Silence

Am I the only one who struggles with voices in my head? Am I the only one who hears all their worst fears echo in their brains?

"You are no good."
"He doesn't really love you."
"Remember the last time you fell in love. You must be freaking stupid to do it again."
"You will never amount to anything."
"Your dreams are unrealistic."
"You are ugly."
"You don't deserve this."
"You aren't good enough."
"He is just saying that."
"You are annoying."
"No one likes you."
"Will you just shut up already?"
"You knew you were going to fail from the beginning."
"You look terrible."
"He doesn't want to marry you because you are too much of a screw up."
"One more mistake and he is going to leave."
"He is going to leave anyways."
"You are worthless."
"No one will ever want you."
"You are a burden."
"People can't stand you."

Those are some of the voices that silently torment me, speaking their lies as truth.

I needed an escape last night. I needed a break. I needed silence.

My favorite place on earth is a small pond about 4 minutes from my house. In the summer time there is a place under one the trees that is completely secluded. Last summer I sat there for hours on hours, just enjoying the sounds of the birds and the lap of the water. A few times I took friends with me and we would talk for hours about life and what the past was and how we were overcoming obstacles. But my favorite times of being there were the times that I would sit in silence. I never have cell service so it was wonderful to not even worry about my phone going off, or people needing me.

I was alone and it was quiet.

In the summer time it is green and secluded. No one can see you, no one can find you, but you can still see the sun set over the mountains.

Isn't it beautiful? I haven't been there since the leaves fell because I knew it wouldn't be the same.

But last night I needed silence. I needed to breathe. I needed to hear God again.

You see, I haven't heard His voice in a very long time. I was starting to wonder if He was actually real and if He still loved me. I needed Him but I felt like He was being silent to me.

But I found out last night that God wasn't being silent, He was waiting for my life to be silent. God didn't go anywhere, He didn't stop speaking. I just needed silence to hear him.