Has anyone ever made new years resolutions? Ever got to the end of the year with them intact? Yeah me neither. That is why I started picking one word a year to focus on, whether it be a self improvement goal, or an emotional goal, or a spiritual one...Just one word to think about, ponder, strive towards, and try to integrate in every area of my life.
Last year my word was peace. I wanted to have peace in everything. I knew that deployment was coming, I knew it would be a long hard process to get there, I knew that my world had been shaken a bit and I wanted to have peace in my soul. I did not want to be upset over small things, I wanted to be able to know that it was well with my soul at every corner. That was my goal for the year. Even in the midst of battling around round of depression, I tried to strive to have peace.
And I got to November and literally felt so far away from peaceful that I could not function. I was tested right at the end of the year to see if I would have peace. Would I have peace when I had a mental break from having way too much on my plate? Would I have peace when I was being asked to work full time while trying to run my own business, deal with my husband being gone, a double dosage of my meds screwing with my brain, and a craft fair to prep for? Would I have peace through losing one of my closest friends? Would I have peace traveling home? Would I have peace to deal with the holidays? Would I have peace through family heath issues?
2017 was not a very peaceful year. I had loved ones pass on, I lost touch with friends, I had others walk out of my life, my husband was gone half of the year, a close family member struggling with major health issues...It was not a place to easily find peace.
Especially at the end. I had to fight really really hard at the end for peace. And I do feel like I ended the year in a place of peace. And it has carried through.
So when choosing this new word for 2018, I wasn't sure what to pick. I was reading in Ephesians 6 about the armor of God and one word stood out very boldly to me.
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil.
I started looking up what the word stand meant and more important what it meant to me.
The image that I have in my head is a solid place, my feet firmly planted as if they are set in cement. Like a tree that is in a hurricane, but is so strongly rooted that nothing is going to pull it out of the ground. Stand. In the face of fear, failure, sorrow, whatever this year brings. To stand and provide shelter for those around me, to stand and be a strong place for people to come and find their own peace.
And little did I know how hard that January alone would test me. Little did I know how making that choice to stand meant that everything was going to come and break me apart, knock me down and out.
It feels as if I have lived an entire year in this month alone. My soul is tired and weak.
First off I came back to my home, I left my family where I had been staying for a month. I left the constant presence of another person in the house somewhere close to me.
Then we were woken up by a missile incoming, take shelter message one Saturday. I called my family to tell them goodbye. I literally sobbed on the phone with my baby sister because I thought it was going to be my last time talking to her. My other sister started praying that God would protect me because she wasn't ready to let me go. I couldn't even get a hold of my mom because our phones were cut out and all I had was wifi. 38 minutes later they told us that it was an accident....big whoops so sorry we scared you all. People were literally putting their children into manholes and running across college campuses trying to get into a classroom without windows. I cried tears of fear that I was going to die. I cried goodbye, I am sorry that I will never see you graduate or get married or become a doctor or have kids or be a cop tears... I cried for my life.
Life altering tears. Life changing phone calls. Life shaking moments.
Then came being told that I need to see a physical therapist again. Being told that I need to look at options because all the hard work that I went through last year was undone.
Then came the government shut down and the threat of no paycheck.
Then came the tsunami warning.
Then came my husband telling me we still had no idea where we were moving.
Then came chest pain and an ER visit.
As I sat here tonight thinking that the only thing I had to be thankful about for this month was that it was one month closer to my husband being home....as I took a look at everything that January has held for me I realized,
I am being called to stand.
In the midst of this chaos, in the midst of the worst month I have had in a long time... I must stand.
Not just because it is my word and my goal for the year.
Not just because it is the right thing to do and God says so.
I must stand because there is a reason that I am being thrown down. There is a reason that I am being taken out right off the bat. There is a reason that I don't know yet that I need to be on my feet and ready for.
So as this month comes to a close, I am picking myself up from where life hit me full force. I am planting my feet. I am looking forward and telling the rest of the year, "Is that all you got for me?"
Because no matter what happens, I know the One who will give me the strength to stand in the midst of it all.
