When your heart hurts too much...

This life is freaking hard. Literally so hard that I have no idea how I manage to make it out of bed every day. I have no idea how I manage to keep going and put one foot in front of the other. I don't know how I keep going.

I think that the Navy is making my abandonment issues go into hyper drive.

"Here is your husband back, you can have him for about a week. Then you can have him for a few days here and there within the next few months. Oh yeah, we know that we took him from you for a few months before this. Sorry you have to give him up, no choice."

I get security back and then swoop, the Navy sends a submarine to take my husband away again. Thank you Navy.

This is like the military on steroids. I could honestly handle him being gone 6 months in a war zone and then home for a year and back out again. It would be much easier than this constant being in and out and then having a deployment come on top of that... Literally my husband will be home a total of three months in 14 months. And that three months is spread out in a few days here and a week here, few more days here.

IT SUCKS!!

And I still have 1400 and something days left. Yes, I am counting. I am counting the days until we are "Navy free."

Which feels very unpatriotic of me and I feel like a horrible wife for being excited for that. It is an unspoken rule in the military community that the wives just support their husband's service. That they are 100% behind them whether they reenlist or not... And I can't be that wife. And I feel like a failure for saying that.

But the feeling when my husband leaves me, is not like anything I have ever felt.

It is an ice cold iron blanket that settles in over my heart and threatens to creep up and strangle me. It is a sadness that is so dark I just stay in bed all day binge watching Netflix trying to numb it. I literally exhaust all the friends I have here because I am so lonely and I just don't want to be alone anymore.

Last weekend my sadness turned into seething rage. I was so mad I could not contain it. I was so mad at everything and everyone and I couldn't stop it. I lost my lid to my frustration and it was like a volcano.... I covered everyone in my path with scorching lava.

I couldn't get over it, I couldn't move on from it. It just sat there, angry and pushing people off cliffs.

And then this verse came to my head...

"Cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved."

Total mind shift... It was like the light had been turned on.

The Lord will sustain me. I have burdens, I have a heavy heart, but the Lord will sustain me. He isn't going to let me be moved. Some versions say that you will not be shaken. Nothing will shake me if the Lord is sustaining me. I don't have to deal with these problems on my own. I can throw them at Someone who knows how to handle them.

I just get this image in my head of throwing trash and broken pieces at God and He catches them all. He then takes them and turns His back to me so I can't see while He works on them. When He turns back around, all He has in His hands to give back to me are peace and hope and strength.

So here I am, trying to throw my burdens to God, because I need Him.