Wild freedom to fly...

Lately my life has been insane.
And at first I hated it! I hated every minute of living with no plan and being so uncertain about everything. I hated not knowing details and I hated not knowing what was going on and what my future held. Days spent in stress and tears wishing for this all to be over. Complaining and taking sympathy for the way that my life was a wreck.

And now, I don't want it to end.

I don't want this chaos to end. I don't want to know what is coming. I don't want to see my future. I love this insanity. I love the adventure of not knowing what is coming next.

You see because part of me has always been wild and free. Part of my soul has always yearned to be free to fly in the wind. Somewhere deep in my being I was made of chaos and a little bit of faith.

Yet I have put myself in chains. Fear, insecurity, finances, jobs, school, car payments, doctors bills, plans, futures, more plans, failed plans, tried again plans, details... Everything that I thought would make me successful in life has made me crazy. I am literally to the point that I don't want a plan anymore. I want to be free again to dream.

You see, my chains stole my dreams. I stopped dreaming because dreams require flight and you can't fly when you are nailed to the ground. Fear of the future kept me from actually living my life.

And God knew that. So He created a crazy life for me. He threw me out of the boat and said, okay now walk on the water to me. He asked insanity of me. And it brought me freedom.

I forgot the thrill of flying. I forgot what it felt like to dream up insanity. I forgot what it was like to not have solid ground beneath your feet. I forgot the excitement in taking risks and being free.

There was always a part of me that desired to be free, that desired to be free. Free to dream and jump off cliffs, free to spin in circles if I want to.

I love chaos. I look into my eyes and I see the need for adventure. I see the hidden chaos that was there so long ago.

Wild and fierce, ready to take on the world, I feel like I have been awakened. I had a choice, hold onto to fear and lose the most important thing in the world to me, or take a leap of faith and turn my life upside down.

And I chose the later. And now, I am starting to love the fact that I am moving to another state and don't have a place to live yet. That sounds exciting to me! I love that I still don't have a set date for our wedding because when it happens, it is going to be simple and elegant and I love that. I won't have time to worry about all the stupid little details that don't really matter.

My life is now a wild venture that matches my wild soul.

God is just laughing at me...

I like control.
I like details.
I like knowing everything.

Actually...
I need control.
I need details.
I need to know everything.

My brain revolves around details.
It is how I am made.
Ask anyone who knows me, Chiarra needs details, she needs order, she needs control.

And right now, there is only chaos and stress and disorder.
There are no details that are certain.
There is nothing that I can hold onto that I know for fact.

I am basing my whole life on maybes.
Maybe we will get married then.
Maybe we will get a date then.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

God knows that I need detail.
God knows that I can only survive on control.
God knows....

And He just laughs and laughs...
...and laughs...
...and laughs some more...

He has been prying things out of my hands for a while now.
He has been trying to work on me but it isn't working out so great.
And now, I have no choice but to trust Him.

There is nothing certain.
I might be getting married in three weeks.
It might be six.

I have no idea how in the freaking world I am supposed to plan a wedding like this.
Nothing is set in stone even then.
If it is in three weeks, I might not know for a whole other week and a half...

God thinks he is so funny...
And I am angry.
He just sits in heaven laughing while I am drowning in misery.

I have no control over anything.
And God knows I need that.
But I hate every minute of it.

I hate every minute of it.
I hate every second.
I hate everything that He takes out of my hands.

But there is something I can control.
I can control who's hands I am resting in.
I can control where I run where there is only madness going around me.

I can control if I turn to God.
I can control what I allow myself to be stressed with.
I can control the main detail in my life.

I am in control.
Not because I have control.
Only because I am running to the One who is in control.