You are being quiet, are you okay? You really should talk more. Get into the conversation. Why are you so quiet? You need to speak right now. Cody, you need to take your wife home cause she is tired and bored. You look bored.
All things I heard last night. And things I hear a lot. They don't bug me usually.
I don't care that I'm quiet. I don't care when people point it out. But I do care when people are abrasive about it, sometimes without realizing it.
I am quiet when I'm around people. Social interactions are not my thing. More than like two people and I start to internalize.
Nothing is wrong. I'm not trying to be rude or stuck up or mean. I just have nothing to say.
Why?
Not because I don't have words to say... But I think something and then I have to run it over in my head a couple times to make sure its okay to say, that it won't upset or offend someone. I wanna make sure its taken the right way, and said with the right grammar. I want to make sure you understand what I'm trying to convey...
And by the time I have something perfected in my head, we are three topics down the road and it doesn't matter anymore.
So I quit trying to reply to conversations, I just listen. And I'm content listening. Cause its better that way, I'm not all up in my head freaking out about the three things I missed while I was taking 5 minutes to respond to your first thought.
Please know I'm not being rude, and if I am, just tell me. I don't have to speak to be having a good time.
Most of the time I am trying to calm my racing thoughts... Because there are too many things going on.
Last night for example, there were two conversations going on at once the whole night, I'm getting caught in the middle. I can't keep up with both, and talk, and try not to have an anxiety attack...
My husband got to witness my first outward anxiety attack around him the other night. And it did not make me feel good. Usually I hide when I'm having one, or I can talk myself out of it. But not this time.
See we were talking about something very important to us both and I was crying and not the pretty cry either...the I've been holding this in for months while you've been gone cry, where snot is running down your face and every inch of your face and neck is wet. Well when that happens to me, my nose stuffs up and I cannot breathe through it. And bam. Anxiety attack. Freaking out. Hyperventilating. Can't think. Can't breathe. Panic that I can't breathe. Can't breathe even more. What if I die? I am dying. I can't breathe. I need to move. What will help me? I don't know. Can't think. Something has to help. Do something you are dying! You stupid idiot you should not be dealing with this in front of your husband. Hide. Now. Breathe. Hide then breathe. No only breathe. Deal with him later. Breathe damn it. Breathe. Now. I need air.
My husband is a fixer. He has to fix a problem. He has to have a solution. "What can I do?" I didn't know what to tell him.
I don't even know what to tell me.
So he starts playing me a song and singing to me. My favorite song and his voice. He was being himself. And it helped. It gave me something else to focus on. I could calm down enough to breathe again.
But I was so embarrassed, it is demeaning. To literally not be able to control your own mind and thoughts.
You don't want people to witness when your inner demons get a hold of you too tightly.
You feel weak.
And powerless.
And completely drained.
And that's what I'm trying to avoid when I'm being quiet. The panic. The uncontrollable fits. The spasms.
Because I don't want people thinking any less of me. I don't want people thinking that I'm any less of a person. Or that something is wrong with me.
And what I want least of all is the pity.
I don't want your pity. But I want your understanding.
And not just for me.
I want you to be aware that the people around you might be struggling with the same things. I want you to know that being quiet doesn't mean someone is upset always. I want you to know what its like on our end so that you can help the person in your life who is like me.
And I want you to know, if you are like me, you are not alone. You are not a freak of nature. You are perfectly normal. There is nothing wrong with you. Let me say that again... There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You. This is all your sickness talking.
So to those who don't deal with this, I don't share for sympathy. I share so you can help someone else in your life.
And those who do deal with this, I share so you can have a voice when you cannot speak for yourself.
And to those dolls out there (Nicole, this was you...) who get it and help me through it and don't expect anything more or less of me, thank you. Its not enough what you do for me. But I love you for it.
Be brave my lovelies. And be quiet if you must. And don't worry if you aren't speaking. You do you. The rest of the world might understand one day.
