God is just laughing at me...

I like control.
I like details.
I like knowing everything.

Actually...
I need control.
I need details.
I need to know everything.

My brain revolves around details.
It is how I am made.
Ask anyone who knows me, Chiarra needs details, she needs order, she needs control.

And right now, there is only chaos and stress and disorder.
There are no details that are certain.
There is nothing that I can hold onto that I know for fact.

I am basing my whole life on maybes.
Maybe we will get married then.
Maybe we will get a date then.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

God knows that I need detail.
God knows that I can only survive on control.
God knows....

And He just laughs and laughs...
...and laughs...
...and laughs some more...

He has been prying things out of my hands for a while now.
He has been trying to work on me but it isn't working out so great.
And now, I have no choice but to trust Him.

There is nothing certain.
I might be getting married in three weeks.
It might be six.

I have no idea how in the freaking world I am supposed to plan a wedding like this.
Nothing is set in stone even then.
If it is in three weeks, I might not know for a whole other week and a half...

God thinks he is so funny...
And I am angry.
He just sits in heaven laughing while I am drowning in misery.

I have no control over anything.
And God knows I need that.
But I hate every minute of it.

I hate every minute of it.
I hate every second.
I hate everything that He takes out of my hands.

But there is something I can control.
I can control who's hands I am resting in.
I can control where I run where there is only madness going around me.

I can control if I turn to God.
I can control what I allow myself to be stressed with.
I can control the main detail in my life.

I am in control.
Not because I have control.
Only because I am running to the One who is in control.