Wild freedom to fly...

Lately my life has been insane.
And at first I hated it! I hated every minute of living with no plan and being so uncertain about everything. I hated not knowing details and I hated not knowing what was going on and what my future held. Days spent in stress and tears wishing for this all to be over. Complaining and taking sympathy for the way that my life was a wreck.

And now, I don't want it to end.

I don't want this chaos to end. I don't want to know what is coming. I don't want to see my future. I love this insanity. I love the adventure of not knowing what is coming next.

You see because part of me has always been wild and free. Part of my soul has always yearned to be free to fly in the wind. Somewhere deep in my being I was made of chaos and a little bit of faith.

Yet I have put myself in chains. Fear, insecurity, finances, jobs, school, car payments, doctors bills, plans, futures, more plans, failed plans, tried again plans, details... Everything that I thought would make me successful in life has made me crazy. I am literally to the point that I don't want a plan anymore. I want to be free again to dream.

You see, my chains stole my dreams. I stopped dreaming because dreams require flight and you can't fly when you are nailed to the ground. Fear of the future kept me from actually living my life.

And God knew that. So He created a crazy life for me. He threw me out of the boat and said, okay now walk on the water to me. He asked insanity of me. And it brought me freedom.

I forgot the thrill of flying. I forgot what it felt like to dream up insanity. I forgot what it was like to not have solid ground beneath your feet. I forgot the excitement in taking risks and being free.

There was always a part of me that desired to be free, that desired to be free. Free to dream and jump off cliffs, free to spin in circles if I want to.

I love chaos. I look into my eyes and I see the need for adventure. I see the hidden chaos that was there so long ago.

Wild and fierce, ready to take on the world, I feel like I have been awakened. I had a choice, hold onto to fear and lose the most important thing in the world to me, or take a leap of faith and turn my life upside down.

And I chose the later. And now, I am starting to love the fact that I am moving to another state and don't have a place to live yet. That sounds exciting to me! I love that I still don't have a set date for our wedding because when it happens, it is going to be simple and elegant and I love that. I won't have time to worry about all the stupid little details that don't really matter.

My life is now a wild venture that matches my wild soul.

God is just laughing at me...

I like control.
I like details.
I like knowing everything.

Actually...
I need control.
I need details.
I need to know everything.

My brain revolves around details.
It is how I am made.
Ask anyone who knows me, Chiarra needs details, she needs order, she needs control.

And right now, there is only chaos and stress and disorder.
There are no details that are certain.
There is nothing that I can hold onto that I know for fact.

I am basing my whole life on maybes.
Maybe we will get married then.
Maybe we will get a date then.

Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.

God knows that I need detail.
God knows that I can only survive on control.
God knows....

And He just laughs and laughs...
...and laughs...
...and laughs some more...

He has been prying things out of my hands for a while now.
He has been trying to work on me but it isn't working out so great.
And now, I have no choice but to trust Him.

There is nothing certain.
I might be getting married in three weeks.
It might be six.

I have no idea how in the freaking world I am supposed to plan a wedding like this.
Nothing is set in stone even then.
If it is in three weeks, I might not know for a whole other week and a half...

God thinks he is so funny...
And I am angry.
He just sits in heaven laughing while I am drowning in misery.

I have no control over anything.
And God knows I need that.
But I hate every minute of it.

I hate every minute of it.
I hate every second.
I hate everything that He takes out of my hands.

But there is something I can control.
I can control who's hands I am resting in.
I can control where I run where there is only madness going around me.

I can control if I turn to God.
I can control what I allow myself to be stressed with.
I can control the main detail in my life.

I am in control.
Not because I have control.
Only because I am running to the One who is in control.

God controls the chaos.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand 

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

 So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior.

Tonight I found a blog of a wonderful mother of three children. I have never met a woman so real. And I have not had my soul touched in such a way in a very long time. She writes posts on how it is difficult to remain humble in worship when we feel like we have it all together, or on how she can barely get her children to bed, or how her heart broke when she learned that her twin boys did better if they were bottle fed at night instead of nursed. She is real. And she wrote a blog post about this song... Oceans. God's unending call on my life right at this moment.

Let me tell you a bit about how my night is going... Well actually my week.

Last week my love left for a while. We usually have email. But for whatever reason someone decided to be an idiot and send out the wrong information and everyone might be getting punished for it. And now we may never get to email each other when he is gone again. That is literally the only thing that has kept me going. Since mid-August we have had 7 weeks now of him being gone and about 3ish weeks of him able to talk to me on the phone. In that time we have fought and argued, loved each other with everything in us, cried and cried many tears (okay I mainly did the crying), screamed at the cruelty of life and the military (yeah, that was me too), got engaged, tried to get his leave approved for our wedding, got his leave dates, lost his leave dates, trusted God, watched Him come through for us, got angry that it wasn't in the time frame that we wanted (uh yeah it was me getting angry...), felt stupid for being angry when God showed up (yup, you guessed it me again), cried, broke, found our way back, cried again, poured out our hearts and fears, loved, healed each other, grew in knowledge and understanding, prayed for miracles, reminded each other to trust God (more like my love reminding me to trust God). We have been under pressure and honestly I have broken more than I have been able to stand. But guess what, that is freaking okay. But this week has been exceedingly hard. I have got only 2 emails all week and each time I feel my heart sink every single time I check the stupid thing. 

I just miss him.

This is not who I am. I am not cut out for this sort of thing. 

My love language is: QUALITY TIME!

What the @*(^$*&#^(@*^&#$*&^#&@*&# were you thinking God???

This last week I had my bridal shower... Without him around to talk about it afterwards. I have planned everything without him. I have walked this journey without him. All of my friends want to meet him, want to know him, want to know what he is like, want to ask me questions. And I just want to sit down and cry. I know that no one I love knows this wonderful man who would give anything for me. It breaks my heart how many people talk about me behind my back because they don't understand. It makes me beyond angry when even my doctor says, you guys are young, sure you don't want to wait? No, no I don't. I hate people for asking me if I have a date yet for our wedding. I want to tell them to go jump off a building because it makes me so stressed and frustrated. I want to tell everyone that if they don't walk in my shoes they should back up heck up and leave me alone. I am so tired of feeling like I am bearing the weight of everyone's judgement on me because I am making a choice that seems crazy. Family, friends, co-workers, all trying to tear me down, tear us apart.

And I am about fed up with it. To be perfectly honest.

I am tired of defending myself to people who claim to love me. I am tired of feeling like I need to prove them wrong.

This is my life. Welcome to it.

On top of everything else, I am sick. My immune system couldn't take it anymore and quit. I am so sick that the doctor told me to stay home from work until Friday. FRIDAY!! What the heck am I supposed to do at home until Friday?? UGH! Good thing I need to use up sick leave before I move. Oh yeah did I mention that I am moving across the globe? Yup.

So as I sit here tonight, I feel crushed on all sides. I feel like I cannot honestly go on. How am I supposed to get up in the morning and pretend to be okay? The right side of my head feels like it is going to explode from sinus pressure and I honestly barely feel it because my heart is literally bleeding out. That is what it feels like. I feel like I cannot do this.

A couple months ago God asked me to walk on water. He asked me if I would get out of my comfort zone and walk on water knowing that I am leaving behind everyone's support and acceptance in the boat.

You see it is such a simple story. Jesus learns that his cousin was beheaded, then He feeds 5,000 people and then He needs to be alone to pray. He tells His men to get in a boat, knowing already that a storm was going to come up against them. But He waited until dawn to walk towards them. And they think it is a ghost. After all Jesus has done, they think it is a ghost. Peter says, Lord if its truly You, then tell me to come to You. Jesus says, Come. That's it. Come. Not have faith, don't doubt me, keep your eyes up, here is how to pray, here is the faith you will need. He doesn't give Peter a manual of the ten steps of being ready to get out of the boat and then the How to Walk on Water 101. Jesus says Come. Knowing full well that Peter will sink. Jesus knew before He asked Peter to get out of the boat that he would lose faith and fear would get a hold of him and he would start to sink.

When Jesus told Peter to get out of the boat, it never says that Jesus stopped the storm. In fact it says that the storm didn't stop until they stepped foot back in the boat.

Peter had to get out of the boat in the middle of a raging storm.

That is how I feel right now.

Here I am, little ole' me. Crawling out of the side of a boat of safety into a storm. Little five-foot-something 110 pound me is having to get out into a storm that is blowing around a freaking boat! And that storm is raging against me to the point that I can barely breathe. I am drowning. Or so it feels. But would Jesus ever really let you drown?

Jesus said, "Come." Knowing that I didn't have the strength or the faith to walk all the way to Him. He called me into the unknown, literally. Unknown of when I would move my entire life to another place across the ocean, unknown of when our wedding would be, unknown of where we would live. A woman who survives on detail, knows nothing. Literally nothing about her future. Besides that Jesus said to come and there is a huge storm going on. And guess what?

My feet are failing me. I am sinking. I am crying and dying inside because of the weight of the water that is swallowing me up. The wind is blowing me over and knocking me into the waves. The waves are making a current that keeps me from pulling my head up to grasp for air. And that is right where His grace is abounding, where He pulls me above it all to remind me that He has a plan. That He knows how to stop the storm, that He controls the chaos.

God controls the chaos.

Let that sink into your heart my love when you cannot breathe because you are walking on water in a storm. Let that be a reminder to you when you are overwhelmed with planning a wedding alone and figuring out details without having any of them. Let that remind you when you cannot breathe because missing your man is the hardest thing you have ever had to do. Let that give you peace when you are walking across the unknown, unsure of whatever sea monster lurks below the surface ready to eat you. 

God controls the chaos.

I don't have to. I don't have to control the storm. I don't even have to worry about the storm. I don't have to worry about anything.

God controls the chaos.

All He asks is for me to come. Bring nothing but my tiny faith that will fail me. Bring no plan of action, bring no great and wonderful water skis or flotation device. Just simply come. With nothing but myself. Why? Because God has the rest of it taken care of. He has the storm taken care of, He has the saving hand when I start to drown, He has the boat at the end taken care of. God has it in the bag.

He asks me to walk this beautiful adventure for many reasons. One thing for certain is, He is keeping me humble. I cannot say at all through any of this that I have been okay by myself. Whether He has taught me to rely on other people, or to trust Him, or to trust my man, He has stripped everything out of my hand to give Him all the glory.

I am not in control of anything. And it is so chaotic I can't even think properly sometimes. Sometimes the din of the chaos is so loud that I can't even hear my screams at night. I am sure this post is full of error because I can barely see through the hot tears that are literally pouring down my face every sentence I write. But I am going to let it go. 

Because maybe Jesus wants to back float on the water with me for a while. Maybe Jesus wants to swim around for a bit in the storm.

Either way, He has a plan. Not me. I do not have a plan anymore.

Am I stressed? You betcha! But does it matter? Nope! God has a plan. This storm is serving a purpose somehow.

Because He never failed me and He won't start now.

God controls the chaos.

Why war scares me...

God has jokes.
I told him, no military men, ever. I never will date or marry a military man. I felt as a kid that I had lost my uncle when the war started. I remember one day in kids church I burst into tears because I was scared he was going to die. God and I made a pact right then and there I would never be with someone in the military. Or so I thought God made a pact with me...
Apparently God had a bigger plan.

I am about to marry a man who is in the Navy. Would I change that for anything in the world? No. Never.

But why did I tell God no to begin with?

It's simple.

War.

War is why I said no. War is frightening and terrifying. War means danger and being afraid. War means fear. And fear means worry and crying and tears.

And lots of what if's.

What if Cody dies? Or gets hurt? Or comes back with PTSD?
What if war takes him from me?
What if I lose him?
What will I do then?

How will I survive if war takes him from me?

War puts his fate in the hands of terrorists.

Or so I thought. But in all truth, his fate is in the hands of God.

God has war in His hands. God has a plan even in the pain and fear of losing the man I love so dearly.

I don't want war. I hate war.

But God can keep him safe. God can keep us both safe.

I need to trust God. I need to let it go to His hands. I need His love and peace.

I don't have to be good enough for anyone.

Okay so I have avoided being truly honest on here for a while cause there are some people in my life who would love to take anything I say and make it horrible. I have avoided being real because people like to take real and destroy you. They will try and find any and everything they can to think that you are worse than you are. People spread rumors about real people.

But I have decided that I don't care anymore. Sure talk trash about me. Sure take my vulnerability and rub my short comings in my face. Do it. I dare you.

Cause I don't care anymore. I might care tomorrow, but I will read this again and I will find again that I don't care.
Why don't I care?

Because I don't have to be enough for anyone.
I do not have to be good enough for anyone.
I do not have to be a certain kind of person for any gosh darn stupid idiot that thinks I am not what I should be.

Yeah that was harsh but it is the truth.

I do not have to be anything for anyone.

I, me, Kiki, myself is good enough. As I am.
With all my failures.

I am good enough to marry Cody.
I am good enough to have a beautiful wedding day.
I am good enough to have the job that I have.
I am good enough to be apart of a new family.
I am good enough to have children with the man I love.
I am good enough to make whatever choices I freaking want.

I am good enough. I am more than good enough. I am super good enough. I am exceedingly more than enough. I am extremely more than enough. Why? Because God says I am. He says that this is my future and He says I am good enough to be in it.

So to all the haters, I say keep on hating. Just keep it up. Cause 10, 20, 30 years down the road I will be happy while you wallow in your miserable horrible life still. Why? Because I am enough, always and forever.

Me, plain ole me. Me who grew up in a beautiful small house with one bathroom. Me who did not grow up in a mansion. Me who has screwed up. Me who has made mistakes. Me who came from modest upbringing, me who doesn't have a million dollars. Me who wants to pay for her wedding with just her and her fiance, me who doesn't want or need help. Me who is not about putting on airs for people. Me who wants a small wedding and not a lot of people. Me who chooses to love a man in the military. Me who sometimes cries because being away from him is the hardest thing I have ever done. Me who is getting married quickly. Me who will no longer give excuses for her actions.

I refuse to explain myself to anyone anymore. Because those who love me don't mind and those who mind don't truly love me.

I don't have to have excuses or reasons why things are happening the way the are.
My explanation is from now on: That's how I want it.

Because I am enough. What I want is good enough. I am good enough to marry Cody. I am good enough to be happy for the rest of my life. I am more than enough for him, I am more than enough for me.

Bye, bye haters. I don't care anymore.

(Photo credit: Kenny Kerns Photography)

Why does God let terrible things happen?

Why does God let terrible things happen?

I had kind of a revelation today... Why does He let awful things happen?
Well how would He stop it?
I am not saying that God isn't powerful enough to stop it, or that He can't, but what would He do to stop it?
Would He kill everyone that was going to do terrible things in their lives?
Would He force someone to have a change of heart?
Would you rather horrible things happen, or a controlling God?
Would you rather a God who loves you through the terrible circumstances, or a God who killed everyone who would ever hurt you?
Wouldn't that mean that all of us would be dead?
I mean at all times, we are going to hurt someone in our lives.
Sin came into the world through man, a man who screwed up.
God could have stopped that from happening.
God could have taken away our free will, we could have been robots living in a perfect world with no pain or suffering.
All pain and suffering was brought into the world by one sin.
Not God.
God allowed it because He wanted to give us the choice of free will.
And with free will came heartache and pain.
Instead of asking, why does God let terrible things happen, maybe we should ask why Adam and Eve let terrible things happen.
If it wasn't Adam and Eve though, someone would have sinned along the road.
Someone along the line would have eaten the apple.
But with that apple all horrible things came into the world.
God allows terrible things to happen because He didn't want robots.
I am sure that you don't want to be a robot either.
I am positive that everyone wants to be able to choose what they want to believe.
So the next person that asks, why does God let terrible things happen, ask them if they want to have free will?
Do you want God to start killing everyone who sins?
Yes, it is what we deserve, but for heaven's sake, no one is perfect enough!
We would all die!
What would God do to stop terrible things?
Take away our free will?
Kill people who were about to hurt others?
Put us in a sterile world were nothing could go wrong ever and no one was free to choose their own path?
I would rather a God who loves me enough to give me the choice to love Him or not.
I would rather a God who gives me the strength to get through the terrible things.
I would rather that God than a dictator that I have no option but to follow.

Million miles an hour...

I am trying to plan a wedding. Oh yeah, isn't it stressful?? Hahahahahahahahahaha....haha...hahaha...ha...
Stressed isn't even a big enough word to describe how I am feeling right now.

I need help. But I don't know how to tell people that they can help.
What am I supposed to say?
Oh yeah, you can call the Navy and get me a date for Cody's leave.
Please call the venue and reserve all the open nights in October just in case.
Pull money out of the sky to pay for things.
Get a dress and get all the fittings done in time.
Figure out what is "in time."
Text all the groomsmen and get them to rent black suits.
Figure out a rehearsal dinner.
Find a minister.
Figure out how to get my car to Hawaii.
Pack and clean out my room to move to Hawaii.
Cancel my storage unit.
Move crap back into my parent's house.
Get rid of crap from my parent's house.
Find an apartment in Hawaii for us to move into.
Call my doctor for birth control.
Set up our honeymoon.
Find us a flight back to Hawaii.
Figure out food for our reception.
Find us a person to do the music and run sound.
I need about 10 people to help with food and set up and tear down on a weekday.
I need to get his ring.
I need to get a playlist for the night and get all the music for it.
I need to get my iPod fixed.
I need to find red shoes.

Okay you get the picture... There isn't a whole lot that you can do. I need big things right now. I have all the details of the wedding on my plate, and I am freaking out. I have about a month to plan. And I am stressed. Very stressed.

How do you enjoy the moment when your brain won't shut down? How do you keep that happy glow when you wake up at 5 every morning and can't go back to sleep because your brain started rolling away without you?

How do you breathe when you can't see the sun because you have too many buildings in front of you??

How do you see beauty when life is going a million miles an hour??

I need to breathe!