Advice for two...

Everything that has happened in my life has shaped me into who I am today. And not all of that is a good thing.

I am realizing now more than ever before that everything that has happened to me effects me forever.

And that is causing issues.

It is a very personal story but the basics are that someone that I was "dating" tried to push me past where I was comfortable going physically in a relationship and it is coming back to haunt me.

Subconsciously.

I shut down when Cody does certain things because of what happened that night. So simple. That deuce bag probably doesn't even remember what he did. But what he did stuck a thumb print on me for the rest of my life. 

And we can sit here and say that I need to get over it, it happened forever ago, move on. But the reality is, things aren't that easy. It isn't like it is a cold. This was something that changed my life forever. It may have happened forever ago but it still happens every time my husband touches me the same way. My mind can't handle it. My body can't figure out what is going on.

It is an unsafe move paired with a safe person. It has no idea what to make of it.

So it shuts off. And I got tired of it.

So I told my husband. He already knew what had happened but he needed to know that it was still going on in my head. And it was the hardest thing that I ever said out loud. It is like saying something you are doing is reminding me of my past and I don't know how to fix it. Sorry I am a screwed up mess. Want me to make you some dinner?

After it was out there I had no idea how to move the conversation from there. There was silence that ate the air between us. Neither of us had words or a plan for how to fix this.

What are you thinking?

That I want to kill him. I am mad that he took something so perfect and made you doubt that you were worth more than that. If I ever meet him...

My husband said something though in this conversation that was mind blowing.

I don't know how to work through this. I don't know what the next step is. I could give you advice before because it was hind sight advice. Now I am not only giving you advice, but I am giving advice to two of us. I am advising my family now.

Advice for two... What an incredible thought is that? I don't know maybe it is just me but that was an incredible thought to me. 

I am now a family. I have my own family. I have another person that is apart of me. We are two people that act and move as one unit. Everything effects both of us.

And that makes everything in me feel so safe. I am not alone. I have been alone for as long as I can remember and finally, I have someone that is directly effected by everything.

And I love advice for two. We may not know how to heal and move forward but I do know this...

I am not doing it on my own.

Love, Kiki

Ps. I am so blessed.... I wrote this blog with this view!!