To say that my faith has been weak lately is an understatement. I have been struggling, mostly the depression talking once again. Convincing me that no one cares, especially the One who created the universe. The darkness is all I'm seeing again.
Then recently we lost a family member...suddenly and unexpected. At the age of 10.
"How could You take her away?? How dare You?"
Now let me just start by saying that the loss I'm feeling is nothing compared to the loss that those closest to her are feeling. My feelings are so small compared to my aunt and uncle's grief. I can't fathom how much they are going through and this is not to take away from them at all. They are going through hell and that is not something I want anyone to think I am comparing my own sorrow with. This is just my current struggle and how this has effected me.
JoJo and I weren't close in age, so we didn't grow up together. Life has taken me away from my family so it had been a few years since I saw her. They joined our family a while ago, so I didn't have the privilege of knowing her from birth or anything like that. I just got a few holidays and times when we could all get together as a family. I didn't have years with her, I didn't have the chance to know her favorite color or what she would have wanted to be when she grew up.
You see as a military wife, you give up so much. You give up the privilege of seeing your family every holiday and birthday. You give up all the memories you could make with them, watching everyone grow up and experience life. You move away and people who are dear to your heart become distant. You lose touch, you can't call everyone and keep up with everyone. You lose touch. Plain and simple.
But you hold onto the hope that, this too shall pass. You'll be home eventually and you'll get back into their lives. There will be future holidays and family reunions, you can attend them and then you'll get to know everyone again. You will have the chance later. You hold onto to that for dear life. Because without that hope, the fact that you miss everything at home is crushing.
And then you fall smack into the reality that is not the case. You don't get to have that future. I am drowning in hopelessness wondering if I'll have the chance to be involved in my family's life again. Who will I never get the chance to make more memories with? Who will I have to hold onto the memories I have, knowing I missed out on so much of their lives and I'll never get the chance to make up for that?
I was already standing on the edge of my darkness again. Battling with depression once again. My ever present friend/enemy. And this was the push over the edge.
How could a God who could have stopped this, just stand by and let it happen? How dare He take her when she didn't even have the chance to fully experience life.
"How could you?"
I know God can handle my questions. I know He can take my faith being weak. If He couldn't I wouldn't believe in Him.
Here is the conclusion that I have come to as I sit crying silently on the plane.
Life sucks. Period. Life is just made to destroy us. Its science, everything is going to a state of decay at all times. Life hits you hard, sometimes wave after wave, sometimes with a tsunami. Life is brutal. It doesn't care about you.
God didn't say that He came to save us from life. He didn't say that suddenly life would love you and stop being an ass. If that is how life worked, a lot more people would believe in God simply for a get through life easy pass.
No, the storms will still hit you. And they will make you fear for your life. They will rock your boat, they will toss you around, they might even throw you overboard. But the difference is, you have someone in your boat with His arms outstretched, ready to take over when you can't grip the sail anymore, when you have fallen out. He is present at all times to calm us and give us peace beyond understanding. He didn't say He would save us from every storm, but He promised to be in them with us. He promised us His love and grace at every moment of the calm and the storm.
So the calm that I am finding in my heart right now is this: this life is not all I get. I have eternity to know and love and be with my family. I am not limited to the memories I have with JoJo on earth.
And until I see you again, I'll hold onto the memories that I do have with you. I will hold onto your smile and your laugh.
It is not fair that you are gone. That will probably never make sense to me. I will always carry regret I couldn't know you longer and more. But I won't lose my hope because someday, we can make up for the lost time.
Keep an eye on us okay? See you soon.
If you would like to donate to my family, here is the gofundme link. Please keep my family in your prayers and thoughts this week as they lay to rest their child, something one should never have to do.
https://www.gofundme.com/c7a3t-in-memory-of-johanna
Also a huge thank you to my friend who made it possible for me to come home for the funeral. You are a bleeding from God, truly an angel walking on the earth. Thank you will never be enough...
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