Monster on the other side...

Wedding is about two weeks away...

And I have lost my sanity...

I seriously haven't been able to even write. I start a post and then it doesn't make any sense at all and I can't stand it. Or I feel like I am just complaining and whining....

And honestly, I may be stressed, but I have no reason to complain!!

But today I was sending an email to my future husband (I love saying that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I said something to him that completely struck a blog post nerve. So here it goes, hopefully I can make this make sense.

Lately I have been feeling like a lot of my life has come to a close. Every time I do something, I am reminded that it might be the last time that I do that something with that person again for a really long while. I am going to be losing everything that I hold dear very soon and that scares me. It is scary to countdown all the days that you have until you leave a place that you have called home for your entire life.

Last weekend I read a post about what to do when your best friend is moving away... And it said something in there that I didn't like. It said talk about it. Talk about the fact that everything is changing. Talk about the fact that you don't have much time left. Confront it and talk it through.

UGH!! I would much rather pretend that it isn't happening. I would much rather pretend that I am not leaving everything behind, that I won't be around for everything. I hate thinking about the fact that I am not going to see my sister play a basketball game, or the fact that I won't get to see my brother's first girlfriend. I won't be around when Dee picks out a college. I am leaving them behind for a brand new life.

And yeah sure there is Skype and phone calls and texting...But that isn't a hug when they are crying. That isn't a way to pester them for information on their love life like every older sister has a right to do. There is no way to be their protective older sister, when I am an ocean away...

And that bothers me. A lot.

Everything is coming to a close. I am leaving my job, leaving my church, leaving my friends, leaving everything. I am closing doors left and right. I am packing things into suitcases and preparing to completely close the door to my life in Colorado.

You know what the most scary part of that is? Opening the next door. Stepping into a new life, a new place, a new house.

I don't know what is behind that door. I don't know if I will open the door to find a huge scary monster that is going to eat me alive. I don't know if I will open that door to find out that I am in the sky with no way down. I don't know if I will open that door to a big black hole.

And when I open that door, there is no closing it and going back to the other one. At that point I will have to face whatever is on the other side. Whether it eats me or not.

I may have to skydive out of a door to reach the earth again. (I said that is one thing that I will never ever in my life do...) I may have to fight off a monster. I may have to fall down a big black until I reach Wonderland.

But you know what came to my mind today? I am not the one opening the door.

I am not the one who is going to push the door open.

God is the one opening the doors. He is going to pick which door is right to open.

And....

He already knows what is behind that door.

I may not know what the next door hides behind it, but God does. God is opening it, I just have to walk through it. And I know that whatever is on the other side of the door, is what He wants me to deal with.

Who knows, He might surprise me with a beautiful land filled of tropical flowers and oceans and tans. ;)

Love, A No Longer Terrified Almost Bride