This post is going to make a lot of people angry. I don't care.
I have been struggling hard core lately with things that I am finding have warped how I view love, beauty and myself. One of those lies is...
You must be modest because if you are not, men will think bad thoughts about you.
From the time I was in Rainbows we had a dress code. Shorts longer than finger length, no sleeveless shirts, skirts at knee length, the front of your shirt had to be no lower than a hand width from your collar bone.
Why? Cause we want to protect boys from thinking wrong things. Bad thoughts. Dirty things. You take your pick in words there.
Every time I have been taught about modesty it has been warped into a horrid view. A view that seems harmless and partially true. But it holds a HUGE impact on women later on in life.
Let me preface this next portion by saying, I am all for modesty. I love modesty. I am modest. I love being modest. But being modest because if we aren't boys will think bad thoughts is the most damaging thing that we could ever associate with modesty. Here is what I have found in the dark places in my soul, hiding in the shadows, keeping me in bondage from truly being free.
First, boys are nasty creatures who can't control their minds. Every time a boy looks at you, he is being perverted. Men are not capable of appreciating your beauty without thinking dirty, wrong, and bad thoughts. Men are animals that we have to contain with keeping our bodies hidden from their ravenous eyes.
Second, we are responsible for their "wicked" thinking. You, as a woman, are responsible for what men are thinking. You are a stumbling block if you are immodest. You are the reason, the problem. Your body is a bad thing that causes men to sin. You are the cause of sin in men. If you dress in a way that is attractive and provocative, you are responsible for every bad thing that goes through every single man's mind that sees you. Their lust is your fault.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, dirty, gross, sinful, lust, disgust... You. A woman. You cause these things.
When we tell girls and women that they have to cover their bodies for the purpose of not causing men to sin we are telling them that their body is sinful. News flash!!! God made the woman's body. And He made it naked. Shocker there. Why? Cause sex is needed. Its crucial, its important. Its how you are reading this right now. The world survives on sex. God made sex. He didn't make it a dirty act, He made it enjoyable. Yup, grab your stones and throw them at me for saying that, I don't care. God made sex and I can't wait to enjoy it after I am married. And my body is going to be sexy, and my hubby is gonna want to have sex with me. And there is nothing wrong with that. NOTHING. Sex is healthy, it is normal, it isn't bad or dirty, or shameful. You don't need to hide it. That is what sin did to us, made us think that sex was dirty. Adam and Eve hid their nakedness from God...even though He was the one who formed them to be the way they were. Naked and attracted to each other.
Second, men are responsible for their thoughts. Period. If a man is lustful, it is not a woman's fault. Their brain, their thoughts, their sin. My body is not the cause of sin, sin is the cause of sin. Sinful nature, lustful thoughts, that is sin. Not my body. Yeah, I am not about to go push up my boobs and wear shorts that show my entire butt. But not because boys are nasty creatures who have blackened minds. Boys are capable of looking at a woman without lust. Boys are not animals and we must stop putting it in their minds that they are. Also we need to stop telling that to girls. Men are not to be feared. Every man's mind is not full of lust 100% of the time. They are intelligent and wonderful creatures as well.
Why can't we teach modesty for the right reasons? Why do we have teach it in a way that puts fear and shame as the reason?
Instead why don't we teach girls to be modest because they are beautiful? Why don't we teach them that it is far more sexy to leave more to the imagination? Why don't we teach modesty because we as women should respect ourselves and our bodies?
Modesty to me is no longer about boys and their "bad" thoughts. I am not to be an object that needs to be hidden. I am a beautiful woman with a gorgeous body that God gave me. But I am more than my body. I am more than a bad thought in a boy's mind. I am modest because I respect myself and my brain enough to know that I am more than my sexiness. I don't need to flaunt what the good Lord gave me because I am confident enough to cover it up and know that I am still hot stuff.
If I want respect then I must present my body in a way that demands respect.
But if one day I wear a cute skirt that is a bit above my knees, I don't want to be considered a slut.
If one day my wonderful. loving husband tells me that I have a hot body, I don't want my first instinct to be to cover in fear that he is lusting after me.
Modesty is about respecting your body as a woman.
Modesty is about knowing that you are beautiful without showing every part of your body.
well said. I could not agree more. I grew up in the church where modesty and abstinence were all that was discussed when the topic of sex came up and with the attitude of sin, lust and wrongness just as you mentioned. I abstained until I was married. After I got married those feelings of sin, lust and wrongness didn't just go away, for years they were ingrained in me and I didn't know what to do with them when now sex was supposed to be ok, but what exactly did that now mean, it was ok? This struggle lasted for years and almost cost me my marriage. My husband and I struggled and fought over the topic for years.
ReplyDeleteMy story is shared by many other women who also grew up ingrained with the same message. I pray that I can raise my girls with a healthy view of modesty and sex and do not have to go through the trials many Christian women struggle with. I hope my girls have strong women like you who will speak truth into their lives.
Agreed :) though I had a healthier view than most conservatives, I have still struggled to let go of certain instincts after getting married.
ReplyDeleteAmen and hallelujah! LOVE this post. I love the WHYs behind your choice for modesty. I love that you acknowledge and celebrate the beauty of a woman's body and the joy of sex in marriage. It's why I flirt with my husband in front of my children and make them roll their eyes. I want them to see that the full expression of married love is a gift to desire and worth treasuring for a special relationship with their eventual spouse. Besides, it's fun. lol As a mother of boys I also really appreciate your comments about men. My sons are not animals with no self-control or filter. I do, however, as a mom of boys appreciate women who respect themselves and their bodies. While I believe men and women are wired differently, with men more visual than women, I do not believe that puts all the responsibility on a woman to help the poor man. I believe even this difference is to be celebrated. In marriage, ladies, it's a lot of fun when your hubby is visual--and the other ways I'm wired brings a completeness to our intimacy journey, not just sexual, but in all areas. Bravo for this post.
ReplyDelete