Running with chains

Four years ago I wrote:

If you learn to run with your chains, once they are broken you'll run faster than everyone else.

This day last year I was struggling to even get out of bed each day. I could not function, I was so depressed I would sleep for 14-18 hours straight, I didn't even have the energy to eat. I would wake up at 3pm, watch tv in bed until Cody got home, he would help me shower, then we would sit on the couch until we went to bed. He would have to bring dinner home with him every night and that was usually the only meal I would eat all day. Every day was a struggle with the demons sitting on my shoulder telling me the world would be better off without me. Having to constantly battle these thoughts with reason that was so hard for me to find. I could not function. My life was a hole of darkness and despair.

Then my doctor and I found the right medication and it slowly started working. It fixed my brain chemistry. It helped me to see light and colors and meaning in my life again.

But I still have days of struggle. I have days where I have to talk myself into getting out of bed. Days I have to force myself to be active or just do a simple thing like take a shower.

And on those days I feel so aggravated and downtrodden. I'm tired of this struggle! I wish it was over and I was "cured" and 100% happy and upbeat every day! I wish that my feelings weren't so heavy to carry some days.

So today I needed that reminder. Little did my 18 year old self know that I would need to read that today. To be reminded, that one day I'll be able to run even faster than I can imagine now. One day these chains won't be so heavy and one day I'll be able to see how strong carrying them has made me.

I think about how far I have come from last year and I can't even begin to express how grateful I am that I didn't give up. That I kept running.

So I'll keep running cause one day, I'll look back again and realize I'm running even faster and doing even better and be so grateful once again that I kept running!