The world got dark. I lost control of myself. And I shut down. I didn't want the world to know my struggles. But now I am ready to shine light on what depression is like. I think it is necessary to know if you don't deal with it and if you do. If you are not depressed it will help you understand and if you are it will help you know that you are not alone.
What is depression? Why do people become suicidal? Why do they give up hope?
Depression is not a feeling, it is having no feeling at all. It is being so empty that you cannot find energy to do anything. It is watching your world go black, panicking because you don't know how to find the light again. It is not taking pictures of yourself for 3 months straight because you can see the death behind your eyes and it makes you feel like a monster. Someone else is living inside your body, someone who is slowing killing you minute by minute.
It is eating fast food every single day because you know you have to eat but you have no desire to cook. When you do manage to cook, the dishes sit in the sink for weeks because there is no way that you can muster the strength to wash them. It is not getting out of bed for weeks straight because you don't want to move at all. It is not wanting to go out and do anything because the house is safe and it takes no extra effort.
It is literally hating every part of yourself because you think that there is a problem with you. How dare you be sad, how dare you be struggling, how dare you feel this way. You hate that you are the way that you are and you have nothing left to change it. You cannot breathe in without realizing that you are drowning.
It is like standing on the edge of a cliff and praying that a gust of wind doesn't push you over. It is losing control of your ability to rationally think.
You feel like a burden to everyone, so you don't talk about it. You are buried 8 feet deep and dying minute by minute but the world still moves forward without you. That makes you loathe yourself in a way that I cannot describe. Depression causes you to close off from people because you don't have the energy to explain it and they probably wouldn't know what to say. There is so many scary thoughts running through your head, will someone truly stick around if they knew what you were thinking? Thoughts like, "I could run my car into that tree and die. I could use this knife and slit my wrist. I have a headache, maybe I will take the whole bottle of pills instead of two."
Why am I still here if I contribute nothing to the world? Why should I still be alive if all I bring is pain and darkness? Everything you touches seems to turn black under your touch. You are the angel of death it seems, killing every little piece of joy around.
Depression causes you to need your spouse. And not be able to give them much in return. It is constant mood swings and instant irritation at the littlest things. You can't do their laundry or smile when they walk in the door.
You feel as if you are causing all the problems. All the fights, all the stress, all the burden you put on them. You are causing them so much grief and sorrow... And you can't fix it. And that turns into deep seeded anger towards yourself.
So you hurt yourself because you hate yourself to much. Your anger bubbles over and suddenly there is a knife at your skin and you have no control over how much blood you draw. You lay in bed digging a hole in the skin on your arm with your fingernails, all while your spouse is laying right next to you in bed. It is hiding that for days because there is so much shame that you feel, you know they will blame themselves and it isn't their fault.
None of this is anyone's fault. Except your own. Or so you feel.
You start anti-depressants, only to have the world spin completely out of control. Every demon that you have comes out screaming and there is nothing you can do. There is no feeling quite like not being in control. Anxiety brought on by depression is horrible. You already want to die, so when you feel like you are dying, you just want it to be over with. It is terrifying knowing that you have lost any sense of reason. And who knows what you will do to yourself next time it happens.
The wrong medication is hell on earth. It throws you even further down a rabbit hole than you want to even know. It makes your depression so bad you can barely cope... I lost my mind.
And the whole time, my husband is doing everything he can to understand and help... But there isn't much he can do. That is discouraging to you both. It comes with many nights of uncontrollable actions, and panic attacks, and sobbing so hard you cannot breathe with no way to stop or calm yourself down.
It is when you go to dinner with your husband's new friend and his wife and you can't explain that you are not drinking with them because you are afraid the alcohol will react to your meds and you will lose control again. It is that awkward conversation of....Hi, I am prone to random psychotic breaks right now, it is nice to meet you, I might lose my mind in a few minutes or an hour. There is a reason why I rarely left the house... You don't want others to experience that.
I read on a Humans of New York picture about a girl describing her miscarriage and what she said describes how I feel completely...
.....I don't want to talk about it but I want everyone to understand.....
You don't want anyone to know what is going on... But you want them to understand. You need them to understand. But you cannot form the words to make them grasp what you are struggling with.
I am doing better. I switched medication and I finally feel like I am recovering. I am smiling again. I am taking pictures again. I am getting out of my house. I am cooking and cleaning again. I am doing okay.
But okay is still rocky. Okay is still scary. I might be more stable, but it doesn't mean that I am off the cliff yet. I am still hanging on though. Some days are worse than others. But every day is a victory if I make it to the end alive. I have what it takes now to reach out when I need to. I can pick up the phone and call someone now. I have a wonderful friend who I can go stay at her house if needed in the middle of the night... I have help. But I only have help because I reached out.
If depression is a monster that you cannot outrun either, please reach out. Please talk to someone. Get help. Don't let it get this bad before you ask for a hand to hold. You are not weak. You are not a burden. You are not the problem.
Depression is a fight that most people fight alone... Let's find our voice and scream if we must for help.
