Love stays...

Here comes my sappy sad post...

Today I said goodbye, again, to my love. This has not been easy, it probably never will be. Love isn't meant to be easy. It is meant to go through fire. Love is not for the faint of heart. Love is a battle. It is a battle of the past, the present, and the future. It is fighting against what has brought you down before and fighting for what is keeping you going now. It is breaking down walls and barriers, it is becoming intimate and free with one another to to share the deepest darkest secrets... Love is a battle. It can either wound you or heal you.

I was writing a letter last night for Cody to read on his plane home and the notebook that I was writing in was also one that I had written random poems and my thoughts in a few summers ago...

And let me tell you, it was not pretty.

It was full of hatred towards love and many colorful words. It was not a place of hope. I hated love. I hated what it did to me. I wanted nothing to do with it.

And oh have I changed. Let me tell you, I have changed. I am so thankful for that change... And it was only brought about by love.

Love is the only thing that healed me. Love is the only thing that makes fear go away. Love is the only way to release hatred and anger. Love, pure and true.

And that is what I have. I have a love that no matter what happens, no matter what I do, no matter what life brings, it stays.

Love stays.

This is a difficult relationship. It is lonely and sad sometimes. Okay I lied, most of the time it is lonely. It is not easy, it is not a piece of cake. But it is more than worth it.

This past weekend was rough for me, I was terrified of what the future held for us. I am walking into 5 years of dark abyss it feels like. Time spent alone and by myself, for a long while... and that is terrifying. I was preparing myself for him to walk out on this relationship. I always prepare myself for everyone to leave. And this time was no different. I pushed away and I hid in fear... Even though I pulled away and shut down completely, love stayed. Right by my side, patiently and silently waiting to pull me back into his arms. You would think by now I would stop pulling away from him, but nope, I am still stupid and do it all the time.

And guess what, no matter what I do, love stays. Right next to me. Holding my hand even when I can't feel it. Love waits for me to open up again. Love doesn't run away when I am being difficult. Love loves me. Period. No questions asked or conditions applied.

And it makes me cry sometimes thinking about how I do not deserve to be loved so unconditionally and fully. How much love Cody gives me is more than I can bear.

And God still loves me more... That blows my mind. God never leaves, He stays no matter how many times we push Him away, say we hate Him, disobey, He stays right there. He doesn't walk away. He doesn't move. He stays and He loves.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Love stays. No matter what. No matter the pain and tears that came with saying goodbye for who knows how long. No matter the fear of the unknown and a lonely future. No matter the distance and the price that is paid for the little bit of time spent together. No matter what, love stays. It endures. It gets knocked down, it gets back up. It fights and then it mends. It becomes weak and brittle, then it makes itself stronger.

Love is a force that cannot be reckoned with. It is powerful enough to cross oceans and countries. It is strong enough to break through mountains and climb over walls.

Love never fails. Love never leaves. Love keeps on going. No. Matter. What.

So here is a toast to love. Our love. My blessing. Here is a toast to distance and heartache. Here is a toast to being alone while being together. Here is a toast to nights spent crying for minutes spent kissing. Here is a toast to love that crosses the miles and succeeds. Here is a toast to love that stays no matter what I do, no matter the disagreements we have, no matter the sacrifices that must be made. Here is a toast to love, plain and simple.