Where there is beauty...

Where there is beauty there is also pain.

You can't feel the sun without the cold.
You can't see a rainbow without the rain.
You can't enjoy flowers without the snow.

Color has no meaning without black, gray, and white.
Grace has no meaning without punishment.
Love has no power without hatred.

There can't be beauty without change.
A butterfly is nothing without a caterpillar.
Healing is nothing without being broken.

There is no beauty in life until we experience pain.
There is no hope in life if we do not know rock bottom.
There is no life without death.

Sometimes we fear pain because it hurts.
Sometimes we fear the rain because we can't see the sun.
Sometimes we fear the unknown because we can't see the way.

How do we cope with the darkness?
How do we move forward without a path?
How do we carry on with a broken heart?

Do we survive or do we thrive?
Do we crawl or do we fly?
Do we jump off the edge without testing our wings?

Do we know we can fly unless we are thrown out of the nest?
Will we ever know our strength if we walk on sturdy ground?
Can we live if we don't die a little inside?

Where are our dreams without a fight?
Where are our wings without the wind?
Where is our shelter without the storm?

There is no beauty without pain.
Life can't exist without struggle.
We are not created for effortless travels.

"What if I fall?
But oh darling, what if you fly?"

Love stays...

Here comes my sappy sad post...

Today I said goodbye, again, to my love. This has not been easy, it probably never will be. Love isn't meant to be easy. It is meant to go through fire. Love is not for the faint of heart. Love is a battle. It is a battle of the past, the present, and the future. It is fighting against what has brought you down before and fighting for what is keeping you going now. It is breaking down walls and barriers, it is becoming intimate and free with one another to to share the deepest darkest secrets... Love is a battle. It can either wound you or heal you.

I was writing a letter last night for Cody to read on his plane home and the notebook that I was writing in was also one that I had written random poems and my thoughts in a few summers ago...

And let me tell you, it was not pretty.

It was full of hatred towards love and many colorful words. It was not a place of hope. I hated love. I hated what it did to me. I wanted nothing to do with it.

And oh have I changed. Let me tell you, I have changed. I am so thankful for that change... And it was only brought about by love.

Love is the only thing that healed me. Love is the only thing that makes fear go away. Love is the only way to release hatred and anger. Love, pure and true.

And that is what I have. I have a love that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter what life brings, it stays.

Love stays.

This is a difficult relationship. It is lonely and sad sometimes. Okay I lied, most of the time it is lonely. It is not easy, it is not a piece of cake. But it is more than worth it.

This past weekend was rough for me, I was terrified of what the future held for us. I am walking into 5 years of dark abyss it feels like. Time spent alone and by myself, for a long while... and that is terrifying. I was preparing myself for him to walk out on this relationship. I always prepare myself for everyone to leave. And this time was no different. I pushed away and I hid in fear... Even though I pulled away and shut down completely, love stayed. Right by my side, patiently and silently waiting to pull me back into his arms. You would think by now I would stop pulling away from him, but nope, I am still stupid and do it all the time.

And guess what, no matter what I do, love stays. Right next to me. Holding my hand even when I can't feel it. Love waits for me to open up again. Love doesn't run away when I am being difficult. Love loves me. Period. No questions asked or conditions applied.

And it makes me cry sometimes thinking about how I do not deserve to be loved so unconditionally and fully. How much love Cody gives me is more than I can bear.

And God still loves me more... That blows my mind. God never leaves, He stays no matter how many times we push Him away, say we hate Him, disobey, He stays right there. He doesn't walk away. He doesn't move. He stays and He loves.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Love stays. No matter what. No matter the pain and tears that came with saying goodbye for who knows how long. No matter the fear of the unknown and a lonely future. No matter the distance and the price that is paid for the little bit of time spent together. No matter what, love stays. It endures. It gets knocked down, it gets back up. It fights and then it mends. It becomes weak and brittle, then it makes itself stronger.

Love is a force that cannot be reckoned with. It is powerful enough to cross oceans and countries. It is strong enough to break through mountains and climb over walls.

Love never fails. Love never leaves. Love keeps on going. No. Matter. What.

So here is a toast to love. Our love. My blessing. Here is a toast to distance and heartache. Here is a toast to being alone while being together. Here is a toast to nights spent crying for minutes spent kissing. Here is a toast to love that crosses the miles and succeeds. Here is a toast to love that stays no matter what I do, no matter the disagreements we have, no matter the sacrifices that must be made. Here is a toast to love, plain and simple.

Delicately strong...

What is strength? How are we strong?

I used to think I was strong. And I was. I could get through anything without anyone knowing what was going on. I could be broken without a single soul knowing. I could stand alone in a storm and not be overtaken by the wind and rain. I could attack the world alone and come out the winner. I was strong.

But I was harsh. I was cruel. I was undaunted and undefeated. I had a heart for others, I had compassion on them. I could fight their battles as well as my own. I could give them strength. But I couldn't accept it for myself. I had to be strong alone. By myself. Me, myself, and I could fix it. I don't need you.

I was like a cactus. If you got too close to my inside heart, I would stab you with a wound that would make you leave me alone for good. I would hurt you so you would leave. I didn't allow help, I didn't want it, and heaven forbid if you tried to give it to me, I might chop your head off. Okay so maybe I wouldn't chop your head off literally... But it would be pretty close to that.

I was fearless. I was brave. But I was alone.

And I was harsh. I was not someone that was beautiful on the inside. I was a warrior with a cold soul. I was that undaunted force with hollow eyes and a stone heart.

I have to ask myself, is that really strength?
Is being alone really being strong?
Is being harsh and cut off from the world really being strong?

Or is it barring your heart from people so they won't see that you really aren't strong?
Is being harsh really being strong?
Or is it just protecting your weakness?

I can't say that I am not that way anymore either. I still don't want people to help me. I still don't want to be weak. I still want to do everything on my own. Everything. By myself.

But where will that get me?

Eventually no one is going to stay in my life if I am harsh. No one can stand being around someone who will stab them with the needles around their heart. And I need people.

I need someone in battle with me. I need someone to know my heart and soul. I need someone who can hold me up when I have been shot at.

And honestly, I can't do life alone. I can't do life without someone next to me. I need a hand to hold sometimes to tell me that it is going to be okay. To remind me that I can get back up and try again tomorrow.

Being beautiful is strength. Not harsh and cold. Being warm and inviting that is true beauty and strength.

Letting the world see your joy and your pain, letting your heart be open and honest. Being vulnerable is stronger than being closed off. Strength is not being a lone island. Strength is being apart of a continent.

Next time the world causes you pain, don't deal with it alone. Let people see the storm you are in, let them see the struggle. Because then and only then can they see your victory. Being delicate in a cruel and awful world shows more strength than changing to be just like the world.

Bluntly honest and sometimes rude...

Okay so today, I took a quiz. "Which Disney princess is mostly likely to be your best friend?"

And you know the results?

"We are sorry we can't find anything based on your answers. Please try again."

So pretty much, I am that person who doesn't have best friends.

Which might be true.

I have very few friends.

Well like actual friends. I know a TON of people. But are we close? No.

My life, who I am is complicated. I am a messy person.

And I have been burned so many times in friendships, I don't waste my time anymore.

I could list on both my hands the amount of people who I am comfortable sharing my life with.

Alexandria.
Dee.
Faith.
Jesseca.
Cody.
Uhhhh....

Yeah so maybe only one hand.

And of those people...I have only talked to 3 of them recently. Why? Cause my life is insane. I am insane. And I am in love. Nobody wants to talk to a girl in love. Nobody. Well those 5 people love me enough they wouldn't care. We are just so busy, we don't have time.

Another reason I don't have friends, I am too honest and sometimes that makes me kind of rude. I will straight up tell you how I feel. Not only about my life and the situation but about you and how I feel about you. I am not a nice person sometimes.

Now I can be fake and nice...but we usually aren't going to get along that well if I am fake with you. Actually if I am fake with you, I probably hate you. Again, there goes my honesty mouthing off again.

I have put up with enough crap in my lifetime that I won't tolerate it anymore. If I don't like how you are treating me, bye bye! There is the door, don't let it smack you. Or let it smack you, just make sure it hurts a lot.

See ^^ Rude. Totally rude.

Oh and heaven forbid anyone mess with one of those five people. There will be blood. And lots of it. Lots.

But I am me. And I may not be the most friendly person in the world. But I will always have a smile on my face and I will be loyal no matter what. I might be blunt and honest and rude, but those 5 people know me better than anyone in the world. And I would give my life for them in a second.

I may be prickly, until you get inside.

"Accept everyone," they scream.

Getting really tired of people telling me to be more open minded.

I am not a closed minded person. I have things that I personally believe is right and wrong. Does that mean that I closed minded? No. I don't push those opinions on others, I let other people think what they want.

Just because my opinion is different than theirs, I am in the wrong though.

They preach tolerance until your view is different than their own. And then they scream for your blood.

And I am sick of it. I am all about respecting everyone's opinions and letting everyone live their life. But that doesn't mean that just because I live my life a little bit more conservatively than others that I am suddenly wrong about everything.

I think those that scream for tolerance are the most intolerant people I know. They want you to believe their way and that is everything is okay and there are no standards.

But I have a problem with that.

Why?

Because where do we draw the line?
When do we say, enough is enough?
What a boring society would we have if everyone thought the same way about everything? It would be a bland and horrid world.

Since when is it wrong to say you disagree with something, but it is okay to beat your girlfriend? Why are we suspending and fining someone for saying how they feel but we are going to look the other way when someone assaults a loved one?

This world is the most intolerant that it has ever been in my opinion.

Why?

Because no one should be shunned for their beliefs. Yet everyone is doing the shunning. The religious are shunning the non-religious, the non-religious are shunning the religious. Everyone is pulling hair and calling for blood... "Tolerance, tolerance!!"

I don't care if you are left winged, right winged, gay, straight, bi, black, white, purple, green, conservative, liberal... You have a right to your own opinion. And I am going to let you have it. I don't care what it is. Just don't shove it down my throat. I won't shove mine down yours, please respect me and don't do the same.

Yes, have your own views. But if they aren't yours, don't insist that they are wrong.

I am allowed to have my own opinions. And so are you. How are you any better if you don't allow me to have my opinions?

It is the pot calling the kettle black.

Baby fever...Spring fever...Hope...

Oh hello May... Nice to see you like the snow and murdering innocent beautiful flowers. Can I arrest you and put you in jail?

Today I am not happy about the snow.

But I am super happy cause my best friend had a baby yesterday. And he is beautiful... I can't wait to meet him. And spoil the crap out of him!!!

And yesterday and today it snowed. In May. Middle of May. A lot of snow too. Not a dusting. Like more than a few inches.

Usually I hate the snow. A lot. But not today. For some reason, I loved the snow today.

Maybe because I woke up to a picture of a precious bundle of joy. Maybe because it wasn't snowing on my birthday. Maybe because I have a great heater in my car.

I don't know why. But I LOVED the snow this morning.

Then I got to work and realized why exactly I loved the snow today.

Because there is green under the snow.

Green leaves, green grass...color. Hope that spring is still here even if there is a temporary storm. I have hope that summer is coming soon.

How many times do I wish that this would happen in my life? When a winter storms comes in to raid on my spring parade of happiness, I wish that I could still see the green.

Maybe I don't see the "green" because I am too busy complaining that I am cold? Or that it took longer to get to work? In life maybe I am too focused on the storm and the snow to see the hope and beauty hiding underneath it all.

The grass brought me hope today... It brought me hope that this is but a light and temporary storm.

And I already know that I am going to fall in love with little Jase... And he gives me hope. Hope that life can be brought into the world. Hope that no matter what, something beautiful comes from the end result. Hope and joy that something wonderful will happen. That life comes into the world and it is beautiful.

I don't think I can do this...

I am not strong enough.

And I want to throw up.

I can't do this.

I can't even think about not talking to Cody for months on end.

I can't bear the thought of not being able to call him whenever I want.

I already have to do without him...I don't know if I can do without everything.

I am crying and in tears because that thought rips my heart to shreds.

I have opened my life and my heart to someone for the first time ever...

And now I have to do without him.

And manage to let him back in when he returns.

I hate the military.

This is why I SWORE I would never date someone in the military.

I don't think I can handle it.

I am not strong enough to be weak.

I am only strong when I don't have to feel anything.

I am not looking forward to months of crying because I can't do anything else.

I am not looking forward to not seeing him and hearing his voice.

I am not looking forward to doing everything on my own again.

Not having someone to talk to about everything everyday.

People make fun of others who have their significant other as their best friend.

But I don't care, Cody is my best friend.

And he worked hard for that spot in my heart and life.

But now he is going to be gone.

And I am going to feel alone.

God how am I going to do this?

I am not strong enough.

This thought torments me.

But then again, have I been strong enough for anything that has come against me? No.

Have I ever been able to do anything on my own strength? No.

I need God. And God is enough.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

God will give me strength. He will make me strong. He will help me get through.

That promise is the only thing keeping me from a complete break down.

From having a meltdown at work.

From crying and not stopping.

God help me. You are all I have.

Love,

The vulnerable side of me

What if life isn't just feelings?

What if life is more than feelings?
What if wounds heal with more than just time?
What if love is a verb and not a thought?
What if feeling is action and words are proved?
What if life is more than feelings?
What if love is more than flowers and dates?
What if relationships are based on more than "in the moment"?
What if our hearts felt less and did more?
What if we shut up our brains and we looked for truth?
What if we knew more than we felt?
What if were able to see beyond temporary things?
What if just one second could not throw us into a rage?

How many times do we base our lives and our decisions on how we feel? How often do we take the temporary things and make life long decisions from their influence? How often do we give up on love and happiness because in one moment we were feeling mad or controlled or irritated? How many times do we forget all the good that a person did for us in the split second that they make us upset?

How many times do our words run rampant because we are feeling poorly one day?

If I had based my relationship on my frustration that I was only getting one word texts, I would have missed out on my wonderful future. If I base everything off of my feelings, where does that get me? No where.

Patience and grace is required in dealing with human beings. Patience because your feelings in the moment may not actually be what is going on.

Every time that someone is upset with something, the first thing I say is, "Take a breath. Just breathe."

You have to breathe... You have to take a mental step back and think about the situation. Are you reacting from your feelings or something that is legitimately a problem?

If it is actually a problem, then you need to look at the situation and see if it is something that can be worked through and worked on. Obviously if someone is being abusive, that is not a situation that you have to put yourself through. But if you are upset about something that can be worked on, please have the decency to give grace. Don't fly off the handle just because you are upset for something that can be fixed. If it isn't worked on, then make a decision from there. But also know that change doesn't happen immediately. If you see effort, forgive.

"A relationship's foundation is based on two things: trust and forgiveness."

Love is more than feeling. Love is more than just what you are feeling in the moment, whether it is good or bad, love is not a feeling.

Love is something you must work out every single day. It is a verb, a choice, an action.

Love is something that you do, not something that you feel.

Don't give up prematurely on someone or something just because you aren't "feeling it" anymore.

Love,
Kiki

Birthdays, letters, and life...

I was dreading yesterday. I am no longer a teenager. I am officially an adult. Scary right?

And what have I done with my teen years? What impact have I made? What have I done?

Well in the last year alone I have been out of the country twice on missions trips. I have been a youth leader for starting on three years now. I have kept friends, made friends, lost friends, and became closer with friends. I have gotten out of my prissy little bubble of perfection. I have screwed up, fallen down, fallen over, fallen flat on my face, fallen on my butt in the mud. But I have also got back up, every time. I have stood on my feet every time I have fallen down. I have been through hell but I made it my heaven. I have made a mess of myself, then learned to love it. I have fallen in love with God, time and time again...and fallen out of love with Him...only to fall back into His arms again. I have discovered His love, constant, pure, reliable. I have found His grace both for myself and for others. I have made so many mistakes, but I have learned my lessons. I know what it is to be at rock bottom and I know what it is to be on cloud nine. I know pain and I know joy.

I have found the journey to finding myself.

I am no where close to finding me entirely yet. But I do know that what I have found is pretty darn fantastic. I have scars, but they are healing. My heart was broken but it wasn't in the shape that I wanted it to be anyways. Now it looks like a cracked masterpiece again.

I am no where near where I wanted to be once I turned 20. But I am further than I thought I would be when I turned 18.

But most important thing about my teen years, I have found my wings. I have found what it means to fly. And while I fell out of the nest often, I tried again and again to fly... Now I am flying...

For my birthday all of my siblings wrote me a letter... My brother wrote the most touching letter...

Now my brother is a sweetheart down to his very core, but he doesn't really say a lot about deep stuff or life in general. I mean, he is 14, kind of expected.

But my brother told me that I always follow after God no matter what life brings.

That touched my heart. Mostly because I don't advertise about my life or my relationship with God. It isn't something that I wear on my sleeve. I don't usually burden my siblings with what life is throwing at me either.

But you don't have to scream God at everyone for them to see it. You don't have to throw your life at people to be noticed. You make an impact with what you do more than what you say. Live your life. Be yourself. You will leave a mark behind.

Love,

Kiki