Why me?

Most people ask this question along the lines of, "Why am I going through this pain? Why am I the one suffering?"

But I ask this question differently.

Why did he choose me to love? Why does he stay with me? Why am I the one he is choosing to fight for? Why me?

Why me? Why am I loved?

I mean seriously. I am a mess. Not only on the outside but the inside as well. I am a train wreck of feelings and thoughts and walls and love and pain and fear and heartbreak. 

And I got lucky. Well actually luck has nothing to do with it, God orchestrated our love.

But I still ask the question, why me? 

I wish I could capture the look he gives me when my makeup is everywhere and my hair won't stay in place. I wish I could show you the tender way he cares for me. I wish I could record the way he says he loves me. I wish I could make a million of them for every girl who has ever had their heart broken. I wish that that my friends would find someone like him. 

I still ask myself, why me? Why does he love me?

I have pushed him out, hurt him, run from him. He has gotten burned from the dragon that protects my heart, he has been pushed off the walls of my heart, he has fought and lost so many times. So why does he stay?

We have the most beautiful love. And I am not just saying that because I am in love with him. We have the most beautiful love because he cares for me and wants me. We have the most beautiful love story because he has fought for me and has won my heart. We have made each other better people without even trying to change the other person. He has made me feel safe. He has given me the help that I needed and yet was to strong and calloused to ask for. He has made my weakness my strength.

But again, I ask why me? What does he see in me that makes him love me so much?

He has seen my demons and my angels. He has seen my heart break, he has seen my pieces and my brokenness. He has seen what I let no one else see. He has seen my ugly.

I want to cry all day today. I miss him. I miss his kisses and his arms around me. I miss his laugh and his joy. I miss talking to him about everything. I miss him. But I miss him being in my heart. I shut him out for a while, and he still stayed. I want him back in my heart.

Why he loves me is beyond me. I can't understand it, I can't wrap my mind around it.

But isn't that kind of like God? We have no idea why He loves us, we never understand the depths of His love. He is always there no matter what we do with our lives, no matter the mess we make. He loves us. God loves me.