How are you today?

How many times do we answer this question each day? Oh I am doing good, how are you?

But are you really good? Are you truly being honest? Are you worried about burdening people?

I am always worried about bringing people down when I am not truly good. I always am afraid that people will not be my friend if I am not perfectly happy all the time.

You see, I am a fairly upbeat person. I will smile and be friendly to just about anyone, no matter how crappy my day is going. And when I am in a bad mood, people usually think I am sick or something.

I know how to not take my crap out on someone else.

But also I don't know how to answer the question, how are you?

I don't know what words to use.

I used hanging in there for a while. But then you see, everyone felt compelled to say they were praying for me.

I don't want your freaking prayers.

So I learned the fake oh I am peachy with an award winning smile flashed so no one asked anymore questions.

So then I started with the good answer.

How are you? Good, thanks how are you?

Look how beautifully it rolls off my tongue.

But am I really good? No.

Am I really thankful that you asked? No.

Do I honestly care how you are? Depends on who you are.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't want to weigh you down with my sad tale and my dark cloud. I don't want to be a Eeyore in your life. I want to be happy and bright for you. But I can't always be. And when I am not able to do that for you, I shut down. Always. I push you out of my cloud of gloom because I don't want you walking out of my life because I am not happy.

People don't like unhappy friends. People don't like depressed people.

If we shove out the people who truly love us, where does that get us? If we don't want to truly burden people who care about us, is that they way to do it??

A very wise and wonderful man just shone light on this subject for me.
"Do you think that you are not burdening those who love you by pulling away and hiding how you are truly feeling? Do you think that they would be more burdened by the fact that you were going through something and they couldn't help you, or your problems that you share with them? People who love you want to know how you are so that they can help you. Let people in."

The more you pull away, thinking you aren't burdening your friends and loved ones, the more you are hurting both yourself and them.

So Chiarra, stop answering, I am good. Be honest.