When it rains...

This is a really sad post... I am sorry for the depressing material but I have just spent the last hour crying and can't bring myself to be fake and pretend to be happy.

I finally got to the point of trusting God, just going with the flow and letting God take care of everything.

And then today happened...

Started with a check engine light last night. Great.
So I called into work and then in the morning I called the mechanic. He couldn't get me in until the afternoon. So I laid around and watched some movies and snuggled with the dog... Get a call from the mechanic, you can come over now. Get there and I wait around for the diagnostic on the car...for almost 2.5 hours... Still no word. So I call him and he says, probably be another hour, which in mechanic language means two-three hours. So I call my mom to come rescue my frozen butt...

Get a call from the mechanic around 6:45... The repairs are going to cost thousands of dollars.

I. Don't. Have. Thousands. Of. Dollars.

I am trying to pay for a wedding and move in a month. That just isn't in the budget... And I need a car. For a month!!! This couldn't have happened in a month when I didn't need the stupid thing???

As I am on the phone with the mechanic trying not to completely lose it, God asks, "Do you trust me?"

My first thought, "Are you freaking kidding me right now????? You are seriously going to ask me that."

You see, my trust in Him lasts until I truly have no way of doing it on my own. Then my faith wavers. My faith is gone when I can't accomplish what is put in front of me.

I feel like I was doing really good and then the devil goes and throws my life off and screams at me, "So where is your god now??"

Why does he target me? Why does everything happen all at once??

I have been holding it together really well the past couple weeks, not stressed or overwhelmed just kind of riding with the flow...and then the tornado hit.

I broke into a million pieces... I lost it tonight.

My little baby sister was crying tonight and both Dee and I were able to crawl into bed and just be there for her. I don't know why she was crying, she will tell me on her own time. But I just laid there and started crying...

I am leaving.

Just let that sink in. I am moving away from my family. I won't be able to be there when my siblings are having a bad day and need some cuddle time. I won't be around for them when people break their hearts. I won't be able to comfort them and hold them while they cry.

I left her room and my heart fell apart. I can't stop crying even as I write this so please excuse the spelling or grammar errors, I really can't see the screen.

I was doing so well, and then my world crashed and I fell along with it.

I am strong. But once that strength is gone, I am completely undone.

I am grateful after everything happens, but during it I am so annoyed.

God knows exactly what I need. Not what I want. What I need.

I had become confident in my ability. I had become comfortable in knowing that I could do this. I got to a point that I thought I was okay and God fell into the background.

God doesn't want to be background noise. He wants to be a whisper in our ear. He wants to be that voice that is right next to us every step of the way.

And the only way I hear His voice is if my world has fallen apart and I am standing in the rubble. I can't hear his voice with everything going perfect. I am a total wreck right now. I have fallen apart.

Not only do I desperately need people, but I desperately need God. I have to reach out to people now because I don't have strength. I don't have what it takes...

God knows I will do this all on my own if given the choice. But He has forced me to the point that I need Him and the people He has given me. I love God, but I hate that I don't rely on Him unless He strips everything from my hands...

So here is my broken self. Here is the side of me that absolutely hates feeling like she is abandoning her siblings when they need her love the most. Here is the me that I can barely breathe from all the stress and sadness... Here is the me that wants to curl into a ball and rewind the world to when I was five and playing Polly Pockets with Dee...

I don't want this chapter in my life to be over. It hurts to turn the page...

God please tell me You have a plan for this pain cause if not, my heart is being crushed for no reason.

Love, Almost A Bride

Wonder Bridesmaid....

Day 4: Birthday time!!!

So today is one of my beautiful bridesmaid's birthdays!!

She has been incredible during this whole journey. Honestly, if I could sit down and tell you how many times I have emailed her freaking out about this, that, and whatever...you would fall asleep. 

I am going to miss her. What am I going to do when I am in Hawaii and she is here? I am trying to convince her to move with me. ;)

When brides pick their bridesmaids for a wedding, there are some who take forever to choose. There are so many things to consider and weigh. It can take time.

Not for me.

I knew before I was even engaged who my bridesmaids were going to be.

And let me tell you, I picked right!!

I picked women who were going to have my back 100%, who were going to support me in everything, who wouldn't talk about me behind my back, who would keep my drama to themselves, who would be there when I needed a midnight phone call, who would make sure that nothing ruined my day for me, who would take care of anything that fell apart on my wedding day without stressing me.

But most importantly I knew I would need women who were willing to help me take care of myself that day.

And I got three of the best.

I have the most humble, selfless, caring, excited bridesmaids in the world. They have been there to calm me down, pick me up, hold me together, and they haven't even had to help me pee with my dress on yet!!

How did I get so blessed??

My other two bridesmaids are wonderful and I will write a post about them on another day but today is my day to write about Faith!

I told her that I was going to need a body guard on my wedding day and she volunteered so quickly! She told me she would try to keep her "Latina" mouth in check but she wasn't making any promises... I told her if someone can't control what they say, you don't have to either, just make sure it doesn't get to me.

You see, we have a lot of people who are unhappy with this marriage. A lot of people who are going to try and say something nasty to us, people who are going to tell me that OUR wedding isn't what THEY want it to be... And I am not in the mood to try and pretend that I care. (Sorry not sorry...) I won't have the energy to be nice, so I know that she is going to have to take care of it before it even gets to me. And she will.

I trust her with my life.

She keeps my excitement up, she helps me see beyond the stress and overwhelming load that is on my plate. She is there to talk me out of being a selfish crazy bridezilla, talk me down from jumping into my red hot anger, and talk my crazy head back into the game.

She will also make me take care of myself, and take care of me for me. She will be my backbone. She will have the tissue to fix my makeup. She will have the spare change for some chocolate.

Bridesmaid? Try Wonder Woman.

I asked for her help getting music together....she shows up with a timeline of our wedding ceremony and a list of songs for each part of our ceremony.

I couldn't ask for better...

And I owe her big time!

There isn't enough money in the world to thank her for everything that she has done and will do for our big day!

Thank you Faith from the bottom of my heart!

Love, Almost A Bride

You win some and you lose some...

Day 3 in the world of almost a bride:

This morning I woke up really happy. And then that all went down the drain.

Got up, showered, actually got my hair to lay flat.

Left the house.

Sat in traffic behind two rigs.

Going to be late for work.

Accident.

Couldn't take my normal route.

Had to take the long way.

Construction.

Couldn't turn.

Had to take Colfax.

Ew.

Going to be super late.

Stopped and got everyone breakfast since I was already going to be late.

Got to work.

Argued with my boss.

Boss told me that something happened last night.

I was the only one working last night.

Said something did NOT happen last night.

Boss continued to argue.

Boss then sent me an email that said that said something was going to happen this afternoon.

Boss still thought I was stupid and he was right.

Boss apparently thinks that a ghost works here.

Guy who pissed me off by saying homeschoolers were stupid, psycho idiots, is now arguing about politics upstairs.

I can hear everything.

Dude that I don't get along with at work is out for the next couple weeks cause his wife is having a baby.

Happy dance for his absence.

Scared face for his children.

Anger because he hasn't done his work for the past week.

Have to do his work for the past week.

Really annoyed at him....

Customer on the phone asked if I was a computer.

Wouldn't stop telling me computer jokes.

Asked for a manager.

Three people yelled at me.

Called insurance company to switch card numbers.

Lady couldn't figure out that I was Chiarra not Eric.

Said four times that mine was the Cobalt.

Yes, 2008.

No, I do not drive a mini van.

No, my payments are made on the first.

Yes, not the tenth, the first.

Some jerk told me I was ugly when I didn't smile...

All because he didn't have a social security number and I wouldn't take his application.

You see, some days are good, and some days blow. Just because you are full of joy doesn't mean you are happy. Some days I just can't stand people and I have no patience.

Other days, I am nice as pie. My desire to be fake and pretend to like my job went out the window when I learned that I was moving away.

It is not a good place to be at, that is for sure. I am so done with working there...and I still have a month.

21 days actually!

Okay I can do this!! 21 days until this life draining place can no longer kill my soul.

Some days are great. Some days are not so great.

Today is a not so great day.

Today is a day that I am glad I only have 21 days left.

So today, there will be no wedding planning.

There will be a bubble bath and a good book.

You win some and you lose some.

Love,

Almost A Bride

That unspoken issue...

Welcome again to my world!

So yesterday I promised a post about Cody, but something happened last night that I would much rather talk about today.

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

So here is a dirty topic...

Birth control.

Why do I feel like a slut because I am on birth control?

Most people are gonna be mad that I used that word but honestly, that is how I feel.

I feel like a slut.

A virgin slut.

A virgin slut that is only on the stupid pill cause she is getting married.

What a coincidence.

I hated birth control when I first started it.

I went psycho crazy lady...

And honestly, I am surprised that Cody still loved me.

From my crying every single freaking day, to picking fights about nothing at all, to being so emotionally unstable that all it took was one thing to set me over the edge.

But now, I love it!!

I know when my cycle is coming, I don't feel as terrible when it does come, and now my emotions are on more stable ground.

I feel like Chiarra again! Finally!

But last night when I went to pick it up, I didn't like it at all.

You know what the guy said when he gave it to me?

Okay, looks like you are all set for tonight.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, JERK??

He PROBABLY didn't mean it like that...but, it didn't change how that made me feel.

Oh so you mean I am all set to sleep around tonight?

Dude, ring. On finger. Duh.

It wasn't what he said at all, it was just that I feel like that.

Like birth control is this nasty horrible thing.

And it isn't.

Why do we not talk about birth control at church?

Why is it such a taboo topic?

So pretty much this post is all about telling everything that I am on birth control to break that unseen barrier that I feel I am under.

And for some reason I feel like giggling.

There is a picture on my desk of Cody in uniform with his military stoic face and it makes me want to giggle.

I feel like he is sitting somewhere rolling his eyes at me for being so silly and caring about something so stupid.

And I also want to giggle thinking about making faces at him trying to get him to smile while taking that picture...

Anyways, random bunny trail there....

Thanks for letting me be honest!

Love, Almost A Bride

Did I mention EVERYTHING?!

Hello, my name is Almost A Bride. 

I look mentally unstable.

Welcome to my world!!

It is a fun world, full of flowers and dresses, dates and stresses. And an occasional unflattering picture to show that I am perfectly human!

For the next month I am going to invite you into my world of wedding planning and craziness. Be prepared, it is a very honest and sometimes terrifying world. It is what every almost bride wants to say but never feels free to share. My world is a little bit of a mess right now so bear with me. You'll have to step around random thoughts and quirky bunny trails. There are a bunch of imperfect thoughts and really unbecoming pictures. I am not into being the perfect bride. So without further ado, fasten your seat belts and get ready for this adventure!

Day One:

I have a month. A month. I almost just threw up 10 minutes ago thinking about the fact that in a month....I will be a Mrs. A MRS PEOPLE!!! Do you understand the significance of this fact? No longer a Hennigan. No longer Miss Chiarra. But most significantly... No longer a virgin.

Admit it, you were thinking it. I just had the courage to say it. I am going to give my virginity to my husband. Yippie!!! >>!!insert happy dance!!<<

Isn't that pretty much what goes through everyone's minds at a wedding anyways? "Oh hey betcha they are gonna do it tonight...hehehe..." So let me just clear the air, kill the elephant in the room, whatever you want to say... Now it is out there! And yes, I am super excited! Thanks for asking! ;)

Okay sorry for the bunny trail, back to what I was trying to say...

I am giving up everything. Everything. I am giving up my name, my life, my home, everything... I think I have said everything enough by now but just to be sure you know how I feel...I AM GIVING UP EVERYTHING!!!

That is slightly frightening at times...

Speaking that I still can't figure out how to sign my new name...

Have I mentioned how much I HATE cursive K's? I can never get them to look pretty enough....

And it is soooooooo long....

I pretty much scribble Hennigan as it is... But Hennigan is easy to scribble....

This is why, God, that I told you I wanted someone with a shorter last name! 

Oh have I also mentioned that I am completely screwed from now on in the name pronunciation department? I thought I had issues before...Oh geez, get ready for scariness....

I am moving down the street...okay maybe to the next town, oh well I might have exaggerated there I am moving states...Actually oceans... Yup, moving across the ocean. When? Oh just 2 days after the wedding. No biggie right? Ha! As if getting married isn't change enough, I am moving to an island.

I always said I couldn't live on an island...there is no where to go if something scary happens. You all pretty much are screwed and get to die by drowning. Have sweet dreams!

I probably sound by now as if I am freaking out...Actually I am not. I have no idea why or how I am feeling calm...

The funny thing about all this is, I have peace. A strange, beautiful, unexplained peace. I have joy and happiness... I WANT to give up everything. I want to start a new and beautiful life. I want to wake up in a new state, completely scared out of my freaking mind. I want to stress and plan and run around like a psycho chicken with one leg and no head. I want to sign that marriage license and enter into a crazy adventure... I am so excited to give up everything that I have now in return for a much more beautiful life than I could have ever planned for myself...

My life is about to be turned upside down, and then inside out, and then be sent into a volcano and blown across a mountain....and I am happy about it!

I cannot wait to marry Cody. I have no doubt that he is the man for me...

One time he told me, "I will marry you, Chiarra. That isn't a question." 

But that is a tale for tomorrow perhaps...

Goodnight beautiful world!

Love, Almost A Bride

Wild freedom to fly...

Lately my life has been insane.
And at first I hated it! I hated every minute of living with no plan and being so uncertain about everything. I hated not knowing details and I hated not knowing what was going on and what my future held. Days spent in stress and tears wishing for this all to be over. Complaining and taking sympathy for the way that my life was a wreck.

And now, I don't want it to end.

I don't want this chaos to end. I don't want to know what is coming. I don't want to see my future. I love this insanity. I love the adventure of not knowing what is coming next.

You see because part of me has always been wild and free. Part of my soul has always yearned to be free to fly in the wind. Somewhere deep in my being I was made of chaos and a little bit of faith.

Yet I have put myself in chains. Fear, insecurity, finances, jobs, school, car payments, doctors bills, plans, futures, more plans, failed plans, tried again plans, details... Everything that I thought would make me successful in life has made me crazy. I am literally to the point that I don't want a plan anymore. I want to be free again to dream.

You see, my chains stole my dreams. I stopped dreaming because dreams require flight and you can't fly when you are nailed to the ground. Fear of the future kept me from actually living my life.

And God knew that. So He created a crazy life for me. He threw me out of the boat and said, okay now walk on the water to me. He asked insanity of me. And it brought me freedom.

I forgot the thrill of flying. I forgot what it felt like to dream up insanity. I forgot what it was like to not have solid ground beneath your feet. I forgot the excitement in taking risks and being free.

There was always a part of me that desired to be free, that desired to be free. Free to dream and jump off cliffs, free to spin in circles if I want to.

I love chaos. I look into my eyes and I see the need for adventure. I see the hidden chaos that was there so long ago.

Wild and fierce, ready to take on the world, I feel like I have been awakened. I had a choice, hold onto to fear and lose the most important thing in the world to me, or take a leap of faith and turn my life upside down.

And I chose the later. And now, I am starting to love the fact that I am moving to another state and don't have a place to live yet. That sounds exciting to me! I love that I still don't have a set date for our wedding because when it happens, it is going to be simple and elegant and I love that. I won't have time to worry about all the stupid little details that don't really matter.

My life is now a wild venture that matches my wild soul.

God is just laughing at me...

I like control.
I like details.
I like knowing everything.

Actually...
I need control.
I need details.
I need to know everything.

My brain revolves around details.
It is how I am made.
Ask anyone who knows me, Chiarra needs details, she needs order, she needs control.

And right now, there is only chaos and stress and disorder.
There are no details that are certain.
There is nothing that I can hold onto that I know for fact.

I am basing my whole life on maybes.
Maybe we will get married then.
Maybe we will get a date then.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

God knows that I need detail.
God knows that I can only survive on control.
God knows....

And He just laughs and laughs...
...and laughs...
...and laughs some more...

He has been prying things out of my hands for a while now.
He has been trying to work on me but it isn't working out so great.
And now, I have no choice but to trust Him.

There is nothing certain.
I might be getting married in three weeks.
It might be six.

I have no idea how in the freaking world I am supposed to plan a wedding like this.
Nothing is set in stone even then.
If it is in three weeks, I might not know for a whole other week and a half...

God thinks he is so funny...
And I am angry.
He just sits in heaven laughing while I am drowning in misery.

I have no control over anything.
And God knows I need that.
But I hate every minute of it.

I hate every minute of it.
I hate every second.
I hate everything that He takes out of my hands.

But there is something I can control.
I can control who's hands I am resting in.
I can control where I run where there is only madness going around me.

I can control if I turn to God.
I can control what I allow myself to be stressed with.
I can control the main detail in my life.

I am in control.
Not because I have control.
Only because I am running to the One who is in control.