Some day....

I have been holding onto two words this last week.

Some.
Day.

Some day I won't have to work this job.
Some day I will be back to the person that I was before.
Some day I will talk to you again.
Some day I will be married.
Some day I won't have to wait months upon end to see my love.
Some day I will be stronger than I am now.
Some day I will be healed.
Some day I won't cry as much.
Some day I will figure out what I want to do with my life.
Some day I will travel again.
Some day I won't have to struggle with money.
Some day I will be okay.
Some day I will have a plan.
Some day I will not let fear hold me captive.
Some day I will be the woman that I want to be.
Some day I won't be this crazy lady anymore.

That day doesn't have to be today.

But I beat myself up for it not being today.

I want results right now.

THIS minute.

I want to be a good person.

I want to be at least better than I am right now.

But change happens slowly.

You don't wake up one day and have your life together.

I am a mess. And that is okay.

And some day I will be okay with that.

Some day I will be okay with the fact that I don't have it together.

Not today. But maybe tomorrow.

Freedom...

This morning I woke up and was going to post a status on Facebook about freedom and then I realized that, I wanted to say more than someone would read on a Facebook status. Why? Cause this holiday is extremely important to me and dear to my heart.

Freedom is not free. You always hear people say that on any holiday that celebrates our country. Happy Memorial, Veterans, Fourth, etc....Remember freedom isn't free.

Have we gotten to where that doesn't mean anything to us? Have we gotten so used to hearing it that we forget to hear it?

Freedom to me is when I was too young to understand my uncle went to boot camp. I felt like he had left me. My Uncle Ryan was one of my favorites and always held a very special place in my heart. I remember when he and my Uncle Sean would stay with my parents and I and I would get to wake them up by jumping on their beds. They were always so happy to see me and I was thrilled to see them!! When Uncle Ryan left we all went to take the last pictures with him and I wanted a picture with just us. I loved him very much, and I still do.

But I still remember the day that my parents told me that he was going to Iraq. I sat in Kid's church and cried... I didn't want anyone to see me cry but Pastor Rachael came over and asked why I was crying. The only words I could manage were, I will hate God if my uncle dies in Iraq. She, being the most wonderful kid's pastor in the world, told me that most men who went over to Iraq were getting saved and finding Jesus and that God would keep him safe over there. I got home from church that day thinking, I wonder what people without God do when their family is military.

My uncle has come home from every tour that he has done, by the grace of God. But there is still sorrow in my heart. He lives far away and I see him on very very rare occasions. He was stationed in Colorado and we got to see him a few times while he was here, but then the military takes him to another state and we just have to deal with losing him again.

Freedom comes at a cost for families everywhere. Every man that is in the military has left some family at home to worry about him, miss him, and need him. He is missing out on parts of his family that he will never be able to get back. It costs him and all his loved ones deeply. So thank you Uncle Ryan for leaving your family and giving your entire life to your country.

You also lose friends to the military.

Josh and I have been friends since I was in 4th grade and he was in 5th. Even then he was taller than all of us and our teacher in Sunday School. Josh would always talk about how his dad was in the military and how he wanted to go into the military as well. I would always cringe and try to talk him out of it. Of all the people that I know from back then, Josh and I are the closest. He is probably one of my best friends and has been for years. Yeah sure we fight like brother and sister, and sometimes we don't talk for a year at a time, but no matter what I know that Josh is gonna be there to forgive me. We could not talk for a while and then pick up right where we left off. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if my safety was on the line, Josh would lay his life down for me. He would kill anyone who tried to hurt me.

He said something that broke my heart a few weeks ago... He told me to enjoy my Fourth and take lots of pictures for him. He told me I had to have double the good time because he couldn't have a good time. You see, Josh is deployed right now. And they are gonna do their best to celebrate this wonderful holiday. But they can't celebrate with fireworks and BBQ's. What does he get to celebrate this day that he is fighting to keep alive? Sand, duty watches, heat, no sleep (he never sleeps), uncomfortable uniforms...You get the picture. Josh is 21 and should be at home for the Fourth having fun with his friends and family, drinking lemonade and watching fireworks. But instead I have to celebrate for him because he can't do any celebrating.

Every day that I don't hear from Josh I am so worried that something happened to him. I am terrified that he is dead or something crazy. You see, this isn't over. Our men are still fighting enemies everywhere. He likes to terrify me and tell me how many times the bomb alarm goes off in a day. He is the most selfless man that I know, I always am hearing about how he is giving up sleep to go with one of his guys to get their teeth pulled or how his friend is not passing his PT and so Josh is spending is sleeping hours to go help him. Good men like Josh, give up their own freedom for ours.

Then this post brings me to my favorite man alive... The man who holds my heart and takes such wonderful care of it.

Wanna know why Cody wrote me a letter back when he was in boot camp? Cause I thanked him for his service. And why did I do that? Cause I knew what it was like to lose someone to the military and I knew the sacrifices that he was having to make in order to serve our country. I had felt first hand how that felt and I wanted him to know that I saw and appreciated it. That is why he wrote me a letter back. Because I thanked him for his service and he thought that maybe I wasn't just a stupid girl. Ha! He sure found out quickly that I wasn't!

I swore up and down that I would NEVER date someone in the military. In fact I had three main rules. I would never date someone in the military, never date someone younger than me, never date someone with a longer last name than mine.

Then Cody Krollpfeiffer came along with his 13 letter last name, 1995 birth year, and his job in the Navy. God has jokes. And they aren't funny. But I am glad that he has jokes because I have found the best man in the world. He is so perfect for me. His love is beautiful and kind, he is protecting and always caring for me. He has put up with me, a miracle that I thought no one would ever accomplish. He has loved me in my depression, in my happiness, in hatred, laughter, and joy. He has loved the good and the bad side of me.

But he isn't here. He isn't able to hug me after a long day. He isn't able to cure my lonely days. He sin't here to celebrate this holiday with. We can't watch fireworks under the stars, we can't share a good ole American hamburger, we can't go hide in the mountains for a day. We have to celebrate things alone. We have to do life alone. We have each other, sure. But we don't have each other at the same time. I would not trade it for the world... But now I have a much higher respect for military wives and mothers. They go without their backbone, often at very young ages. They keep the home together, raise the children, do without love and affection, all for the sake of this country.

Just last night I was crying because deployments are coming up soon for Cody and I and they are threatening to crush me. I feel this upcoming pain and I just want to stop time. I want to stay in this place forever... I don't want him to leave. And especially not to go fight for people who abuse their freedom and rights.

So please today, thank a service member. Women and men who give up their lives, their dreams, their families, friends, loved ones, all to make sure that you can watch those fireworks tonight. If you see a bumper sticker saying that they have a loved one in the military, especially those who say wife of a military man, please leave a note thanking them for everything that they do. Maybe even leave them $20 and a Starbucks card so that they can go escape for a while. If you see a service man, buy his dinner or his gas. Thank him for his service and sacrifice. Because it is hard to fight for your freedom, and one thank you can make the world of difference.

So thank you to everyone who faithfully serves this beautiful country. Thank you for those who aren't ablet o be with their families so that I could write this blog post today. Thank you for serving in Iraq Uncle Ryan, thank you for serving now Josh. And thank you Cody for every single minute that you spend away from me, just to make sure that I can sleep at night.

So to celebrate this holiday in whatever way that you want. But I hope you find a service member today and thank them because without them, we would not be here today.