out of my life because when I did that it gave me a lot more room to truly and deeply love those who I wanted close to me.
Overall, I am thankful that I am me. That I am here. That I am who I am. That I do not care if you like me or not. That I don't care if so and so is mad at me because I stood up for myself. That I have the space in my life to focus on the few people that honestly mean the world to me. That I have made my circle small and powerful around me.
I am thankful for my honesty that has brought me to where I am.
Because I happen to really like the place that I am at in my life.
I am nowhere near perfect by any means! I am still working on me, and I will never be done. There will always be something that I can work on. But I am happy with where I am now. I do not feel the need to rush to become a better version of myself in the next 2 minutes.
I have grace for myself and my short comings and it has allowed me to grow even more this year.
I am thankful for peace.
