What I said was...

Okay so yesterday I had said that I was a beautiful person and I loved myself and blah blah blah... You can go look at it if you want proof...

Well by the time I made it to 8pm, I wasn't feeling so beautiful.

And I lost it.

I started yelling at Cody for whatever reason that I was upset (I don't remember half of the things that I was mad about). Not only was I yelling at him, every time he would try to say something I would just say nevermind, or don't worry about it, or its whatever it doesn't matter.

And why?

Because I don't think I deserve for you to make it better. I don't think that I am valued enough to be fixed by you. I don't think that I am of enough worth to accept an apology.

But oh can I give them! I swear I say I am sorry more than I say my own name...

I am sorry I am being such a crazy lady.
I am sorry for acting like this.
I am sorry that I brought it up.
I am sorry...
I am sorry...
I am sorry......

Over and over again.

And why? It's all I know how to do.

Growing up I was always asking forgiveness for everything I did wrong and very rarely getting asked to forgive someone else. Then my first dating relationship was full of "sorry."

Sorry for looking at him.
Sorry for laughing at his joke.
Sorry for hugging him.
Sorry for not paying enough attention to you.
Sorry for not giving you what you need.
Sorry for having feelings.
Sorry for being hurt by what you did.
Sorry...
Sorry...
Sorry.......

It is like a resounding gong in my head that is starting to drive me nuts.

I never let someone say sorry to me. I always say, its okay, it doesn't matter, water under the bridge, no worries.

I don't think that I am of enough worth for an apology.
I don't think that my emotions and feelings are valid enough to be an other's concern.
I don't like you to apologize because I never know what it really means.

Sorry I hurt you but it was because you did this...
Sorry that you are upset but you shouldn't have done...
Sorry you didn't like that but you did that when I did...

I hate "sorry but you did/said/etc..."

So I don't let people say sorry cause I always end up taking the blame anyways.
Why not just me take the blame right away because I am going to get it in the end anyways?
Yep! That is what I do. Take the blame before you can even place it on me.

So what I said yesterday is that I am a beautiful person, but I still am working on believing it in my heart.

Sorry for not taking what I said to heart and actually using it.....