Cheerleader

You know that feeling when you finally see the light at the end of the tunnel only to realize that it is a freight train coming right for you?

Yeah, that was me a few days after seeing my physical therapist.

I get a letter from my insurance company in the mail.

"Your approval claim has been denied. You are not covered to see this doctor blah blah blah.... If you want to appeal this claim, your service member will have to contact us directly."

Heart attack. Then heart break... Then full blown break down.

They just sent me an approval, how is it denied?? What do you mean denied? Only my husband can talk to you?? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? He cannot call from a submarine to deal with an insurance matter! You are out of your mind!

Terror. What if I cannot get the help I need? What if I have to pay out of pocket?? I don't know how long this will take to heal and get better... What if...it takes a year? I can't afford that. Not in Hawaii on a sailor's salary. No way. Not when I lose my job at the end of January!

So my next appointment I go in to see her...

And I don't even want to bring it up. I really don't. I just want to pretend that I can still keep coming and that I am going to get better... That everything is perfect.

But everything I am nervous about/have an anxiety attack over, whenever I bring it up to her she puts me at such ease.

She immediately gets her part time secretary on the phone with Tricare (my insurance company), because they received two letters as well, one of approval and one of not... And she gets it sorted out before I even leave her office.

She fought for me. And made it very clear that she would continue to fight for me through everything.

So anyways, I am doing all these exercises, contract and release muscles, more than kegel exercises, finding a way to fully relax every muscle. And then at the end of our session she works on the muscles in my back...

Now I have to point out to you, that I have a knot on each side of my spine that runs down the length of my spine into my hips. And I have solid shoulders...not from muscle. From all the knots and tension. My back is solid. And tense.

But have your ever tried so hard to do something that when you don't succeed you just want to start crying? It is discouraging... Very very discouraging...

And I said that, with tears streaming down my face as she asked me to do something and I could not. Physically could not do it. I just started crying... "It is so discouraging... I can't do it."

"That is why I am here! To cheer you on when you are discouraged. Because this is a process and it does not have to be over night.

"I am your cheerleader."

That to me meant the world. Because there was finally someone in my corner who had my back. Who was okay with, I cannot do this, I am struggling and crying because I want this so bad but I just cannot get there right now.

I need that. As someone who demands perfection from myself at every point. I need that. I need to know that it is not a failure, nor a set back, it is just something that will come later on.

Relief. Complete relief.

Maybe I can fix this and repair the holes in my marriage after all.