Cracked perfection...

I am perfect.

Hahaha, I can already hear you laughing and I also hear all those voices in my head laughing at me too.

I laugh at myself for saying that because my perfection is a little cracked... I have a few holes in my pretty little mask...

Everyone always says that I seem to have my life together and I am just glad that they think that about me cause I sure don't think that about myself. I am a mess in my head. A big, freaking mess that no one should even attempt to deal with.

Sometimes I am not a very good person and I am sure you all can relate.

Sometimes I say bad words.
Sometimes I talk about people behind their backs.
Sometimes I think about strangling people in my head.
Sometimes I get really angry and say nasty things to people.
Sometimes I have extreme road rage and I scream at people and their stupidity.
Sometimes I fantasize about throwing people off the top of a parking garage.
Sometimes I am fake and nice when I secretly hate you and am fuming that I have to talk to you.
Sometimes I give terrible advice.
Sometimes I lie.
Sometimes I tell God that I want nothing to do with Him.
Sometimes I even tell Him I hate Him.
Sometimes I scream and throw fits because I am not getting my way.
Sometimes I use bad language when I am praying.
Sometimes I walk away from God and tell Him where to stick His plan for my life.
Sometimes I do whatever I want just cause I am tired of being a good girl.

So in my cracked perfection, I am an awful person. And God has every right to throw me off planet earth.

"See ya later, Chiarra. You are too bad of a person and I can't stand you making My world a filthy place. Deuces."

But instead He lets me still serve Him. He lets me still be around people for heaven's sake. He still lets me on the road even though it is likely I will scream at someone for cutting me off. HE STILL LETS ME LIVE!!! Let that one sink in for a minute. Even though I am an awful person, He still lets me be alive.

He doesn't judge me, He still loves me. He may be sad when I walk away from Him, but He never leaves me. He may not be happy when I use bad language, but He isn't going to smite me with fire and brimstone. He is going to gently bring me back to Him with His grace.

Cause you see, there is nothing that I can do to make Him love me more or love me less. No matter what His love is constant. He is faithful even in my unfaithfulness. He is love to my cranky witch side. He holds  me and hugs me even when I am screaming and punching His chest.

God is love. God is grace.

So with that I say, I am okay with not being perfect. I am working on it and God is working on me.