I am the perfect white girl who has no problems

I am the perfect white girl who has life handed to her on a silver platter. I have never had any problems, I am pretty and has the most clean and innocent past. I have everything together, my life is a model of perfection.

Okay so that is a bunch of bs but looking at me from the outside you would probably think that. 

I am white, I am pretty, I have a nice car and a full time job, I have a wonderful boyfriend, I have both my parents, they aren't divorced. My life is perfect. Can't you see how wonderful it is?

I am constantly being judged by how perfect my life looks on the outside.

My life is not perfect. My life is messy. I like it messy. I just don't like people who think life is wonderful for me just cause of the color I am and the job I have.

If you really knew me you would know that I have next to no money right now because the car dealership did not do the repairs they were supposed to so I had to pay for them anyways. If you really knew me you would know that because of the ice that I let build up around my heart, I almost lost the love of my life this last week. If you really knew me you would know that my parents aren't perfect, my life isn't perfect. My past isn't perfect.

My past is not pretty. In fact it is really messed up. And no one would know that by looking at me.

I look like the perfect white girl who has her stuff together. But I am not.

You don't see the suicidal 12 year old who cried herself to sleep every night and hid in her room for months.

You don't see the struggle of being on my own while my family struggled with my sister's health crisis.

You don't see the freshman who almost walked away from God because of a dead church and hurtful pastor.

You don't see the sophomore who fought off everyone who wanted to care about her until one person broke her shell.

You don't see the stupid junior who thought she was ready for a relationship and who then let a boy walk all over her heart.

You don't see the senior who spent every day fighting and arguing trying to keep a boy happy and her struggle to finally give up on the emotionally and verbally abusive relationship.

You don't see the 18 year old who jumped off the deep end because she just didn't give a crap anymore. You don't see the man after man that she let use her and walk all over her. 

You don't see the heartache of having men walk away when they were bored with her because she wouldn't give them sex.

You don't see the counseling and months of crying and feeling numb and dead.

You don't see the girl who lost the one grandparent she felt actually loved her.

You don't see her screaming at God night after night, asking Him why the he-double-ll He took her grandma and not the piece of crap grandpa who sent just a check in the mail for her graduation.

You don't see the anger and bitter hatred she harbored towards so many people.

You don't see the days of wanting to run her car off the road because she felt so worthless.

You don't see the day after day struggle to keep her heart open and receptive. 

You don't see how hard her current boyfriend has had to fight to get to where he is in her heart now.

You don't see the daily struggle to just put one foot in front of the other.

You just see her smile.

You just hear her laughter.

You just look at her happiness and assume that life is perfect.

She tries to not complain.

She tries to not burden anyone.

She doesn't trust people with her pain.

She does it on her own.

So you think she has it all together.

But this perfect shell is cracking. And she isn't as pretty underneath as she is on the outside. Because she just pretends to be put together on the outside.

She is a mess. But she likes her mess. She likes life not being perfect. She likes the cracked surface of her heart.

She knows that because her life has been hell on earth, she can help people not make the same mistakes. She knows so much more about life and herself now than she would know if she had not gone through everything she did. 

She isn't a perfect white girl. She has a lot of problems. But that's okay. She likes her life.

Love, Kiki