I am not religious

I don't call myself religious. For more than one reason.

One, I HATE that word. Religious is for people who use God as fire insurance, He is there when you need Him but not until you need help.

Two, I don't like it because it reminds me of those super churchy people who would rather wave their wands and cymbals than hug someone who smells like alcohol.

Three, I am not a follower of religion. I am a follower of Christ. My faith is not based on a church or a certain set of views that an organization put in place.

Four, I am not religious but I am in relationship with Christ. I am not apart of religion but relationship with Christ.

And also, when people hear religious they think of judgmental annoying people who get on everyone's nerves.

So yeah.

That is my thought on being religious.

When I grow up...

A woman asked a little boy what he wanted to be when he grew up.
"A benny."
"What's a benny?"
His mom said, "That's his name."

I saw this story on my timeline on Facebook this morning and it really hit me hard.

I have been struggling with how I want my life to look like in the future. Who do I want to be? What would I be happy with? What would I have to do and be to feel like I wasn't settling for a mediocre life? What would I have to be to be completely satisfied with myself?

You see, everyone always tells me that I am going to do great things, that I am going to change the world, that I am going to be someone awesome who changes a lot of lives.

But what if I don't? What if I live a normal life, raise children, love my husband, play taxi driver to soccer games and cheerleader meets? What if I volunteer at church once a month in the nursery where I get puked on everyday and not one of the kids remembers me? What if I die and my funeral is small and personal, no one writes books on my life, the only people that know I have passed are family and a few close friends?

Is that settling? What if I raise wonderful children who love the Lord with all their heart? What if I am able to love their friends and be a second mother to all of them? What if I am able to help my daughters save themselves for marriage and help my sons be respectful gentlemen? What if my life is a loving service to my husband who adores me and loves me until the day I die? What if I only change a handful of lives?

Will I be okay with that?

Yes.

Why?

Because my life is mine. And if that is what I decide is changing the world, then I am still making a difference. No one can look at my life and say that I have settled if I am completely happy with how I have lived my life.

Yes I want to have adventures. Yes I want to travel the world and touch lives. Yes I want to write books and speak to millions of girls.

But will one book that they read and one person that they listen to really change their life? Or would I be changing more lives if I choose instead to dedicate everything I have to every person that comes into my life?

These are the questions that keep me up at night. Everyone says I am special, but what if my special is "smaller" than what people see for me?

What if my adventures are the daily grind, figuring out how to juggle sleep, and football games and ballet recitals? What if my adventures are going on family vacations with my doting husband and my screaming crazy kids?

Will I be okay with that?

Yes.

Why?

Because what do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be a Chiarra.

Advice from a screw up...

Mess up.
Make mistakes.
Screw up your life.
But learn from it.
Gain wisdom from it.

Don't be afraid of mistakes.
Don't fear living your life because you might choose the wrong path.
There is no such thing as a wrong path if you are walking with Jesus.
Even when you walk away from Him, He is still faithful to you.

The best thing you can do is be whatever you want to be.
Don't apologize for being yourself.
Don't let people walk on you.
Stand up for yourself.
You are allowed to have needs and express them.

You will never be happy until you are honest.
Wearing a mask will only make you forget who you are.
Don't hide yourself from others.
If people don't like you, that is their problem.

Always be striving to be a better version of you.
But never expect perfection.
Give yourself grace.
Give other's even more grace than you would yourself.
Ask for help.
Let other people carry your burdens.

Love everyone.
Despite their race, religion, sexuality.
Love them.
Don't shove the Bible down their throat.
They will know you are a Christian by your love.
Never tell someone they are going to hell.
You aren't God.
You don't decide those things.

God is love.
He loves you.
Let Him love you.
Let Him chase you.
Realize that no mistake is too big for God's love.

So again I say,
Make mistakes.
Make a lot of them.
Give yourself grace.
Get back up and try again.
And fail if you must.
But try again.
Be honest.
Be open.

No matter what the world tries to kill you with...
Always prove you are stronger.
But never grow so hard that you do not allow yourself to have joy.

And lastly,
Cry as much as you want.

Safety...

I find safety in money and being financially stable.
I find safety in being with my boyfriend.
I find safety in having everything planned out.
I find safety in doing things for God.
I find safety in being comfortable.

I like being safe.

But God didn't call me to be safe. He called me to be daring and bold. He called me to be passionate and free...

He called me to be wild.

And wildly in love with Him.

And that isn't comfortable...

Being in love with Jesus requires a new outlook on life.

It requires a better attitude.

It requires you to go outside your comfort zone.

It requires you to love more, care more, give more, want more...

It takes you above and beyond all that you dreamed it would...

Loving Jesus isn't "safe."

Loving Jesus is an adventure.

To be honest...

Life sucks.
People suck.
Being an adult is harder than it looks.
Buying a car is a long hard overwhelming process.
The past will never fully be in the past.
I hate fake people.
I don't like toothpaste.
I like to kiss men who taste like mint.
I used to kiss any and everyone.
I didn't kiss anyone for 18 years.
I have kissed 7 people.
I hate all but 2 of them.
I hate my first kiss.
I have never been romantically movie-worthy kissed.
I am not sure how I feel about that.
Some days I get really depressed.
I hate distance.
I HATE goodbyes. If you are moving or leaving, I would rather not say goodbye.
I lose friends because of that.
I am an introvert.
I hate making plans with people.
I want to visit all 7 continents before I die.
One day I want to be kissed in a waterfall.
I have hurt many people in my time.
I hate how cigarettes smell.
I hate people talking about me behind my back.
But I actually don't care anymore.
I like when boys smell nice.
I love hugs.
I love my dad's hugs.
No one in the world hugs like him.
I haven't hugged my dad in months.
I get mad really easily.
I hate getting Christmas gifts.
But I love getting things for Valentine's Day and my birthday.
I didn't realize that my birthday was so important until I didn't celebrate it last year.
2012 was a year of heartbreak and leaning.
2013 was a year from Hades.
2014 hasn't been any better so far.
But I am happy.
I don't know why I am happy.
I don't know why I haven't broken down yet.
I think I am refusing to deal with things because I am tired of being sad.
I never take care of myself.
I worry about everyone else's happiness more than my own.
I don't ever worry about my happiness.
I am working on things.
I am slow at it.
I don't believe in myself.
I don't think I will ever be good enough.
I worry that I am not leaving a big enough impact on the world.
I worry that I will die and it won't matter.
Will I regret my life?
Do I make a difference?

I love myself.
Sometimes.
But this is who I am.
And to be honest...
I love being a mess.

Just smile...

Oh how much venom I can throw into a smile....

You don't know until you get one the daggers that I can use to pierce your soul with just one smile...

Oh and how wonderful it feels to throw one your way.

Because quite honestly I hate you. Still.

You stole a very precious thing from me.

So yeah, I still hate you.

But I hate you less than I did. Because the pain you caused me was so deep I let it fester and grow in my heart until I was a numb black expanse of nothing. Hatred towards you spilled death into my very soul.

But instead of glare at you, I can finally smile at you.

Because I have a man who has loved the very depths of my brokenness back to healing. I have a God who has restored me and made me new and alive again.

So please, please please please... Allow the joy of my heart to spill onto you, searing your skin with its warmth.

Take and relish in my smile and the fact that I am no longer under your spell. And please know that every second you see my happiness you will know how little I think about you. Allow it to fluster you, make you uncomfortable, make you realize you destroyed what could have been the best thing to happen to you. Take that to bed with you every night. Allow it to force you to face the horror of your own soul.

Until you find the freedom I found, let my smile haunt you the rest of your life.

And remember the last thing you said to me? Those two wonderful words that you threw so hatefully at me? Well right back at you.

Cause guess what? I hate you still, but I can now smile cause my heart is free from your chains.

And someday, my scar tissue will be healed and you won't even be a thought in my mind.

Please allow the hope I found to spill to you. You need Him like I did.

How are you today?

How many times do we answer this question each day? Oh I am doing good, how are you?

But are you really good? Are you truly being honest? Are you worried about burdening people?

I am always worried about bringing people down when I am not truly good. I always am afraid that people will not be my friend if I am not perfectly happy all the time.

You see, I am a fairly upbeat person. I will smile and be friendly to just about anyone, no matter how crappy my day is going. And when I am in a bad mood, people usually think I am sick or something.

I know how to not take my crap out on someone else.

But also I don't know how to answer the question, how are you?

I don't know what words to use.

I used hanging in there for a while. But then you see, everyone felt compelled to say they were praying for me.

I don't want your freaking prayers.

So I learned the fake oh I am peachy with an award winning smile flashed so no one asked anymore questions.

So then I started with the good answer.

How are you? Good, thanks how are you?

Look how beautifully it rolls off my tongue.

But am I really good? No.

Am I really thankful that you asked? No.

Do I honestly care how you are? Depends on who you are.

I don't know what to say anymore.

I don't want to weigh you down with my sad tale and my dark cloud. I don't want to be a Eeyore in your life. I want to be happy and bright for you. But I can't always be. And when I am not able to do that for you, I shut down. Always. I push you out of my cloud of gloom because I don't want you walking out of my life because I am not happy.

People don't like unhappy friends. People don't like depressed people.

If we shove out the people who truly love us, where does that get us? If we don't want to truly burden people who care about us, is that they way to do it??

A very wise and wonderful man just shone light on this subject for me.
"Do you think that you are not burdening those who love you by pulling away and hiding how you are truly feeling? Do you think that they would be more burdened by the fact that you were going through something and they couldn't help you, or your problems that you share with them? People who love you want to know how you are so that they can help you. Let people in."

The more you pull away, thinking you aren't burdening your friends and loved ones, the more you are hurting both yourself and them.

So Chiarra, stop answering, I am good. Be honest.