Having children...

Sometimes I get scared.

Mostly I get scared that when I have kids that my husband will get frustrated with me.
Or that I will suck as a mom.
Or that I will make mistakes that I swore I would never make.
I fear that I won't be able to handle the pain.
I don't want to think about having to lose my baby fat.
I don't want to think about not sleeping for days on end and looking like crap because I don't have energy to do anything.
I don't want to think about having to raise them and hope I am doing it right.
I don't want children.
But yet I do.
I want children to love and cherish.
I want them to hold and cuddle with.
I don't want them now.
I don't want them soon.
I want them like a million years from now.
Okay just kidding maybe in like 6 years.
But I want to be a better person before that happens.

Yeah just a random thought for the day.

Of a woman and a rose

Flower.
Tender and delicate.
Handle with care.
One touch too rough,
Turning brown,
Wilting.

Heart.
Sensitive and kind.
One harsh word,
Hiding,
Running,
Breaking apart.

We may be strong,
But we are tender.
The harsher the words,
The stronger we get.
But also grow distant.
With large cold walls.

Roses are beautiful.
But one cannot enjoy them.
They have thorns,
Cutting deep
Anyone who dares come near.
Closed off and alone.

To enjoy a rose,
Thorns must be broken off.
Barriers broken.
Roses are strong
Because they are protected.
Protection and warning.

Break off those thorns
Treat it harshly,
The rose will wilt.
And another might grow back.
But with more thorns.
More protection.

This is the curse
Of a woman
And a rose.
A curse to man
Who wants to enjoy
Their beauty.



I couldn't find complete sentences or paragraphs to put to my feelings so I wrote nonsense.

Just to be...

Maybe you are broken because you have been in the wrong shape for too long. Maybe you are a mess because you can control anything but a mess. Maybe you are only seeing darkness so that you can find light inside you. Maybe you are here in this very moment for one specific reason. To be.

Just simply to be.

To be you.

The broken, messy, screwed up, failure.

You are here just to be you.

Who are you? Right now. In this very moment.

Maybe you are puke covered, baggy eyed, crazy haired mom. Maybe you are scar covered, blood shot eyed, trying to find grace, drug addicted. Maybe you are professional and clean cut, but inside you barely find what it takes to get up every morning. Maybe you are a high school student, covered in too much makeup, trying to figure out how to attract the boys with your short skirt and low cut top. Maybe you are the heartbroken girl who just got dumped and can't seem to eat anything but ice cream and chocolate. Maybe you are just the right person for just the right time, right now. You and just you are enough.

Jesus didn't die for the perfected version of you. He didn't die so that you had to work to gain His love. He loved you BEFORE He died. And you weren't even born.

Why do we put so many rules on God?

Read your Bible everyday. Pray ten minutes at least. Don't sin and when you do, repent until you are blue in the face and never make that mistake again. Don't be angry, upset, depressed, sad, over the top, irritated, messed, a failure. You must have a clean heart and a beautiful life to come to the Lord.

Okay so maybe we don't say these things, but down deep in the heart of every woman these are the lies she battles everyday.

I am not enough. I will never be enough. My efforts will never bring me close enough to God. I am no where near perfect enough, beautiful enough, good enough, for God to love me and want me.

I must work harder and be more for Him to love me.

But take a breath my dear.

You in your mess are enough. You in your failure are enough. You that can't be victorious in every area everyday are enough. You are enough. Just you. All of you. Only you. Not you plus your works. Not you plus your victory. Just you.

Once we come to God with just us, He can mold us.

Maybe we are broken for a reason. Maybe God wants that brokenness so that He can remake us into a better shape than we were before. But if we run from Him, not believing that He loves our brokenness, we will never be healed properly.

Maybe you try to control everything in your life and the only way that you will give up control is by having everything a mess. Maybe God is trying to pry your life out of your hands and allow you the rest and peace to let Him handle it.

Maybe you are trying to find light in everything except the One thing that gives lasting light. Maybe everything is being stripped away and becoming messy so that you look for the light from the only one who can light even the darkest parts of us.

You are here to just be. Let God do the work in you. Don't try to work and change yourself so that you can come to Him. Take your broken mess and lay it at His feet. Just sit there and enjoy being able to be 100% fully yourself with our Lover. And trust me, He will take care of your mess. He will heal your brokenness. He will give you light. He will take over everything for you. He will help you become a better version of yourself. You just have to stop trying to do it before you come to God.

You are enough for Him. He loves you just as you are.

Hello, my name is Chiarra.

Hi. My name is Chiarra. People who love me call me Kiki. I love that.

How are you today?

Oh you are good? That's good.

Actually I hate when people say good when I ask how they are. Good is not a state of being. It is a cop out. It is not an emotion. It is a way to skirt around what you are truly feeling. But cool, glad you are good. Oh wait, that is not proper grammer! You are supposed to say you are "well" to begin with. Oh well, I forgive you. Did you ask for my forgiveness? Nope but oh well. Why am I saying oh well? Cause I am not telling you any of this out loud and so how in the world can I be mad?

I am doing well today. No actually I am really irritated. And I put up with too much from people for too long. And then I lose my cool cause I am tired of their nonsense. Drama drama drama.

And funny thing is, the people who are closest to me, know I am blunt. I speak my mind. And there is nothing wrong with it. I am not going to beat around the bush with anyone. I say what is on my mind. Oh you have a problem with that? Sorry that you need your feet rubbed and your butt kissed for me to say something to you. I am not about that. Here is how I feel. Plain and simple. No drama, no mess. I like it this way.

People don't like me because I speak my mind. No matter how awful of a person that I make myself out to be, I still say what I am feeling. You can think I am terrible, that's fine. I speak my mind. Not a crime.

And I don't take crap from people. I say how I feel, I stand up for myself. Not a crime either.

Hi! My name is Chiarra. I like her a lot. I like being her. I like everything about her. Yeah she has problems, but she knows about them and is working on them. Her friends that know her, love her.

Get the crap out of here...

Okay so crap was not the word that I wanted to really put there.

But there are people who read this who would be offended and probably shocked if I put what I thought there.

And there are people who would still love me. Some would excommunicate me from everything in their lives though.

But to be honest, sometimes I think bad words in my head, and sometimes they slip out of my mouth. I may not like it, but yes sometimes it comes out.

And Jesus doesn't care.
Jesus hung out with sinners like me all the time.
Jesus hung out with people who cursed and thought bad things.
Jesus hung out with murders and thieves.
Jesus ate food that had probably been stolen or sacrificed to other gods.
Jesus still loved those people and died for them too.

But honestly, why do I not do half of the stuff that I don't do? Because that is what I have been taught since I was a kid.

At some point you have to ask yourself, why do I not do this?

Why do I not smoke?
Why do I not have sex before marriage?
Why do I not drink?
Why do I not party?
Why do I not have tattoos?
Why?

Where are these rules and where are they in the Bible?

Why do I not smoke? Well I don't remember Jesus ever mentioning that in the Bible... I don't remember Him saying anything about smoke and you will go to hell. I know that I don't smoke because I don't want to smell like that and lung cancer runs in my family. So that is why I don't smoke, not cause Jesus said so.

Why do I not have sex before marriage? I don't remember Jesus saying that. And if he did, please feel free to correct me. Yeah for me personally, I have waited this long, why stop waiting now. And I have heard from enough people how it ruins your future and relationship. I have heard the negative side of things, and I don't want to risk it. I know for me I would regret it the next morning and there is no reason that I would want that. I would rather it be beautiful and be able to wake up and do it again and again for the rest of my life...to be bluntly honest. I don't wait until marriage because of the Bible, I wait for marriage because of me.

Why do I not drink? Because I am not old enough to do so. For heaven's sake, Jesus made the best wine in the world. I am pretty sure he is okay with people drinking it. Yeah so getting smashed and drunk may not be in your best interest, you probably will make decisions that will harm you and others around you. That's why I don't drink yet and why I won't get drunk when I am of age. Plus you should check out these verses, they are kind of my favorite verses on the subject: Proverbs 31:7-8 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+31%3A7-8&version=NIV. And Lord knows that I am poor!!

Why do I not party? Jesus went to parties. Probably pretty wild ones too. He went to parties with people who knew how to party hard. So why do I not party? Because I am not really in the mood to take care of drunk puking people. To be honest, I don't want to have to be the responsible driver and have my new car smell like puke. Plus I have a curfew of 12:30. Kiiiinda impossible to party with that curfew.

Why do I not have tattoos? Because pain makes me sick. I can't even pop my own pimples without getting sick to my stomach. Plus I change my mind and cannot make decisions well...so even if I thought about it, I would still be thinking about it when I die. I don't have them not because of some verse in Leviticus that says that, because if that is really your reason, you need to get a life. Okay so that was kind of mean but if you follow that verse, then you better follow the whole flipping thing and never cut your hair or shave your legs and armpits. So if you have been to the hair dresser in the last 6 months and there is a razor in your tub you can shove that verse up your butt because I don't want to hear it. You can't pick and choose which Old Testament verses to live by and which ones not to live by. Either you follow the entire freaking law or you live under the freedom that Jesus bought for you with his BLOOD! If someone said I didn't have to live underneath a dictator because they died for that freedom, I would not choose to live under that dictatorship! That is a slap in the face.

Please stop placing these rules and regulations on our Christianity. Jesus isn't about rules. Instead of shoving purity down people's throats, why don't we tell them about a lover better than all the others. Preach about what Jesus really stressed, like forgiveness and love and treating people right and loving God and respecting His temple. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. If you have Bible verses for why you do them, great!! But please make it personal beyond that. People grow up with a view of the Bible as a book of rules and not a love story written so that we might have a full and blessed and happy life. Make the Bible personal to you. Ask yourself why. Find your answers in the Bible and then make it apply to you.

The Bible isn't there for rules, it is there to scream of Jesus' love for us.

Raise your glass...

Lately the topic of jealousy has been on my mind... It is one of the wounds that I did not realize were hurting me so deeply still.

You see, I have been there. I have walked the jealousy road. Well more like crawled, inched, and barely moved my way through.I have survived the jealous relationship. And I truly mean survived. And barely. I made it by the skin of my teeth.

Being in a jealous relationship is like walking around with a bomb that is about to detonate. Its like carrying around an egg on the tips of both your shoes and trying to run a marathon. It is constant fear and timidity.

And you have lost. You have lost your love. You have lost your friends. You have lost your freedom. You have lost it all.

Every single time you interact with a man other than your's, you think about how mad your man is going to be.
All you can think about is what punishment you are going to have when they find out.
And honestly, you are one wrong laugh, one second too long of a hug, one look away from an explosion. You are two centimeters from a break up, 24/7/364.

It is miserable.

And it destroys you.

It destroys your worth.

It destroys your heart.

And the wounds from jealously aren't easy to get rid of.

That fear of being punished, is not something you just get rid of with the next man that comes along.

It is something that sits in your mind.

Your worth is destroyed by jealousy.

Don't believe me?

Well think about this.

If you are dealing with jealousy, do you feel worthy of being loved even if you are laughing with a male friend? Are you able to enjoy yourself in every situation without fear of their fits of rage if they catch you? Are you able to reach out to every person that needs your help without feeling like you are doing something wrong just because they are a man?

You don't feel worthy of love. You don't feel worthy of being accepted and cared about. You don't feel trusted. And no matter your efforts, you will NEVER prove to him that you are worthy of his trust in you. You will never feel like you are good enough for him. You will never meet his high standards.

He has caged you. Caged your heart, emotions, and ultimately your soul. He has put shackles on your feet, and a weight in your heart. He is killed that beautiful song bird in you because you can no longer sing for everyone to hear.

Let's face it. You are going to come into contact with men in your life. They will say something funny and you will laugh. And that's OKAY!!! You will hug a man and that is OKAY!!! You might even talk to him about life and what is going on, that is OKAY too!!! Imagine that. *Sarcasm*

So here is a toast to my non-jealous man. My man who puts his trust in me 100%. Who doesn't care if I go to lunch with a guy friend because he needs to talk. Here is to my man who doesn't care if I smile at, laugh at, or joke around with other men.

Please raise your glass to the man who has set my heart free from shackles and pain. The man to opened the doors to my cage and encouraged me to sing. The man who has put his confidence in me in every situation.

Here is a toast to the man who taught me how to fly once again...

The heart that screams no...

NO you are not worthy of love.
NO you are not deserving of happiness.
NO you should not let someone love you.
NO you can't ever heal properly.
NO you won't ever be fully okay.
NO your life will always be miserable.
NO
NO
NO
NO

My heart won't accept truth anymore. My heart vomits out what it can't bear to believe anymore.

The truth hurts too much to believe when people are always proving the lies more often.

But it is time to start believing the truth again.

The truth that I am worthy of love, the truth that people do care about me. The truth that I am a great person, that I am doing more with my life than I know. I need to believe that someone can love me for me and truly wants to never cause me pain. There is truth in the fact that I deserve happiness and it is not selfish to look for happiness for myself. I need to embrace the truth that it is okay to need people, it is okay to rely on others, that two are better than one and that when I fall down, a friend can pick me up. I need to believe the truth that I am beautiful and loved and wanted. I am desirable.

It make take a while for my heart to start believing these things, but I won't stop telling myself them. I won't stop until I believe them.

I won't stop until I can look myself directly in the eyes and say, "Chiarra, you are one heck of a great woman," and not have my heart pull back in fear and rejection of that statement.

I will believe the truth, because the truth is going to set me free.

Why me?

Most people ask this question along the lines of, "Why am I going through this pain? Why am I the one suffering?"

But I ask this question differently.

Why did he choose me to love? Why does he stay with me? Why am I the one he is choosing to fight for? Why me?

Why me? Why am I loved?

I mean seriously. I am a mess. Not only on the outside but the inside as well. I am a train wreck of feelings and thoughts and walls and love and pain and fear and heartbreak. 

And I got lucky. Well actually luck has nothing to do with it, God orchestrated our love.

But I still ask the question, why me? 

I wish I could capture the look he gives me when my makeup is everywhere and my hair won't stay in place. I wish I could show you the tender way he cares for me. I wish I could record the way he says he loves me. I wish I could make a million of them for every girl who has ever had their heart broken. I wish that that my friends would find someone like him. 

I still ask myself, why me? Why does he love me?

I have pushed him out, hurt him, run from him. He has gotten burned from the dragon that protects my heart, he has been pushed off the walls of my heart, he has fought and lost so many times. So why does he stay?

We have the most beautiful love. And I am not just saying that because I am in love with him. We have the most beautiful love because he cares for me and wants me. We have the most beautiful love story because he has fought for me and has won my heart. We have made each other better people without even trying to change the other person. He has made me feel safe. He has given me the help that I needed and yet was to strong and calloused to ask for. He has made my weakness my strength.

But again, I ask why me? What does he see in me that makes him love me so much?

He has seen my demons and my angels. He has seen my heart break, he has seen my pieces and my brokenness. He has seen what I let no one else see. He has seen my ugly.

I want to cry all day today. I miss him. I miss his kisses and his arms around me. I miss his laugh and his joy. I miss talking to him about everything. I miss him. But I miss him being in my heart. I shut him out for a while, and he still stayed. I want him back in my heart.

Why he loves me is beyond me. I can't understand it, I can't wrap my mind around it.

But isn't that kind of like God? We have no idea why He loves us, we never understand the depths of His love. He is always there no matter what we do with our lives, no matter the mess we make. He loves us. God loves me.

Mini rants for the day....

I just need to vent today and get some stuff off my chest.

I really hate stereotypes.
I hate how people think they are better than other people because of their beliefs.
I hate how people think that dating is bad.
I hate how people think courting is wrong.
I hate when parents are controlling of their adult children.
I hate money.
I hate stressing about not having enough of it.
I hate getting paid once a month.
I love travelling.
I hate paying for hotels.
I hate car payments.
I love budget apps.
I want an ipod.
I can't have an ipod.
I don't have money for an ipod.
My birthday is coming up.
I really like birthday presents.
See the three comments above this.
Just kidding, I don't like people spending too much money on me.
If I do get an ipod though, I would love it to be engraved.
I hate gifts that have no meaning.
Some people just give gifts that mean a lot without even trying hard.
I miss Cody.
I just saw him.
He is too good to me.
I sometimes don't know how to react to that.
I am going to write a whole blog post about how much I love him.
I hate the judgmental looks I get from people.
I hate mean people.
I hate when people give me attitude.
I hate when Bobby (Dee's dog) whines at me in my room.
I hate dog smell.
I hate that my room is dirty.
I hate that I can't seem to clean it.
And random guy, no I should not have a shorter name. You should just have a bigger brain.

Okay I am done.