When it rains...

This is a really sad post... I am sorry for the depressing material but I have just spent the last hour crying and can't bring myself to be fake and pretend to be happy.

I finally got to the point of trusting God, just going with the flow and letting God take care of everything.

And then today happened...

Started with a check engine light last night. Great.
So I called into work and then in the morning I called the mechanic. He couldn't get me in until the afternoon. So I laid around and watched some movies and snuggled with the dog... Get a call from the mechanic, you can come over now. Get there and I wait around for the diagnostic on the car...for almost 2.5 hours... Still no word. So I call him and he says, probably be another hour, which in mechanic language means two-three hours. So I call my mom to come rescue my frozen butt...

Get a call from the mechanic around 6:45... The repairs are going to cost thousands of dollars.

I. Don't. Have. Thousands. Of. Dollars.

I am trying to pay for a wedding and move in a month. That just isn't in the budget... And I need a car. For a month!!! This couldn't have happened in a month when I didn't need the stupid thing???

As I am on the phone with the mechanic trying not to completely lose it, God asks, "Do you trust me?"

My first thought, "Are you freaking kidding me right now????? You are seriously going to ask me that."

You see, my trust in Him lasts until I truly have no way of doing it on my own. Then my faith wavers. My faith is gone when I can't accomplish what is put in front of me.

I feel like I was doing really good and then the devil goes and throws my life off and screams at me, "So where is your god now??"

Why does he target me? Why does everything happen all at once??

I have been holding it together really well the past couple weeks, not stressed or overwhelmed just kind of riding with the flow...and then the tornado hit.

I broke into a million pieces... I lost it tonight.

My little baby sister was crying tonight and both Dee and I were able to crawl into bed and just be there for her. I don't know why she was crying, she will tell me on her own time. But I just laid there and started crying...

I am leaving.

Just let that sink in. I am moving away from my family. I won't be able to be there when my siblings are having a bad day and need some cuddle time. I won't be around for them when people break their hearts. I won't be able to comfort them and hold them while they cry.

I left her room and my heart fell apart. I can't stop crying even as I write this so please excuse the spelling or grammar errors, I really can't see the screen.

I was doing so well, and then my world crashed and I fell along with it.

I am strong. But once that strength is gone, I am completely undone.

I am grateful after everything happens, but during it I am so annoyed.

God knows exactly what I need. Not what I want. What I need.

I had become confident in my ability. I had become comfortable in knowing that I could do this. I got to a point that I thought I was okay and God fell into the background.

God doesn't want to be background noise. He wants to be a whisper in our ear. He wants to be that voice that is right next to us every step of the way.

And the only way I hear His voice is if my world has fallen apart and I am standing in the rubble. I can't hear his voice with everything going perfect. I am a total wreck right now. I have fallen apart.

Not only do I desperately need people, but I desperately need God. I have to reach out to people now because I don't have strength. I don't have what it takes...

God knows I will do this all on my own if given the choice. But He has forced me to the point that I need Him and the people He has given me. I love God, but I hate that I don't rely on Him unless He strips everything from my hands...

So here is my broken self. Here is the side of me that absolutely hates feeling like she is abandoning her siblings when they need her love the most. Here is the me that I can barely breathe from all the stress and sadness... Here is the me that wants to curl into a ball and rewind the world to when I was five and playing Polly Pockets with Dee...

I don't want this chapter in my life to be over. It hurts to turn the page...

God please tell me You have a plan for this pain cause if not, my heart is being crushed for no reason.

Love, Almost A Bride