Messy marriage...

I wrote this during our first week of marriage but we didn't have internet to post it....so here you go!

So being married is hard.

Haha you expected that right? I expected it to be super hard.

I mean come on, you are trying to live with someone you just said you loved like a week ago. You promised until death do us part…and then you want to make their death come sooner than planned because they just dumped their wallet in the middle of the bedroom floor. Come on! Can’t you see that I am trying to make this room clean?

And then it makes you even crazier when the other people in your apartment are super loud and play their music at 11 at night!! I am trying to sleep here ya retards!!!

And then do you like the same foods? Are you going to be able to handle the fact that you can’t make stuffed bell peppers cause they don’t like bell peppers? Or maybe you are going to break into an argument in the middle of the store because he wants to buy a navy blue rug for your black colored bathroom. Maybe you will get stressed about money and flip out on him for buying something that you don’t see as completely necessary. Maybe you will realize that you can’t communicate to save your life and lock yourself in the bathroom because you were going to blow up if you don’t get some space. Maybe you will put on something sexy and walk in to find your lover asleep and your heart will break a little inside, despite the fact that you have both been up since 5am and been on a plane all day long.

But maybe your love will wake up and follow you to the porch that you went to sit and cry on. Maybe he will hold you and cry with you about how much you miss your family. Maybe he will force you to talk to him even though you have shut down completely. Maybe he will lead you into your completely bare living room and he will ask you to dance with him (even though he can’t dance to save his life).

I am tired of being underneath this blanket of what I have to be and what I have to feel. I am tired of thinking that I have to be perfect. I am tired of feeling like I have to have the perfect relationship and that everyone has to approve of everything that we do. I am tired of feeling like I have to be a certain person to be loved… If you feel like you can judge me based on my struggle, then let me tell you, I don't give a crap. Judge away but the best things in life require hard work and dedication.

I realized that I don’t even know what I want sometimes. I was picking out Christmas towels yesterday and I literally could not pick one. Not cause I wanted them all, just cause I didn’t know what I wanted. I avoided the Santa ones because my family doesn’t really include Santa in their celebrations. Then I realized that I lived alone now so I could get the Santa one if I wanted to, I could make my own choice. But I didn’t like the Santa one. So I found an owl one, it was cute but didn’t match our kitchen colors. So I went with the snowman one because it went with our kitchen colors the best. It was what I “should have picked.” UGH!

Then I woke up today and realized that I didn’t want to get out of bed. And I didn’t have to. Except that I had to get shopping done and clean the apartment. And I didn’t want to get pulled into a depression so I got up and went out and did things. I hate driving here, literally hate it. Shopping is even worse. So busy and I can’t find anything because Hawaiians couldn’t organize a store properly if they tried. I will NEVER again complain about a Walmart in Colorado again.

So anyways I start driving to this dollar store so I can try and find Tupperware and some other stuff. My GPS tells me the wrong street name so I turn and I shouldn’t have… So I am on the totally wrong highway, but oh well I will get there anyways…

As I am driving on this highway I start thinking about everything. My heart feels so heavy… I miss home, I miss Cody who has been gone for a while now. I start to feel sorry for myself. I didn’t even get to enjoy one week of being married before he had to leave. And now I am all alone in a place that I don’t even know. We live in a very busy part of town and I am not adjusting well to “city” life. I start thinking about how tonight is the Christmas party for the youth group, and how next week is Christmas. I feel so alone, so out of the loop. I don’t know where anything is, or what I should be doing, or how to not look like a tourist and fit in. I start to cry when I look up and realize that I am driving through the most breath taking valley I have ever seen. So full of tropical trees you can barely see that you are in a valley. And then the trees break and you see the glorious view. It literally took my breath away. I have not been in awe of something like that for a very long time.

And it was the most perfect reminder that the valley can be beautiful too. I don’t have to be on the mountain top to be beautiful. I don’t have to be the best wife, I don’t have to have anything together. I can be stunning in my valley. I can take people’s breath away right where I am at. I don’t need to be this beautiful beach or this great mountain top view or anything. I can be a valley and be just as breath taking.

I am beautiful right where I am. With my messy hair, messy heart, messy feelings, messy marriage, messy life. I am beautiful right here. Right where I am. God has a plan. He had a plan with my stupid GPS taking me that way, He had a plan to make me look out the window right when I did. He knew that I needed this to be my life. Without my life being messy, I wouldn’t need Him. The second that I think I have it together I will forget my God. I need Him. I can’t make this marriage work without him. I can’t make this move work without him. I can’t make anything work without Him. I can’t stay out of depression without him. I need Him more than I need my next breath. I need to feel Him next to me and the only way that happens is if my heart is open to Him.

Best way to have an open heart towards God is to have a broken heart. Broken hearts are all sorts of open to Him.

So here is to my messy wonderful marriage! Bring it on world!