You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior.
Tonight I found a blog of a wonderful mother of three children. I have never met a woman so real. And I have not had my soul touched in such a way in a very long time. She writes posts on how it is difficult to remain humble in worship when we feel like we have it all together, or on how she can barely get her children to bed, or how her heart broke when she learned that her twin boys did better if they were bottle fed at night instead of nursed. She is real. And she wrote a blog post about this song... Oceans. God's unending call on my life right at this moment.
Let me tell you a bit about how my night is going... Well actually my week.
Last week my love left for a while. We usually have email. But for whatever reason someone decided to be an idiot and send out the wrong information and everyone might be getting punished for it. And now we may never get to email each other when he is gone again. That is literally the only thing that has kept me going. Since mid-August we have had 7 weeks now of him being gone and about 3ish weeks of him able to talk to me on the phone. In that time we have fought and argued, loved each other with everything in us, cried and cried many tears (okay I mainly did the crying), screamed at the cruelty of life and the military (yeah, that was me too), got engaged, tried to get his leave approved for our wedding, got his leave dates, lost his leave dates, trusted God, watched Him come through for us, got angry that it wasn't in the time frame that we wanted (uh yeah it was me getting angry...), felt stupid for being angry when God showed up (yup, you guessed it me again), cried, broke, found our way back, cried again, poured out our hearts and fears, loved, healed each other, grew in knowledge and understanding, prayed for miracles, reminded each other to trust God (more like my love reminding me to trust God). We have been under pressure and honestly I have broken more than I have been able to stand. But guess what, that is freaking okay. But this week has been exceedingly hard. I have got only 2 emails all week and each time I feel my heart sink every single time I check the stupid thing.
I just miss him.
This is not who I am. I am not cut out for this sort of thing.
My love language is: QUALITY TIME!
What the @*(^$*&#^(@*^&#$*&^#&@*&# were you thinking God???
This last week I had my bridal shower... Without him around to talk about it afterwards. I have planned everything without him. I have walked this journey without him. All of my friends want to meet him, want to know him, want to know what he is like, want to ask me questions. And I just want to sit down and cry. I know that no one I love knows this wonderful man who would give anything for me. It breaks my heart how many people talk about me behind my back because they don't understand. It makes me beyond angry when even my doctor says, you guys are young, sure you don't want to wait? No, no I don't. I hate people for asking me if I have a date yet for our wedding. I want to tell them to go jump off a building because it makes me so stressed and frustrated. I want to tell everyone that if they don't walk in my shoes they should back up heck up and leave me alone. I am so tired of feeling like I am bearing the weight of everyone's judgement on me because I am making a choice that seems crazy. Family, friends, co-workers, all trying to tear me down, tear us apart.
And I am about fed up with it. To be perfectly honest.
I am tired of defending myself to people who claim to love me. I am tired of feeling like I need to prove them wrong.
This is my life. Welcome to it.
On top of everything else, I am sick. My immune system couldn't take it anymore and quit. I am so sick that the doctor told me to stay home from work until Friday. FRIDAY!! What the heck am I supposed to do at home until Friday?? UGH! Good thing I need to use up sick leave before I move. Oh yeah did I mention that I am moving across the globe? Yup.
So as I sit here tonight, I feel crushed on all sides. I feel like I cannot honestly go on. How am I supposed to get up in the morning and pretend to be okay? The right side of my head feels like it is going to explode from sinus pressure and I honestly barely feel it because my heart is literally bleeding out. That is what it feels like. I feel like I cannot do this.
A couple months ago God asked me to walk on water. He asked me if I would get out of my comfort zone and walk on water knowing that I am leaving behind everyone's support and acceptance in the boat.
You see it is such a simple story. Jesus learns that his cousin was beheaded, then He feeds 5,000 people and then He needs to be alone to pray. He tells His men to get in a boat, knowing already that a storm was going to come up against them. But He waited until dawn to walk towards them. And they think it is a ghost. After all Jesus has done, they think it is a ghost. Peter says, Lord if its truly You, then tell me to come to You. Jesus says, Come. That's it. Come. Not have faith, don't doubt me, keep your eyes up, here is how to pray, here is the faith you will need. He doesn't give Peter a manual of the ten steps of being ready to get out of the boat and then the How to Walk on Water 101. Jesus says Come. Knowing full well that Peter will sink. Jesus knew before He asked Peter to get out of the boat that he would lose faith and fear would get a hold of him and he would start to sink.
When Jesus told Peter to get out of the boat, it never says that Jesus stopped the storm. In fact it says that the storm didn't stop until they stepped foot back in the boat.
Peter had to get out of the boat in the middle of a raging storm.
That is how I feel right now.
Here I am, little ole' me. Crawling out of the side of a boat of safety into a storm. Little five-foot-something 110 pound me is having to get out into a storm that is blowing around a freaking boat! And that storm is raging against me to the point that I can barely breathe. I am drowning. Or so it feels. But would Jesus ever really let you drown?
Jesus said, "Come." Knowing that I didn't have the strength or the faith to walk all the way to Him. He called me into the unknown, literally. Unknown of when I would move my entire life to another place across the ocean, unknown of when our wedding would be, unknown of where we would live. A woman who survives on detail, knows nothing. Literally nothing about her future. Besides that Jesus said to come and there is a huge storm going on. And guess what?
My feet are failing me. I am sinking. I am crying and dying inside because of the weight of the water that is swallowing me up. The wind is blowing me over and knocking me into the waves. The waves are making a current that keeps me from pulling my head up to grasp for air. And that is right where His grace is abounding, where He pulls me above it all to remind me that He has a plan. That He knows how to stop the storm, that He controls the chaos.
God controls the chaos.
Let that sink into your heart my love when you cannot breathe because you are walking on water in a storm. Let that be a reminder to you when you are overwhelmed with planning a wedding alone and figuring out details without having any of them. Let that remind you when you cannot breathe because missing your man is the hardest thing you have ever had to do. Let that give you peace when you are walking across the unknown, unsure of whatever sea monster lurks below the surface ready to eat you.
God controls the chaos.
I don't have to. I don't have to control the storm. I don't even have to worry about the storm. I don't have to worry about anything.
God controls the chaos.
All He asks is for me to come. Bring nothing but my tiny faith that will fail me. Bring no plan of action, bring no great and wonderful water skis or flotation device. Just simply come. With nothing but myself. Why? Because God has the rest of it taken care of. He has the storm taken care of, He has the saving hand when I start to drown, He has the boat at the end taken care of. God has it in the bag.
He asks me to walk this beautiful adventure for many reasons. One thing for certain is, He is keeping me humble. I cannot say at all through any of this that I have been okay by myself. Whether He has taught me to rely on other people, or to trust Him, or to trust my man, He has stripped everything out of my hand to give Him all the glory.
I am not in control of anything. And it is so chaotic I can't even think properly sometimes. Sometimes the din of the chaos is so loud that I can't even hear my screams at night. I am sure this post is full of error because I can barely see through the hot tears that are literally pouring down my face every sentence I write. But I am going to let it go.
Because maybe Jesus wants to back float on the water with me for a while. Maybe Jesus wants to swim around for a bit in the storm.
Either way, He has a plan. Not me. I do not have a plan anymore.
Am I stressed? You betcha! But does it matter? Nope! God has a plan. This storm is serving a purpose somehow.
Because He never failed me and He won't start now.
God controls the chaos.
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